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The lunch looks disgusting; I don’t think this should even be a lunch. It might be chili, at least it’s a guess… Still what a shame to waste it. So I attempt to put the spoon filled with that slimy goop in my mouth. The plastic utensil stops half way. I can’t do this. These lunches really freak me out. They should have better ones considering this is a catholic school. I glance around the table with my friends chatting and picking at their sack lunches their moms packed. My mom doesn’t pack me lunch and I don’t know how to do it myself. They never seem to turn out right. I’m stuck with the goop. At least she finds the time to pay for it? I don’t really know.
I get up with the thin tin bowl and take it over to the garbage bin. This is the routine for most days. It’s the middle of the fourth grade year and I think people are noticing how I don’t eat at lunch. I can afford to lose the weight anyways. I pass the table with all the snotty kids after I threw my food away. “Hey, Callia!” this girl Kenya called me over. So I walk up to the edge of their table. “Why don’t you ever eat? You becoming anorexic?” What’s anorexic? I didn’t bother to ask. It probably wasn’t good anyways.
“No.” I said simply. I started to walk away. That doesn’t mean I didn’t hear the whispers then laughs. I shrugged it off, but really just pretending to ignore the fact that I know it‘ll come back up later. When I sit back down at the table everyone’s almost done with their food anyways. My best friend, Tonya, is complaining about her weight again and how she says she weighs way too much. So when I sit back down she turns to me, “You’re the skinniest one here..”
It shocked me, because I wasn’t near to skinny. “No. I suck in.” and I do. I’m good at it too. Everyone thinks that when you suck in your chest sticks out. But I found a way to make it look natural. No one believed me at that point. Whatever though. I don’t care about weight.

DIARY
2-3-11
Why does everyone worry about me? I’m fine. I ate 600-700 calories and only made three marks. That’s better than eating nothing and making seven marks! I’m fine. See, I can put on a smile right now. Smiling... Wow, I can’t even fool my diary. Maybe I can still fool myself.
No wonder they know I need help.

CURRENT
My room is too cold, I breathe and there are white ghosts of my breath floating up, up, and vanishing. Just like that, I wish it was that simple for me too. If I did, I wonder where I would end up. I don’t ponder that thought for long. I don’t actually care where I would end up. Just plain vanishing would be enough.
I can hear my parents are just coming home. Probably drunk out of their minds again. I would actually consider worrying about how they make it home without dying if I just cared a little bit more. I should probably feel bad about admitting that. But I only feel hollow. What a shame. What a waste.
No one would care, I suppose. After all, I am just one voice in sea of everyone else’s. And there’s worse out there. That thought makes me shutter every time it crosses my mind. The world is such a stone hard place. People recognize it too and don’t do anything. Well, neither am I. I should try. See how far that’ll go. Not too far probably.. I’d most likely forget these thoughts when I wake up anyways.
Sleep sounds like bliss at this moment. But I have to clean up after myself. Don’t want my parents to see what I do. Even though I doubt they’d care to even check or notice. They’d most likely confront it then go back to their life of friends, parties, and bars. I need to get out of here.




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