Step by step I found myself feeling more and more vacant. I counted every time my feet touched the ground, sinking into the moist and frigid soil beneath me. It wasn’t a horrible day; it was actually quite nice. The sun was reaching over the clouds in hopes to taste the surface of the earth below me. Tips of grass grazed over my black flats, tickling the tops of my feet. The feeling was vivid and told me I was here. I wasn’t like the girl in the coffin up ahead. Despite the constant nagging in my head telling me that I should die, I hadn’t just yet. The cool air awakened me; signaling an inner hope within my heart. The wind made me aware of the beating in my chest. My heart was rising out of its permanent location within my stomach and floating back into my chest, inflating once again. I watched the ground as I passed by, examining every blade of grass and suddenly overcoming the narrow feelings I had been experiencing since our family’s tragedy.

I found my throat growing tighter as we approached the destination. I didn’t want to look up. Looking up meant coming to terms with it. Looking up meant watching every part of her leave. We came to a stop and I found my self inhaling a sharp breath. I pursed my lips as I heard my Aunt Rene next to me gaping for air while sobbing hysterically. She was making noses that I had never heard before. It sounded as if she as being tormented. Reluctantly, I peered up at her. She held about thirty bunched up tissues in one hand and three in her other, which was pressed against her face. She had been crying since it happened. I cried too but eventually I couldn’t anymore. I was tired of crying. I was tired of feeling sad.

Aunt Rene, however, cried a river. I began to wonder if she would ever run out of tears. I watched her intently; my eyes not moving to any other location. This was on account for two reasons. One being that I really just didn’t want to look at what everyone else’s eyes were attached to. And two, I had this thought that I may possibly be able to offer some sort of comfort for my Aunt. I held my hand out meekly but she didn’t see it. Sighing, I grabbed hold of her hand and pulled it next to me. I held it close to my stomach and she squeezed it tightly. She looked down at me, offering a sympathetic smile through her wet and red face. Despite this, the smile faded almost instantly upon seeing my vague and nonchalant expression. Her shoulders fell and she bit her lip. Then, she gracefully leaned down and kissed me gently on top of the head.

As the priest began to give his supposedly lasting and memorable words for my sister, Aunt Rene leaned down and whispered into my ear, “It will be okay.”

I simply nodded my head, already knowing this. Finally, I looked up, my throat growing tight again. As I watched my sister descended into the earth, I came to terms with the fact that I didn’t need to be sad anymore. She was gone; she wouldn’t come back. But I was still here. I was still alive.