My last Chance

October 13, 2011
By Michaela Paholski BRONZE, Ivoryton, Connecticut
Michaela Paholski BRONZE, Ivoryton, Connecticut
2 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Fighting back tears, struggling to keep my eyes open. Every blink is a struggle. My eyelids are screaming to close and they try climbing down my face to shut, but inside I find a spark and know to keep up hope. My two beauties, the wonders of my life aren’t here and I am grasping onto life as long as I can. This is not how I pictured my life, nothing I wanted to conquer is done, and I can’t die. Everyone keeps saying, “Cameron you can’t die, hang in there you are brave.” That danced through my ears every time I thought about letting go. I lay here in this hospital bed in California, the same spot I have been glued in for weeks now. The nurses have given up and I am here in hospice waiting for my time. Watching, waiting, and hoping. I hear footsteps down the hall and my face lights up in jubilance because my kids are here. They jump on my bed and squeeze me like a bottle of ketchup. “I won’t let go daddy, never ever.” Tears form in my eyes and sit there creating puddles, trying to stay strong and keep them from leaping out of my eyes. I didn’t want this to conquer me. This thing called cancer that twists your body and slowly deteriorated you. We were battling and I think it had won. I take a deep breath hug them and know this is my last chance to save everything.

Room 1428 hospice floor…sitting, waiting, every second counts until it’s the last chance. I sit close to my husband as he lays helpless in his hospital bed. Our hands mold perfectly into the others and I hold on with every inch of strength left in my body. I keep telling him, “Hold on for the kids.” My mother is getting them from school and they need to say goodbye before their dad is gone forever. I know it’s cruel to tell him to keep pushing, but what else can I do? I am out optimism. I hear sprinting and pounding of feet and I know in a second that two kids will be entering this room, tears in their eyes and wanting their father. I just sit back and watch it happen. I began weeping and before I know it my cheeks are being painted with water as tears stream down my face. The bond of a family, the leader of the pack, the person who ties us all together is withering away in front of me and I can do nothing but sit and observe. I can take it no more, and despite what my daughter may say I open up my mouth to the room. “Cameron, it’s okay you can go now. We will miss you and I will never stop crying, but our job as a family is to help each other and protect the ones we adore in everything. I can stand to see you suffer any more. I love you with all my heart but we will be united again someday, it’s okay you can go.” I said that with tears in my eyes and I choked up a few times but I knew it was what had to be done, it was my last chance to end his pain.

Only an hour into school I was called down to the office, and to my surprise my grandma and little brother Josh were standing there. With concern and fear I asked them why they were there. Then the news was thrown at me. My dad was in hospice and dying as we were talking and I might never see him again. We rushed to the hospital and quickly ran to room 1428. As I sprinted through the door I saw my mom and dad. I ran and hugged him, I couldn’t resist. I kept telling him staying with us, stay strong, be tough. In instant, memories flashed before my eyes and I saw him holding my hand as a little girl and me sitting on his lap. I started crying and I couldn’t help but be so sad. The silence in the room was cut with my mom’s words. As she was speaking I just kept repeating, “No No NO!” I couldn’t believe what she was doing. Is this actually happening? Why is my mom so cruel? It wasn’t until I experienced this one moment that made me realize that I was really the cruel one. He is the strongest person I’ve ever met, but on this day I saw a tear in the corner of his eye. Not a tear of joy, but not sadness either, it was the worst kind…a tear that meant pain. A tear that showed the end of his journey and that he no longer had to be the tough guy. He was letting go and I could see it. So I held him tighter and mad every moment great. It was my last chance to remember him.

Today during my snack time I was called down to the office and my grandma was waiting for me. I was so happy to see her and I thought we would have a fun day and I would get to skip school. Once we picked up Riley grandma told us today was not going to be a fun day. She said, “Kids, your dad has been sent to a hospice special care room in the hospital and they don’t think he will make it much longer.” Riley started weeping and tears ran down her face. I didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t going to make what much longer? I just knew it wasn’t good so I wanted to get to the hospital quick and see my daddy. When we got there I followed Riley as she ran to his room. As I entered the room I saw my dad with needles and machines hooked up to him. I froze; I didn’t know what to do. Where was my cheerful daddy who played football with me and scared away the monsters at night? Where did he go? I started to cry too because I was scared of the stranger lying in front of me. Riley ran up and hopped on his bed and hugged him like he was going away for a while. The kind of hug you don’t give very often. So I followed and did the same and we just laid there hugging until mommy started to tell me something. She explained that sometimes when people have a disease like my dad it takes over their body and there comes a point when you have to give up, no matter how much you want to keep holding on. I knew daddy was dying and I couldn’t stop my tears. I held him and whispered “I love you,” this may be my last chance to every say that.

The author's comments:
this piece was done using one phrase. And this phrase is repeated through out various perspectives.

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