letters that I never sent

January 28, 2012

I never wanted anyone to find out, they were never supposed to know about me. The abuse, the alcohol, the lies, they were all supposed to be my pain. But somehow you found me and broke down the walls I had carefully put around for the same purpose. I never expected you to try this hard, and I admit to myself I never wanted you too. You sat there and begged and pleaded to share my pain, let go of the past that had tormented me for so long.

The teasing was relentless and although you tried your best I was still the “freak.” The girl who refused to wear make-up and who had a temper that was as unexpected as the next words out of herself. The girl who could recite football stats and got the best grades. The one who avoided cheerleaders and was always closed off the world. While they never said it to my face their whispers reached my ears and their stares bore holes into my back.

The first day we met you were walking out of the cafeteria, you shoved past me and told me to watch where I was going. You were surprised when I shoved back and told you to shove it and get lost. Maybe you were surprised that I could fight back or maybe you really did like the way I stood up for myself. You nodded at me with a smile and told me you'd see me around, I laughed and told you not to hold your breath. So becoming friends and then more almost seemed natural, but I never knew that you had always planned to leave me.

I had always hated facebook, you knew that, somehow the idea of talking over the internet to my friends just didn't seem right. That's how I found out, about the bet. The way you'd used me and pretended to like me all just to get a good laugh with the type of guys that do drugs and drop out of school. Which led to another mystery about you, why did you hang out with them? You were good and special, you had options and friends. But you chose them as your “friends” made a bet to see if you could make me fall in love with you just so you could dump me at prom.

While I thought I had known you the questions that never seemed right all seemed to fit now. Why do you never come to school Mondays? Had to take care of you mother he told me, lung cancer. When in reality you just wanted to get high with your “friends.” Why did you always do your work but never turn it in? Didn't want to be a smart kid, all while you never did it in the first place.

While the life you lived a lie, one of secrets and betrayal. One scary and full of fear, a criminal charge and blame that was never yours to take. While I moved on to college and then to fulfill my dream of becoming a Marine Biologist, your still stuck in the past. I saw you sometimes as I was walking by, watching the effect their “games” had taken on you. The jobs you held were nothing special and the hours were long but you no longer had the choice to do something better.

While I tried to help you, I never did. I fell in love with someone who did not exist anymore then the fantasy world I had created. Your “friends” now long gone and while you may have had the sense to leave, you never had the sense to try. My pain now mixed with a single facebook comment that ruined both our lives; and while mine was only temporary the scars still cut deep. The secrets I shared with you now forgotten and erased over time.

I came back now to help you and replace what was lost. When I came up to your front door only to find I was to late to offer you the second chance you needed. That white piece of paper typed up so carefully can be your only guide now. I asked for closure that I never got and sometimes I can only imagine you feel the same way. While I can never ask for your forgiveness knowing that what happened was partially my fault, I feel inclined to say I came back to apologize. Which I know is a place to start, love may not erase the pain but may only cause more. I wish you the best and hope to leave you this letter with the hope of finding closure, the “freak” I was back then led me to believe I owed you this much now. Thank you, you made me stronger even if you didn't realize it. Goodbye

Casey xx

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