Never to be Repeated

February 19, 2012
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Today was the start of a new beginning. A new life. At least that’s what it seems. She runs around trying to find hope and make herself at home. Trying to find purpose and meaning. In the little things. New people, new places, same names, same spaces. Never to be repeated. Till one day the world starts again. Her world view resets within minutes of the thoughts. To a darker world or a brighter world. One more extreme than the last. Never to be neutral. Never to be repeated. She finds herself wandering in a world all her own. Where nothing can hurt her and nothing can touch her. Invincibility she calls it. Till one minute she crashes. Into a sudden halt of all sense of hope. Snapping every bone in her body before falling apart. Seeing death as expected, yet not hoped for. Willing to do what it takes. With consequences coming as they may. No faith. No hope. Never to be repeated… for now. And cycling back again, she ends up…distracted. By her own thoughts, own mind, own admission of insanity. Each one never to slow but to speed up. Never to be repeated, but so she wishes. Running herself until energy seems forgotten and lives become blurred. Becomes preoccupied with her own obsession to be perfect. To not ruin her new beginning with old behaviors. Never to be repeated, so she tells herself. Till one day she realizes she has fallen again. This temporary relief no longer the issue. Finds herself wishing for all to stop. For isolation. To live with her cleanse alone. It’s not dangerous, she tells herself. The red feels comforting as it seeps through her soul and body. What feels comforting scares on of another. When comfort becomes revealed, all trust is lost. All secrets to be cost, all bets are off. Never to be repeated, so that’s what they thought. Relapse as easy as a smile. A happy gesture. A faked health. Till one day she ends up at home. In her new beginning with her old self. Only to be repeated. So she realizes.

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