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When I Grow Up
For now, all I can do is wait. Wait for the aging of time to pass by me and for my body to age with it. My childish mind can only imagine the places my feet will take me. Starring down at the boomerang in my hands I think about where I will live.
I will live near sea, eat crab claws and drink bottles of rum. My house will be a small wooden shack, the cracks in the wood seeping the sounds of the ocean. I’ll stare out at the sea waiting for that moment, that one moment where it will stare back at me, and understand. Understand the troubles I’ve gone through to get there.
I put my soul into the things I do; my art, my work, my life. I don’t think people see the beauty of life when they look out their windows. That’s what inspires me to do what I do. I walk the streets, and watch the people who pass me by. Their mouths in a dark line and their eyes dim. Last night I drew a funny man with dark eyes and a hanging tongue. My mother looked at it with wonder, and then she looked at me.
“When things get bad, I never want to see a sad look on you.” She patted my head softly and left the room. Not another word said. I never liked a sad look from someone who wants to be loved by him. My mother face was always in a frown. We are a quiet family in this house, my mother and I. Though throughout the day we see each other, words are hardly spoken.
My friends say I have a green thumb. They say it comes natural with me. I feel connected to them, the plants, because he taught me about them. I’m the only one who looks after then now. My mother won’t go near the green house. She stands a distance and just stares at them. It’s the one thing that I refused to let go.
When my mother leaves at weeks at a time, god only knows where, I stay in the green house. It’s my home now. Walking into what she calls home is bare and naked. It’s not what it used to be. My mother lost her soul and with it, the house’s love and comfort. I use this time for mourning you. One day I’ll accept it, and it will be a part of me.
On the seventh day that she’s gone, I rest. She will back soon, so I rest for only a minute or two. I know I will have to deal with her tears over you. Push my emotions aside to help her get through the death of you. Because of you I only have this bitter sweet connection with my mom. Nothing more, and nothing less.
When she recovers from a nights worth of tears, she pretends she’s okay. She makes sure it seems like she’s working, but we both know what goes through her mind. A blank stare is placed over her, like a vial, hiding the true beauty underneath.
All of this mourning, it wears me down. It’s too much time spent on nothing. It’s like waiting for the moment when everything will change. No one can make me move on, I have to make that moment when things turn around. And some day I will, but for now, I see you when I close my eyes.
“I see you, Dad.” My words come out raspy and unknown. He had face that could touch the ceiling and arms too long. I wait for him to catch me. For that one day when I will see his face staring down at me, and be able to grab hold of his hand again. I’m waiting for him to embrace me.
When I grow up – Fever Ray
When I grow up, I want to be a forester
Run through the moss on high heels
That’s what I’ll do, throwing out boomerang
Waiting for it to come back to me
When I grow up, I want to live near the sea
Crab claws and bottles of rum
That’s what i’ll have staring at the seashell
Waiting for it to embrace me
I put my soul in what I do
Last night I drew a funny man
with dark eyes and a hanging tongue
It goes way bad, I never liked a sad look
From someone who wants to be loved by you
I’m very good with plants
When my friends are away
they let me keep the soil moist
On the seventh day I rest
for a minute or two
then back on my feet and cry for you oooh oh
You’ve got cucumbers on your eyes
Too much time spent on nothing
waiting for a moment to arise
The face in the ceiling and arms too long
I wait for him to catch me
Waiting for you to embrace me