Cooties Virus

In my years of school I have learned that girls are horrible. They are terrible to each other, rude, and snooty to others; oh and they have cooties. The only time they are remotely civil to someone is when they either need or want something from someone. They are sweet as pie to your face, but as soon as you turn your back, you’re the stupidest most repulsive person alive. The even do this to their so called “BFF”. Friends one week, enemies the next; it’s just the nature of the beast some may say. But I haven’t even told you disturbing part yet.

In fourth grade was the first time I learned that girls carried the deadly cooties virus. So it’s fourth grade; you know the time when boys and girls start to kind of notice each other? Well there was this new kid that moved in, let’s just call him “John Doe”. Ole Johnny caught the eye of two murdering, conniving, I mean two lovely young ladies. They both wanted him for their selves, and would do whatever it took to do it. Like any typical boy John’s age all he really wanted to do was play ball after school. These two “girls” (more like monsters), let’s call them Lisa and Laura, they’ve been BFFs since they were in diapers; until now.

These two did ever thing short of throwing themselves at John to get him. Oh, and they were good too. From giving him their milk and cookies at lunch, to buying him candy after school. A young boy is defenseless against this tactic. Especially when, when one did something, the other would try to one-up the other. Laura was currently leading the competition, when Lisa started the rumor that Laura was a lint licker. Laura was pissed and went for the jugular. She started the rumor that Lisa was a cootie queen had never gotten tested. The crap had just hit the fan. Everyone knows if you’re in fourth grade that is one of the biggest insults there, even worse than saying you play like a girl.

If were believed to be carrying the cooties virus, you were and instant cast away. No more birthday parties, no more sleep overs, etc; life as you know it ceases to exist. Not even the teachers would touch you. But if you’re a boy and catch the cootie virus, it’s certain death for you buddy. So boys especially stay away from girls with cooties; even John. Lisa was still trying to make Laura look bad, but the cootie blow was too much to overcome. John poor sap; started seeing more and more of Ms. Laura. One night after one of John’s ball games, he was walking Laura home when they kiss. Little did John know; Laura was the one with the cooties virus, and he had just contracted the virus.

Laura was a bit of a cootie queen too, the next week there were no boys left in class, even the teacher was gone. They all were in the hospital fighting for their lives. They kept flying in specialist after specialist; they even flew in James Presley, the world renounced cootie doctor and survivor. But they all slowly died within a week of contracting the deadly cootie virus from the retched Laura.

This was a public safety announcement. I hope all who read this learn a valuable lesson from these young men’s terrible misfortune. Get your cooties vaccination also don’t be like them protect your partner and yourself; get tested.





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