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Things I'll Never Say
Hey. Long time no talk, huh? I was going to say "Dearest Ryan" and be all like old-timey and stuff but I was worried it would come across as a come-on. Not my motive. So I just thought I'd say "Ryan." You ever wonder why people do that in e-mails and letters and stuff? They don't start with a "Greetings, my good fellow!" They have to say the name of the person to whom they are writing. As if the person would forget their own name or something. It's all very redundant when you think about it.
I've been thinking a lot about you. I know that sounds like another come-on, but really it's not. It's just the truth. I've been thinking a lot about you and me. About us, I guess, before we became...like, not us. I watched When Harry Met Sally last night, and about halfway through it, I realized that probably if I had watched that movie a year ago, or even just a few months ago, I probably wouldn't be writing to you now. I would have realized that in this situation, I was Harry (sort of), and you were Sally (sort of), and I would have been able to fix the mistakes that Harry and Sally and I made before they escalated into this thing that couldn't be fixed. And then it would have been fixed and the problem would be solved. The difference between you and me and Harry and Sally is that they had like a love thing. Ours was just a friend thing. But they were friends for most of the movie, you know? Friends like we were. Friends I guess like I wish we still were.
Anyways, it's a good movie. Watch it sometime.
I don't really know what my point in writing to you is, I've just really been needing someone to talk to. Truth be told, I don't really have anybody to say these things to, you know? (Well probably you don't know because probably you didn't screw your life up like I did.) After we stopped hanging out, everything just kind of went...downhill. Like, majorly downhill. I thought I would be okay without my best friend as long as I still had other friends. I realized soon after that, that without you, I didn't really have many other friends. I kept trying, you know to get my life back together. I tried talking to people at school, and in town, at the hobby shop, but the more I tried, the more I failed. I tried going back to what I had before, tried making plans with former friends. Failed at that, too. Last week I pretty much just gave up altogether.
I suppose I shouldn't be saying I don't have anything. I have my family. They're pretty cool and stuff. And my job. And Joey. Joey's great, I guess. But I can't really talk to him anymore. Not about stuff like this. He says I shouldn't think about it, that that's what's making me sad. I guess that's true, but really how can I not think about it when every two seconds I'm being reminded that I'm among the loneliest people in Virginia?
And to think, all of this could have been avoided if I had watched When Harry Met Sally sooner.
Ryan, I've never felt so lost before. I don't know where to turn, where to go, what to do. I mean, honestly, I'm about two mental breakdowns away from joining a church. And then of course right before I join one, I'll remember that every church in this town is occupied by people who don't like me, or who I don't like. But really, that's how lost I'm feeling right now. I think it was better being alone when I was ten and didn't really know I was alone.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Don't think there's a purpose in any of it. I don't expect you to do or say anything in response to my petty woes. I know you probably problems of your own to handle, and probably you don't want to have to deal with me. I mean, why would you? We're not friends anymore. We're the alternate ending to Harry and Sally, where Sally moves on with her life because she remembers that Harry is a jerk despite all of his groveling and pleading for her to forgive him. Which I think is okay because it's a bit more realistic...but I totally just got off track, didn't I? I was saying something of minor importance just a few sentences ago. Oh yeah, I was saying, I don't expect you to do anything about this. Really I don't. But like I said before, I needed someone to talk to, and I remember at least you being really good at listening to me talk about my problems. We talked about your problems too, didn't we? God I hope we did. I'd feel really horrible if we only ever talked about my problems. I mean, really if that was the case, I'm so sorry it's not even funny. I understand why you didn't want to put up with that.
Also, I just wanted to say, I never meant to make you feel like I was slamming your parents. Really, I didn't. I didn't mean to do or say a lot of things that I ending up saying and doing. I didn't mean to delude myself to the point where I thought kissing you was a good idea. I didn't mean to pressure you, or make you feel like you had to be something you weren't just to make me happy. I didn't mean to make you feel bad all those times that I did. I didn't mean to go all psycho-freak on you, like a month afterwards. Actually, cross that. I was pretty much a psycho-freak the whole summer. And really, truly and honestly, I didn't mean anything awful or rude towards your parents or any of your family. I'm sorry if I said it that way. Again, I was pretty much an insane psycho-freak all summer. I really am sorry for everything that was said by me and that happened because of me. I made a lot of mistakes, did a lot of things I really wish I hadn't done. Yup, you heard it here first, I actually regret doing stuff. After I swore I'd never have any regrets. But I do. And since I can't take them back, I can only apologize for them. I'm sorry.
Again, don't feel like you have to do anything about this. Everything that I'm writing here is mostly stuff that I just need to say. And I'm sending it because I need someone else to be aware of the fact that I've said it. I'm hoping that maybe this will clear my conscience. Maybe it will help me prevent 2012 from becoming the Year of the Emo Girl.
I'd ask you questions about your life if I thought you'd respond. We could have a little conversation going, you know, back and forth small talk like old college buddies at their 40-year class reunion. But I've already said I don't expect you to say anything, and I don't want me asking questions about your life to make you feel like my previous statements were now being contradicted. So, I think I'll just close this e-mail with a thank you. Because really, thank you for taking the time to read this, Ryan. If you've read this far to the end, I really do appreciate it. Heck, even if you went so far as to open the e-mail, I'll thank you.