I have an addiction, people seem to not understand, I am addicted to pain. it all started when I was 15, I was alone, I had no friends. I didn't have anyone to talk to. one night I took a sewing needle and I sliced my knee. I only did that a few times, and then I didn't hurt myself for months, but then I started talking to guys.. and I slowly broke down again. one day I picked up my lighter and I heated it up for a few seconds then I placed it on my finger, the pain, it hurt, but omg it was the best thing ever, I never felt so alive, so good. thats what started my burning problem. at first it wasn't so bad, a burn here, a burn there. but it got worse. I gave my sister my lighters so that I wouldn't do it anymore. but I flipped out one morning, I had to have the pain, I needed to feel it. so I took a fork and I heated it up on the stove.. . I burned my arm so bad that I got 3rd degree burns. I couldn't hide it, it was right there for everyone to see, for everyone to judge me. my mom said I needed my head checked out. my own mother thought I was crazy, maybe I was crazy, he** maybe I'm still crazy. almost a year later and I no longer stuggle with burning, but with cutting, I do it on my legs, so no one will see. I have to keep them hidden or else I'll get called crazy. maybe I deserve to be called crazy. I have over a 100 scars probably close to 200. I'm 48 days cut free, but it's a struggle everyday, I almost had a relapse yesterday. I almost cut myself. no one knows that. I can't go back to that dark place, I can't and I won't, I have to be strong, I have to overcome my addiction. but I miss the pain, I miss the blood, I miss the new scars. does that make me insane? I believe it does. I never wanted to be this person, this crazy, fu**ed up person. but I am, and I want to get better, for my family, for my friends, but most importantly for myself. no one knows that I have the word "LOVE" cut into my left leg. I never told anyone.I was going to put "LOVE HATE" but never got to craving the word hate there. I'm scared that because I'm so scarred up that no one will ever love me. I look at where those da** burns are, and I feel disgusted, I feel like crying when I see them. what guy is ever going to love me, with scars all over me?
October 16, 2011