How to show everyone else you are better than them

December 10, 2011
By Rosemarie BRONZE, Peoria, Arizona
Rosemarie BRONZE, Peoria, Arizona
1 article 0 photos 0 comments

When I was born something magical happened. The birds sang, harps instantaneously started playing, and bright light shone through the sky through the hospital and onto my bed. All throughout my childhood people sought me out as a prophet, a child deity of some sort, to enlighten them in their mediocre lives. Everyone came to me for guidance; I had to take on a role that was thrust upon me: being better than everyone else. It is not hard to be better than every other insignificant life form in this world if you were born sacrosanct, but for those who were not, this is how to show everyone else you are better than them.

Asserting being more valuable than the commons is fairly simple, it is all about the look. Do not look anyone directly in the eyes; doing so would put you on his level. Your regal essence cannot bear to be wasted on the simpletons of the world. To fix this problem, try looking about an inch above the peasant’s head while he is speaking. Do not feel “bad” or “rude” about this obvious sign of disrespect, this peon did not even have the courtesy to bow in your presence. Just acknowledging his trivial existence is being gracious enough.

Next, do not entertain the ideas of the meager hoi polloi, this will give them confidence. Their inane ideas should not be your burden. There are three responses that will suffice every time plebeians speak to you. The first response is for replying to a question. There is no need to hear the question, because it is implied that anything an average person could inquire, is far too simple and mundane for your divine ears to listen. Simply retort “Why would you even ask me that?” and throw in a bit of a snarl as you viciously turn away to do something more important. The next answer you give to an unworthy individual, is “no”. Utter it right as he forms the words on his lips, cut him off and just walk away. The last way to deal with an asinine idea is to not even acknowledge it, just walk by and pretend you heard nothing.

Lastly, being superlative is the key. Although by now you are an expert at not caring about those around you, you still need to get your image out. If you do decide to converse with one of the petty, then you must be better than him, or anything he could imagine to be or do. For instance, if he states that he got a 99% on test, say you got a 107%, if he went hunting and killed a deer, you went hunting and killed two bears with nothing but your bare hands. These claims may seem far fetched but then again, there is nothing you cannot do. You are the perfect specimen, remind them of that and they will aspire to be like you.

If all these steps are followed correctly, then you should be the talk of the town in no time. Heads will turn in reverence as you pass, the gods will beg you to lead them and someone might just ask you for an autograph. Your divinity will be known by all.

The author's comments:
i wrote this for my dual enrollment class, everyone seemed to find it humorous

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