Cleaning Out My Closet

October 19, 2011
By Anonymous

I never realized how many people I truely hurt.
Spencer was making a list of people she did wrong to, including herself. What’s sad about this is that she never realized who she hurt without even knowing.
Nick was on the list, so was Katerina, Liam, Emma, Harry, Hanna, etc. The littlest things were on there, too. Like, how she stole Katerina's shirt when they were little. Or how she tripped Liam during a band gig. She just needed to apologize to everyone and anyone. She didn’t care if it was something ridiculous, it was part of her treatment.
The doctor was sitting across from her, watching her make the list.
“Do you mind?” Spencer asked.
“You want me to leave?” The doctor asked simply.
“That would be nice…”
The doctor didn’t move.
“I mean, can you please leave?”
“Sure, Spencer.” The doctor smiled at her and then left the room.
Spencer rolled her eyes. She hated that the doctors were everywhere 24/7. It’s like h*ll, but worse.
She wondered how all her “friends” were doing. She wasn’t allowed to have contact with the outside world. Unless they came by appointment. And the only one that bothered to visit her was Selena. And by that, she realized who really cared about her.
Back to the list… She said to herself. Thinking about this doesn’t help. I need to finish the list.
She looked at the things that were on it.
Katerina, I’m sorry for liking Nick even though you were dating him.
Liam, I’m sorry you’re a jerk.
Nick, I’m sorry for everything I’ve done.
etc, etc.
Some of the things were sarcastic, like the Liam one. She wasn’t sorry for anything involving him. He was the one that hurt her. Why should she be sorry?
The doctor’s voice came out of nowhere. “Remember, Spencer, no one will see this list but us, so open up to anything and everything.”
“SHUT UP, I KNOW.” Spencer snapped.
She rolled her eyes and went back to the list.
Her hand started to shake as she wrote this down. Katerina, I’m sorry for ignoring you for over a year. You’re my best friend and I love you. I’m sorry for changing so much. And for using things that I shouldn’t have to get through my problems. I should have went to a doctor like you said. But I just kept letting everything bottle up and bottle up till I blew up. I should’ve gotten help sooner.
Tears slowly went down her face. That was the only thing she was truly sorry for: Not getting help. She didn’t think she was as bad as she was. The eating disorders, the cutting, she thought she’d get over it. Or, that it would pass. But it never did. It just kept coming back. And the people all over the world that hated on her didn’t help. The only thing they helped with was bringing the problems back.
Me, I’m sorry for destroying you like this. I’m sorry for making you go through things that I should’ve stopped. I’m sorry for hurting you, and forcing you to do things that you shouldn’t do. I’m really am. I wish I never did any of this.

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