And why is the world so unfair that you can have something so beautiful and brilliant and warm and then have it go dim and fade away from the ever enduring love that fills your heart? And the pain when it's over, the hellish nightmare of being in the depths of despair because the memories will never fade, the whispers words and sweet murmurings will always be there sketched in your heart. This is the deepness of the grief inside me. So why is it the world goes on mocking what we had and what will never be again? For the world understands nothing kind or good or right. I shall always live in this place of pretending so that the world does not tear every shred of love I have left from my soul. Not that there is much left in the way of love. All the life I had is nothing now. Woe to the men who step through the shifting shadows into the treacherous maze of my heart. A fire burns deep there and they will be consumed in the undying flames. Foolish was I to love for the battle that wages now is uncontrollable agony filling my every core. My heart continues its constant weeping for the forever that flashed by as quickly as the rising of the sun. I relied all my strengths and hopes upon the promises I held so near that when the light of those promises disappeared I was left in such a heavy blanket of darkness I was forever stranded alone. The seas of sorrows crashed into me tossing me in and out of their murky depths. I know now I did not deserve what I had been gifted for I had not treasured it close enough and guarded it from the wickedness around me and the misgivings within myself. I revealed all my mind and and poured all my heart and soul into the dance and rhythm of what I longed for and barely managed to save any of my being when the silent stalking of the end came near. Who was I to judge the miracle I beheld? And who was I to turn my back from its ways when I yet had no understanding of it? My heart is broken as it shall be until the day I leave this earth behind. The punishment placed upon me is real and bitter and cruel. From my wound pours a mixture of emotions bound together so tightly it is almost to overwhelming to describe. Hate and anger flow like rapid tides as a cloak of sadness covers them. But love comes slower, carefully with its grace and beauty out of every place sending a melody cascading into the skies above.
January 20, 2012