Life as An American Teen

December 7, 2011
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I couldn't face my mom.... I knew what I was doing and I didn't want to get caught again. I had to wash the evidence off so she won’t be suspicious.
As I walk into the entrance of my house the ten steps feel like the steps to he** and with every step it is like I am being pulled down with gravity. I make my way in the house. As I walk to the second floor where the bathroom and living room are to my right, and the kitchen is to my left and my mom’s office is in the front big room. She meets me in the hallway in the center, and right then and their I had to put on my poker face so she wouldn’t read an expression in my face that will give it all away. I had to wash the evidence off emotionally. I had to have an explanation to everything. I had to be two steps ahead of her like I was playing chess, because I was afraid of the consequence that would happen next, that would blow up like an atomic bomb ruining everything.

“How was school" my mom asked
“It was alright. Same thing everyday" I replied
“Anything new" she said
"No just homework” I said.

After that I went up to my room on the third floor. Thirty minutes into my homework my phone rang “I wanna make love to you, this right here is s panty droppa by Trey Songz" echoed throughout my room. I answered it and it was him.

“Hello" said a deep charming, familiar voice on the other line.
“Hey wassup" I said with excitement.
“Nuthin much juss chillin, calling to see wassup." he replied
“Oh I'm just chillin in my room finishing up homework" I said.
After an hour on the phone we said our goodbyes. Replaying our whole conversation made me happy and guilty at the same time. “Am I doing the right thing?" “Am I making a mistake?" “How long can this go on before I get caught again?" As all these questions running through my head my mom came in my room.

“Hey don't forget to do your chores" she said.
“I won’t.... can I talk to you for a minute" I said, with hesitation in my voice, I am afraid of how she will react.
“Yeah" she replied."
“I know I went behind your back with this whole situation but I would like you date" I began. "I know that you are worried about me and want the best for me but its time for me to start to have some freedom because I am a young adult, " I said in a pleading but strong voice.
My mom looked at me for a moment and said “you are too young and need to focus on school." she said
“But mom I just want to date, what’s so bad about that? Dating isn't going to change my focus on my education" I said.
“Listen I said what I had to say and it’s not going to change. End of discussion" she said.

As she slammed the door leaving the echo of the loud BANG!!! Erupt in my room. I was officially angry because she wasn't understanding were I was coming from, a if she wasn't a teenager once. I was forced with the decision to put up with her rules or leave and never come back. So I started to pack up all of my belongings and the little money I had and leave. I was sick and tired of how mom treated me. Last week she didn’t care that I got a made honor roll and whenever I tried to connect with her she would always say she was busy. It was two weeks ago when I was booming with joy about making straight A’s for the first time in my life. I didn’t think I could do it, but I did! When I got home my I told my mom and she acted like it wasn’t a big deal. Every time I tried to tell her how I felt she got mad. I often told her how she makes me feel when she is not involved in my life and she always made an excuse. She usually would say “ I have a lot of things to do and if I don’t get them done then no one will” or she will say “you don’t need me to be happy for you and your accomplishments, it’s something that needs to be done just like I have to work in order to keep a roof over our heads.” Whenever she says unsentimental things like to me I get emotional and she often gets mad as if I did something wrong. When I try to connect or express myself with my mom she always turn her back on me, like a mother putting her child up for adoption. With all these problems, my mom often made me emotional because we never met eye to eye. The way she did not hear me out about making adult decisions when it came to dating just added to the fire. So I sneaked out the back window, but before I left I put a note on my bed that read

“Sorry moms I cant do this no more, I cant take it I feel trapped. I need my freedom I hope you understand, I didn't want it to end like this... goodbye"

I went out the back window and sneak quietly and ran away as far as I could. I didn't know where the he** I was going but I had to be somewhere away from here. As I walked the streets I was in a deep thought. I was free but had nowhere to go. I left because I wanted to be free, it was suppose to feel good but I felt cold and lonely. So I went to the person I had love and desire for, I was anxious. When I arrived at his house he was surprised.

“Hey what are you doing here" he said in a confused voice.
“my mom doesn't understand me I left because I..." I stop as I heard a girl call his name and she came to the door barely with anything on.

My heart was torn, tears welled up in my eyes, and my face was steaming with the betrayal I felt. I believed in him and thought he was different. I felt stupid, I had run away because of him and he obviously didn't give a da** about me.

“Sorry" he said as he stood there.

I just walked away because I was ashamed that I fell for his game. We had such a good time together. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple. He was so sweet, caring, romantic, and intelligent. He had all the characteristics a girl wants in a boy. He would shower me with gifts, talk about our future together, and even helped with problems that I was having with my mom. He never rushed me when I said no and always listened when I had something to say. But I guess that I didn’t mean anything because he found a girl that could give him something I couldn’t give or didn’t have. I went to the liquor store and bought two bottles of Vodka and went to a neighborhood park to drink the pain away. I began to think about my painful life, friends, family, and him. I pulled my phone out and send a text message to all my loved ones

" I love you and I want you to know that you mean so much to me and I am sorry for the pain I am about to cause you, but I cant do this no more."

After I sent the text messages I began asking god why me, and why I went through the things I went through. I asked god for his forgiveness and prayed for my loved ones and for my mom. I broke the Vodka bottle on the bench I was sitting on and began to cry.

" I am sorry mom I am so sorry."

I used the sharp glass that I broke and slit my wrist and my throat. As the blood left my body so did my energy and my soul. The blood was dripping out and I couldn't help but think about all the disappointment in my life and how my father was an alcoholic, and how I never felt loved by my mom. I was always an outsider and I had no one to trust but him. He had made my life worth living for; he woke something that was never there to begin with. I am alone in this world with no one on my side. Facing depression at the age of thirteen for a year. With no one to help or comfort me.

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