My Empty Glass

February 26, 2012
By , Rocky Ridge, MD
I stood up and made my way over to the wedding guest book. I had an entire page left after everyone else had written little cute messages. I had been thinking about it all night and I could finally think of what I wanted to say. I picked up the black pen, pulled the book into my arms, and stared down at the blank white page at the end of the book.

“Dear Thomas” Simple enough, I thought as the rest of the words in my head tried to organize themselves.

“I can’t think of a time when I haven’t liked you as more than a friend. Out of everyone, you know this way to well and I apologize for that. I never thought though, especially back in 10th grade, that we’d end up at your wedding with me just standing on the sidelines. If you told me that back when we were dating, I would have laughed in your face. It’s hard to be here today. But I’m here because I love you and I want to see you happy. I’m here because this your big day! I love you, dear. I always have and chances are I always will. You’re in good hands though. If you had to marry anyone other than me, Jake is a great choice. I trust him. Although, even if I didn’t and you loved him I have a feeling that it wouldn't stop you from marrying him anyways.”

The paragraph was awkward and just felt strange, but I didn’t think I could fix it. I still needed to fit one more little letter on the page and get home before I saw the happy couples. Seeing them again would probably make me break out in tears.

I am not a cynical person, let me say that first. Honestly, I’ve always been the kind of girl who thinks of the rainbow after the rain. My glass is always full, even if it is empty I just think of when I’ll be able to fill it again. That’s how my brain is wired and it’s always been that way. I guess that’s how I knew he made an impact on my life because for a brief second, just as a thought in passing, I saw an empty glass. Although that brief second has seemed to elongate now that I was at his wedding. I would have preferred it to be a woman he was marrying, someone prettier or more charismatic than me. The fact that Thomas was marrying Jake just made me feel pathetic. I would never tell either of them that though because I knew how much they meant to each other.

“Jake-“ It was harder writing to Jake. He had been my best friend prior to the fiasco with Thomas, but afterwards things got awkward in a way that only Thomas could be oblivious too.

“Treat him right. Take care of yourself. If you ever need me, you know where to find me. You’re like my brother. You can’t erase that, buddy.”

I couldn’t write anymore to Jake. I’d had to listen to his mother’s ranting all day about how she’d never get little blue-eyed grandchildren and would never be able to call me her daughter-in-law. She’d always been vocal in her desires for me to marry Jake, which was extremely hard to handle because Jake realized he was gay when we were in middle school. I’d been the first person to know and he would always talk to me about those things. His mother wasn’t happy about Jake marrying Thomas because she’d never liked him... ever.

I scribbled a heart at the bottom of the page trying not to let tears, which had just started to slide down my face, hit the paper. Why was I crying? This was a happy day! I was at a wedding; you do not cry tears of sorrow at a wedding.

I tossed the guest book back on the table as I tried to forget all the things in the past surrounding my relationships with both boys. I needed to forget about the nights I’d stay up until 1 in the morning talking to Thomas on the phone and the nights we’d sit on his roof and watch the satellites moving in the sky. Those were the best nights of my life though, which made it hard to forget them. It felt wrong to have to give him up without a fight; he'd never be interested in me though because I was a girl.

I pushed the exit doors open slightly and slide out trying to keep quiet so that none of the few remaining guests would notice. I wouldn’t be able to hide my tears at this point and I didn’t want to have to explain to Jake’s great-grandmother why I was crying at her little boy’s wedding reception. I hated his family because they all knew what I went through so that the two boys could get married. I had to lose my best friend and my boyfriend. I gave up so much for their happiness.

I really did have an empty glass now. There was no up from here. No one could ever be a better best friend that Jake because he had been my first best friend and he hadn’t exactly been the nicest in the end. He just proved that all was fair in love and war. And I could probably never fall in love again since no one could ever be better than Thomas. He had been my first everything and all that I got out of it was a break-up to the words “I think I’m gay.”

Yes, I don’t have anything in my glass. Maybe I have a metal lid over top it now that refused to let anything. I’m not going to fill up my glass anytime soon because looking at it always full is like being punched in the gut when it finally does fall over and empty again.





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