It was my birthday. I was turning 34. Little did I know this would soon become the most eventful birthday of my life. I walked through the living room and into the kitchen to do the dishes from earlier that evening, but I could feel the eyes watching me from the stained, musty, living room couch.

“ Don’t look at me like that!” I yelled at once, avoiding eye contact.

Fluffy stared….

“ You know what I mean! That smug look…. It bothers me!” I mumbled angrily.

Fluffy stared….

“ Seriously, you are nothing but an ungrateful little brat” I rambled on “ You have no right to sit there mocking me! Who do think feeds you? Huh? Does the food just magically appear? Is there a little cat food fairy that comes every day and just poofs your bowl full? I don’t think so! And don’t even get me started on the litter box!”

Fluffy stared….

“ Your impossible!” I yelled and stormed out of the apartment.

Fluffy was my 17-year-old cat. She was an orange and white tabby and one of the fattest I had ever seen. I found her when I was kicked out of my parents house, and we had stuck together ever since.

Well, of course I couldn’t go back in, not after that dramatic exit I just pulled off. Then Fluffy would win ……like she always does. I sighed and decided to take a trip to the local supermarket, after all it was my birthday, I could afford to be a little adventurous.

By the time I finished walking down the 3 flights of stairs I was panting and my sweat had soaked through my brown, baggy shirt. You see I’m not exactly the fittest of men; ever since I was kicked out of the house my health has slowly declined, until I became chubby, smelly man with brown, greasy hair that flops over my forehead like a wet mop. The fact that was 5.4 didn’t help either.

I reached the super market and walked straight to the back, the pastry section. I had just grabbed a jelly donut when I heard a small giggle. I slowly tilted my head, and out of the corner of my eye I could see three hot girls, standing in the corner of the store. They were smiling at me! One of them whispered something to the other, the shortest, prettiest one, and pushed her forward. She looked back, but they egged her on. So she took a deep breath, and walked straight to me. The girl stopped right in front of me and cocked her head slightly to the side. I checked to see if anyone was behind me, but there was no one. She actually wanted to talk to me. I could feel sweat dripping down my face, and my knees were knocking like crazy. I had never had any experiences with girls. Well, apart from my mother. I didn’t know what to do. Then the face twitch started; a nervous habit of mine that had been with me since preschool, and I debated running out of the store. The exit wasn’t too far away. But then her eyes connected with mine, and I melted like butter.

Her hair was brown and shiny and neatly curled under above her shoulders. She had perfect skin, and a cute, slightly upturned nose. Her eyes were an amazing amber-gold, and them alone made me go weak at the knees. Then she spoke, “ So… jelly donuts. Yum.” I nodded, to shocked to reply. The girl looked back at her friends, who were whispering furiously to each other, and then continued, “ My name is Emily Brown. Well… I couldn’t help but notice you, and I was wondering if you wanted to go for dinner with me. Maybe tomorrow night?” I nearly passed out on the spot. This gorgeous woman wanted to go for dinner with me! I stood there, awkwardly frozen for what seemed like hours, my eyes stuck to the floor, my body rocking back and forth, and my face scrunching up unnaturally every few seconds. I was still panicking, but finally managed one slow nod after a few deep breaths. She smiled and handed me a slip of paper with her phone number, then returned to her friends where she let out a cute girlish squeal before they all left the store. I smiled once and then, after a moment’s hesitation, dropped the jelly donut back on the shelf. After all, now I had a girlfriend, I would have to watch my figure.

I left the store still in a daze, completely amazed by what I had just witnessed. Maybe I really did have some attractive features. I pictured her eyes, so soft and sincere. Eyes like that don’t lie; I knew she had feelings for me. I practically floated home and collapsed on my bed. I closed my eyes and breathed in strongly and deeply, hoping it would add some romantic effect, but all it got me was a mouthful of the white and orange fur that coats the entire apartment. Oh well, nothing could ruin this moment. This was the best day of my life.

I woke up and lay in bed watching the ceiling fan go round, and wondered what I would spend the day doing. Maybe I would finally attempt to brush the knots out of Fluffy’s fur. Or I could rearrange the letters on my fridge to form my favourite oxymorons…. Then I gasped! The whole experience I had yesterday rushed back into my head and I realized with ecstasy that I had a date with Emily Brown! My hand slid into my pocket and pulled out the precious piece of paper that contained her phone number. After last night I hadn’t bothered changing clothes. I sighed and happily glanced at the clock. It was already 11 a.m.! I had to get ready!

I jumped out of bed, still a bit groggy, but before I could take two steps an orange and white blur streaked across the bedroom floor straight into my legs. I stumbled and grabbed onto my bedside lamp to regain my balance, but it was all in vain. The lamp came crashing down on top of me and I toppled to the ground. I groaned and cursed under my breath. Stupid Fluffy… Then I grabbed the corner of the bed and hoisted myself up. I brushed the dust and fur off my shirt and proceeded to walk into the bathroom.

