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Have you ever been hurt? My name is Mariah Stranton, and I have. Within the last two weeks, I have gone from my happiest moment in months to my worst, days apart from each other. Now I’m just completely numb and broken inside. The only thing I feel is an aching pain, inside emptiness. I should be happy or at least not as sad as I’ve been lately. I have a boyfriend, I have friends, I’m starting a sport, and my family is not trying to kill each other, but my heart is still broken. It all started when someone I cared about said they cared back, they wanted to be with me, and that they would leave the person they were dating. I really wanted to be with them, but then three days later they told me that they didn’t think it would be good for us to date. They told me that they weren’t enough. That it would be better for me to think of them as a b**** that didn’t care, even though they did, and that we shouldn’t talk for a while. Now I have a boyfriend, and they’re all I think about. I’m going to tennis practice, and they’re the only thing in my mind. I come home every day, and cry because of how much I still hurt. I can’t stop the aching, the pain. The tears are falling and I don’t know what to do. Should I wipe them away and try to forget the things I know I can’t, or should I let them fall and try to understand what’s happening to me? Should I pretend they don’t matter, or should I tell the truth and say they’re the only thing that makes me feel right? I wonder if they ever really cared in the first place and what I did wrong.
If you’re wondering how I got to the point of caring so much, let me fill you in. Last year, I started dating a girl, my first girlfriend, Nicole. She was amazing, everything I ever wanted in a person. We wrote an average of three notes per day, and we talked every day in the mornings. No one knew we were dating, except a few of my friends and a few of hers. Our relationship was the only one I kept up with, and it ended one day before our one month anniversary. I was dumped on April Fool’s Day, but I immediately knew it wasn’t a joke. She lied to me when she told me the reason, in a note, why she broke up with me. She told me it was because she was straight, and she was just confused. Later, I found out the truth, her parents found out that she was dating a girl, and she was forced to dump me. I cried for days right after we broke up, but I still don’t think she knows that. I dated my second girlfriend, Ally, a few days later, just to try and get over Nicole, but even though I was dating someone I liked, I was still crying because I missed Nicole. Ally is the reason that everyone in the whole school knows I like girls, and I didn’t even have a choice in the matter. Then, not even a week after Nicole broke up with me, Ally dumped me, which just made me feel worse.
A couple of weeks after the multiple break ups, I realized why I wasn’t able to get over Nicole, was because I cared about her more than anyone else. It was something I couldn’t explain, except with the word love. It couldn’t have been anything else. It was different from anything else. It made me feel like a super nova had went off in my chance, and left a huge black hole. All I could feel was emptiness inside and I couldn’t even smile without it feeling like a lie. I wrote her a two page note, telling her how I felt, telling her I loved her. I told her I was in love with her, that I would understand if she hated me after this note, and that I knew she wouldn’t want to get back with me. Remember as far as I knew she was straight. She wrote me back the next day, and told me she loved me too. She wanted to get back together, and she missed me. I was in second block at the time, and I couldn’t do anything other than cry. It was the happiest day of my life, and they were tears of joy. It’s has been the only time I ever cried over happiness.
Then about a week before prom, someone told her I was cheating on her with Ally, but I wasn’t. She believed her friend over me, and she broke up with me over a lie. I saw her crying at lunch that day, and all I wanted to do was stopped and hold her, but I was too frightened to do anything. I just walked past her, and I will always regret that decision. It made me not even want to go to prom, and when I did end up going. The whole time I was there all I wanted to do was talk to her. I wanted to work things out, but as soon as I was about to talk to her, my courage was crushed, because someone asked me if I was crying. Which I was, unfortunately, and that whole thing just made me uncomfortable. Then the last day of school, awards day, we were in the auditorium. They were giving out the awards and you would think me getting a lot of awards would be a good thing, but it wasn’t for me. Every time I had to go up to the stage I had to walk past Nicole. She was in the front row, and when I walked by she wouldn’t even look at me. I had to hold back tears each time I went on stage, and when they took pictures. I felt sick, and worse than just a cold sick. I felt like I was dying inside.
Then, when everyone was saying goodbye to their friends for the summer, all I wanted to do was tell Nicole how sorry I was for making her think I cheated on her. One of my friends told her I wanted to talk to her and I did, but I was too scared to say what was in my heart.
When she came over and asked, “Kevin said you wanted to talk to me.”
I told her, “And you listened to Kevin? Oh, I hear Kenley calling me. Well, bye.” I just walked past her and pretended I didn’t care. Then I started to tear up for what I didn’t do and say.
She just looked at me and said, “Oh… bye…”
I ended up going off on Kevin, and losing my composure. I couldn’t help myself anymore. I couldn’t hold my emotions back any longer.
By the end of summer I thought I was over Nicole. I told myself I wouldn’t care, but as soon as I saw her, every emotion came flooding back. The pain, love, and loss were all I felt, and the feeling intensified when I learned she was in my homeroom. It got even worse when I found out she was in my P.E. class. She didn’t talk to me for a couple of months, but I finally got her to remotely talk to me. Then we became friends, and I tried to figure out if she even liked me at all. Some days she would act like she cared, but the next day it was like I was dirt. I tried to be there for her with all my heart, but she just wouldn’t let me in.
Right before Christmas Break, she gave me the shocking news that she still cared about me. We talked for a little over an hour, about deep stuff. I talked to her about things I won’t talk to about anyone else. She got my hopes up over break, and then I week after break, she told me she couldn’t give me what I wanted. I don’t think she knew what I wanted. I still don’t think she knows. All I ever wanted was her to love me back the way I love her, and mean it. Nicole and I being together would be good, but it wasn’t what I wanted. She didn’t talk to me for a couple of days after that.
Now back to the present of I have a boyfriend and I still just want her to love me back. Is it that much too ask? She won’t even look at me lately unless she’s glaring at me. I can’t bear to look at her. I know I would just break down, and she has never seen me cry because of her, that I know of. I’d do anything for one more chance, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t function anymore. I’m just a zombie, a shell of desolation. I’m so confused, now more than ever. I’m so alone, even in a crowded room, and I’m lost, even though I know exactly where I am.
Will I ever be able to be okay? Will I always hurt this much? Will I ever have a chance to show her how much I care? What can I do anymore? I can’t say what is going to happen in the future, but I know what I wish would happen, and most people would say it’s a stupid wish. I want to be with Nicole just to be with her. Maybe one day things will start going right.