Still Alive

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Step by step I found myself feeling more and more vacant. I counted every time my feet touched the ground, sinking into the moist and frigid soil beneath me. It wasn’t a horrible day; it was actually quite nice. The sun was reaching over the clouds in hopes to taste the surface of the earth below me. Tips of grass grazed over my black flats, tickling the tops of my feet. The feeling was vivid and told me I was here. I wasn’t like the girl in the coffin up ahead. Despite the constant nagging in my head telling me that I should die, I hadn’t just yet. The cool air awakened me; signaling an inner hope within my heart. The wind made me aware of the beating in my chest. My heart was rising out of its permanent location within my stomach and floating back into my chest, inflating once again. I watched the ground as I passed by, examining every blade of grass and suddenly overcoming the narrow feelings I had been experiencing since our family’s tragedy.

I found my throat growing tighter as we approached the destination. I didn’t want to look up. Looking up meant coming to terms with it. Looking up meant watching every part of her leave. We came to a stop and I found my self inhaling a sharp breath. I pursed my lips as I heard my Aunt Rene next to me gaping for air while sobbing hysterically. She was making noses that I had never heard before. It sounded as if she as being tormented. Reluctantly, I peered up at her. She held about thirty bunched up tissues in one hand and three in her other, which was pressed against her face. She had been crying since it happened. I cried too but eventually I couldn’t anymore. I was tired of crying. I was tired of feeling sad.

Aunt Rene, however, cried a river. I began to wonder if she would ever run out of tears. I watched her intently; my eyes not moving to any other location. This was on account for two reasons. One being that I really just didn’t want to look at what everyone else’s eyes were attached to. And two, I had this thought that I may possibly be able to offer some sort of comfort for my Aunt. I held my hand out meekly but she didn’t see it. Sighing, I grabbed hold of her hand and pulled it next to me. I held it close to my stomach and she squeezed it tightly. She looked down at me, offering a sympathetic smile through her wet and red face. Despite this, the smile faded almost instantly upon seeing my vague and nonchalant expression. Her shoulders fell and she bit her lip. Then, she gracefully leaned down and kissed me gently on top of the head.

As the priest began to give his supposedly lasting and memorable words for my sister, Aunt Rene leaned down and whispered into my ear, “It will be okay.”

I simply nodded my head, already knowing this. Finally, I looked up, my throat growing tight again. As I watched my sister descended into the earth, I came to terms with the fact that I didn’t need to be sad anymore. She was gone; she wouldn’t come back. But I was still here. I was still alive.





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michfitz18 said...
Apr. 27, 2012 at 8:02 am

this still gets me everytime.... <3

 

 
michfitz18 said...
Apr. 20, 2012 at 7:50 am
i love you
 
marissak replied...
Apr. 20, 2012 at 7:53 am
this land is my land, this land is your love from california to the new york island. i love you too
 
Ajffmdp said...
Apr. 18, 2012 at 8:24 am
o....this is awkward....was the funeral for Priest Clinton?
 
marissak said...
Apr. 18, 2012 at 8:23 am
they're at a funeral.....
 
Ajffmdp said...
Apr. 18, 2012 at 8:22 am
Why is it called still alive? Of course the character's still alive- they didn't die yet! Garwsh! By the way, why is their a random priest? He doesn't even have a name? Is it Clinton? Priest Clinton? Priest Clinton George the 3rd? Priest Clinton Bobby Joe George the #rd? Just saying....
 
marissak said...
Apr. 18, 2012 at 8:15 am
thanks bro. I don't handle hate comments that well so this was big.
 
michfitz18 said...
Apr. 18, 2012 at 8:08 am
this made me cry....
 
Ajffmdp said...
Apr. 18, 2012 at 8:02 am
the line about the "tightening throat" is so moving. it reminded me of the time when I had strep.  And I love the "cried a river part-" it's not cliche at all
 
michfitz18 replied...
Apr. 18, 2012 at 8:07 am
ummmm yo. you need to calm down. this is my girl and her work is AMAZING. <3 <3 <3 HEARTS
 
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