I stood there staring at the mirror for a while, trying to decide what needed to be fixed. Well… the hair could use some work. I brushed it all the way out with a comb and realized with disappointment that my fringe was long enough to cover my nose. I thought a minute then left the bathroom to fetch a pair of kitchen scissors. I grabbed the handful of hair and took a deep breath before I sliced it all off with a short, satisfying snip. All that was left was a small, centimetre long section that stuck out awkwardly at the top. I was feeling pretty proud of myself until I noticed that now that the hair was gone; my forehead was covered with over twenty huge, red zits. Oh well… Then I noticed another problem. My hair was oilier than a deep fat fryer. Hmmm… I grabbed a handful of flour from the kitchen and a jumbo size jar of Vaseline. I dumped them onto the bathroom counter and proceeded to give my hair a makeover. I figured the flour would absorb the grease, and the Vaseline could give a sexy spike to my hair. A few minutes later I was done. The flour had turned gooey and was dispersed throughout my hair in odd little clumps. It wasn’t as good as I had originally thought, but I could live with it. Then I had to focus on my clothes. I walked into my closet and realized with dismay that my whole closet consisted of mostly baggy green and brown shirts and shorts. I did have one pair of pants though, and put them on after carefully selecting a green shirt with the least stains on it. I was ready. Fluffy had entered the room and was staring at me with her piercing green eyes. I looked in the mirror one more time and practiced sucking in my belly to make me look thinner. Then she meowed and I asked her, “ So… how do I look?”
Fluffy continued staring and after making a mocking face, she stretched out her throat, and threw up on a pillow I had carelessly left on the floor. She looked up at me and left the room, her head held high. Stupid Fluffy… I sighed and walked out of the room, ready to leave. Then a depressing thought smacked me in the face. What if Fluffy was right? I don’t know anything about girls; what if I made a mistake! I should just back out of this right now. But then I remembered her soft, honest face, took a deep breath and walked through the kitchen and opened the door. I left the apartment feeling more confident than ever, and closed and locked the door. I was about to walk down the stairs before realizing something. I had no idea where I was meeting Emily.

I stood there in the hallway, not even daring to think about what this meant. If I didn’t know where I was meeting her, I would have to call her. Okay, I know that to all you “popular” people out there, this doesn’t sound like a big deal. But if you’ve been paying the slightest bit of attention to this story, you will know that this is a huge deal for me. I had never called a girl before; this was the equivalent of jumping out of a plane… with no parachute.


I slowly turned around and re-entered the apartment. Fluffy was already waiting for me in front of the door, with the usual mocking stare plastered across her face. Typical. I pushed her aside with my foot and then my eyes locked on the phone. My hand reached into my pocket and pulled out the slip of paper, which was now beginning to resemble a suicide note. I still hadn’t taken my eyes off the dreaded phone. I took a deep breath and stepped towards it. My hands were trembling, and my knees and elbows were started to get moist with sweat. What happens if she doesn’t answer? She could be sitting in that restaurant right now, wondering where I am. I tried to picture her beautiful face, but now it was different. Her lips were pressed tightly into a frown, and she had a little crease in between her eyebrows. I knew I had to call her. I could not afford to miss this date. I looked at the phone once more, and a small whimpering noise escaped my lips. I couldn’t do this. Not now, not ever. My knees collapsed and I bent down and put my cheek against the cold, living-room tile. Now the tears came, little salty drops that flowed down my cheek onto the floor. This is hopeless. I’m never going to see Emily again because of my stupid fear! I lay there for what felt like forever, crying silently to myself, my body curled up in a little… well, big ball. I had to accept the fact that would never find the courage to pick up that phone, and after thinking about it for a while, I decided to forget about the whole date and get on with my life. As soon as I realized that, a sense of relief flowed through me. I was utterly exhausted. My eyes began to droop, and soon I was fast asleep.

A sudden noise jolted me awake. I jumped up, thinking that Fluffy had set off the fire alarm again. Luckily, it was just the phone ringing. I got up and dragged myself to the couch to continue my misery nap. I lay down, closed my eyes and sighed. Uh… when would the noise stop! Shut up already! Then I realized a pretty important detail. THE. PHONE. WAS. RINGING. It could be Emily! I sprung off the couch and bolted for the phone. I took a deep breath and held it up against my ear. Just the thought that Emily might be on the other side made me nervous.
“Hello?” I whispered.
“ Hi! Is this Steve?” she asked, her voice as amazing as I had remembered.
I tried to speak, but no words came out. My mouth felt as dry as a desert.
“…Hello?” she questioned.
I took a deep breath and got ready to reply with a simple hi.
“…Hhhiii.” I finally got it out.
“ So, about our date tonight.”
Good. Now she would tell me where we were meeting.
“ You see my friends kind of… well… they dared me to…” She paused and took a deep breath before continuing, “…they dared me to ask you out.”
It took me a while to realize the full impact of what she was saying.
“ Wait. You… don’t have feelings for me?” I muttered, hoping with all my might that it wasn’t true.
“ Look… I’m really sorry. I never wanted to hurt you and…I… I just…I have to go.”
The phone went silent. She had hung up. Well, I can’t say I’m surprised. I prepare myself for a waterfall of tears but none came. I guess was still in a state of shock, my whole body felt numb. I turned around, and Fluffy’s familiar face was staring at me once again. I sighed and said, “ Come on Fluffy… let’s go eat some marshmallows.” She smiled her creepy cat smile and pranced into the kitchen. I sighed and followed her. Oh well, at least I can start eating jelly donuts again.