Rex the Bulldog

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Many call me strong, brave, and wise. Whenever people see me they back away in fear. Most would never think to cross me, for they know they will fail in their endeavors. My name is Rex and I am a bulldog.

Remember when I said that people would back away, because they feared me? Well, that’s not the case with Lisa. Lisa is Doug’s (my owner) long-time girlfriend. At first it was just a little fling, but now it’s turned into something serious. She’s over at our house all the time! And she can never take a hint when I obviously don’t want her at our house. You’d think peeing on her leg would be a big enough hint that she should leave, but no. She decided to stay and proceeded to say, “Aw it was probably an accident! I can just get another purse”. “NO” I thought to myself, “You will just buy another purse and I will pee on it again!”.
As I was saying, it was just a fling at first. Doug and I live in an apartment in New York. It’s hard for Doug to walk me because he wants to go one way and I want to go the other. For some reason he always thinks he’s walking me, but I’m sorry are you the one that has to do their business in front of everyone on the side of the street, Doug? The least you can do is allow me to choose where I “go”. So, Doug signed me up to get walked everyday by this dog walking company. I didn’t like the idea at first, it seemed a little over the top in my opinion.
The first dog walker I had was Frank. I hated Frank. He was that kid that grew up in the rich suburbs, moved to New York to “find himself”, realized there was nothing to find, and became a dog walker just to make a few bucks. At first Frank was pretty cool, he got along really well with Doug, but when it came to actually walking me… well that’s a different story. See, when we got outside Frank wanted to go to the park and I wanted to take a walk along the street. So Frank kept on telling me that we “had” to go to the park. No frank, we don’t have to go to the park. What will happen, frank, if we don’t go to the park? Will I die, no. Will you die, probably not. So let’s go down the street because I don’t know if you remember but Doug hired you for my convenience, therefore I am your master. Frank still believed that I was going to the park with him so I did something that I had only done once before. And let me tell you, this doesn’t happen unless it’s necessary. I went all dead-weight on Frank. I straight-up sat outside my apartment building and did not move. I’m a hard guy to move, I weigh 110. The last time I went to the vets, it was after my birthday. Doug always gives me human food on my birthday, but this time the portion was a little excessive. I knew I gained a little weight, but I couldn’t face the numbers. I dead-weighted in the vet’s office and surprisingly, it got me out of weighing myself. They said they would weigh me next time, but we’ll see about that. My doctor tells me over weight for a bulldog but I simply tell him I’m big boned.
To make a long story short, they had to get 2 guys to carry my back up to the apartment which was fine because I didn’t want to go on a walk anyway. That was the last time I saw Frank, who told Doug “I was the worst trained dog he has ever worked with”. Really Frank? Really? It’s not my fault you can’t handle the heat. The next trainer they sent over was Lisa. I heard Lisa ring the doorbell so I assumed my position on the couch. I didn’t want to go so I sat down, let it all hang loose, and stuck my jaw out so Lisa would be too scared to take me out. But when she walked into our home she actually ran towards me. I was so pissed. She started playing with the roles on my face and talking about how my “chub” was so cute. First of all, I’m big boned. Second of all, why is it necessary for you to play with the roles on my face? Has it ever occurred to you that dogs like belly rubs and not face lifts?
Doug got me ready for my walk and showed us out of the apartment. You could tell he liked her; he got really nervous and started mumbling his words. His nervousness was making me uncomfortable so I decided to leave and Lisa followed me. She let me do whatever I wanted! She let me sniff around, walk through the flowers on the side of the street, and she even let me pee on the fire hydrant six times! It was awesome. By the end of the walk I was pooped. We got up to the apartment and Lisa handed my leash to Doug, who in turn asked her out. Lisa said yes and they have been inseparable ever since.
Lisa started wearing this shiny ring on the finger next to her pinky finger. I noticed because Doug told me I wasn’t allowed to eat it, it cost a lot of money. And yesterday the love birds took me to the pet-clothing store. Now, I personally I hate wearing clothes but the tuxedo they got me looks so fly. The cashier said “He is going to look so handsome walking down the aisle!” I’m not completely sure what that means, but I’ll take what I can get.





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