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I have nothing too look forward too but a hundred reasons to be thankful
and I just cant place what I'm missing but I can place what I've lost
and I know what I don’t want but I don’t know what I do and whenever I look you my heart tugs too hard against my chest and yes I'll always be second best compared to the beautiful young lady in the center of the floor and I sit the tiles of my bathroom head against the shower curtain.
And I'll keep waiting.
Peoples minds will changes and things will get better but its right now and it sucks and there's nothing or no one to hold on to and I'm getting sucked into this digital escape or nightmare and I try to turn back to literacy but the buzzing and the beeping and the constant calls of gratifications from parents and so-called-friends come calling and there's nothing that can stop me from being who I've always been even though that’s not who I am anymore.
Its that feeling.
That feeling that starts when you've been awake too long and you know you should be asleep but you just need to wish those one, two, nine people happy birthday and you stare at the screen and your contacts start to blur and you just think about what you are actually doing here on this planet. And then walls start moving closer and your heart starts beating faster and the tears keep falling stronger and you don’t know what to do there's no way out except that one way…
That one way that always satisfies but never gratifies
When the sharpener does more then fill in bubbles on the PSAT's.
Its just that feeling.
That feeling when you need to take a break from relaxing.
That feeling when you have trouble remembering how you actually felt about something.
When you cant finish anything because your too buzzed out
When all you want is for it to end.
End. Blank page, forever silenced, well maybe not, yes of course not, stop feeling sorry for yourself, all you need is a vacation in October and all you need is some good exercise and sunshine, yep that’s really all anyone needs.
Surround yourself with people who make you happy even though their not really talking to you and smile at your demons even though their taking over you and maybe once a week look through your box of mementoes and wonder how.
How ever did this tiny sprout of a girl grow up. If only you had a time turner to go back and warn the poor thing about her road ahead. You were just so damn precious.
Milestones only come once in your life, some past when no remembrance of the night and others sneak up on Tuesday afternoons, but when your holding your day by your horoscope you know somewhere you missed one.
Missed something, something went wrong. Back in sixth grade, back in third, either or, there was still a ginormous gap and I went to the stupid fair that day and I've been paying for it ever since.
But I'll keep on.
I'll keep on doing my core reading, and my French homework.
And I wont stop smiling in the faces of the ones who haunt me.
I'll just be different when I'm alone.
That way I wont really be hurting anyone else.