Lost...

October 9, 2011
All I remember is that I was trying to run away from the dark, but the dark caught up to me. It was reaching for me like it was the only way to save its life. I don’t know how to explain it, but the dark was strangely comforting. I wonder if it’s because I’m trying to get away from people. The dark was so comforting that I fell asleep in its embrace.

All I heard was a voice. The voice was musical, deep, and rich. Is this what dark sounds like? The voice was humming something; I suppose it was a song. It was strangely comforting. How come the dark is so comforting? Isn’t darkness supposed to guide you to evil? What happened to light? I tried to move, but I couldn’t. It was like I don’t have a body anymore. It is just my mind and me, or I guess you can say my soul and me. But, who am I? No one ever bothered to answer this question for me.

When I was younger, I was usually alone in my own little world. Was I bullied? Maybe, but I never noticed and never bothered with it. As I got older, I walked into the real world. I thought nothing could take me down. That all changed when I sincerely loved someone for the first time. I was probably too young to say I knew what love was, but at that moment I thought it was real. That person said they liked me back. I was so ecstatic. Someone actually liked me back. Not often people tell me they like me. I always thought I was just like the girls in those cliché high school movies that are below average and aren’t able to get a boy in their life. My friends always told me I’m not like that but I could never believe it. Many people told me that I am near perfect, but I could always find flaws in me. My happiness didn’t last long. In the end, I was played. Everything became dark and bleary. Every passing day I became duller and time stopped. My heart felt like it was cut deeply in many different places. Fortunately, I survived what was the darkest time of my life.

But, just because I survived doesn’t mean I’m back to who I am. I changed, just like anyone who is greatly affected by an event. Gradually, I became a different person. The explanation for this is that I changed so that hopefully what I went through doesn’t happen again. That also means not loving someone ever again. As time passed by, I finally regain some of the happiness that I was desperately searching for. But, the happiness didn’t last long. The people I always wanted to disappear are coming back. It’s like having nightmares every day. And the pressure of striving for perfection is not a good experience. My parents don’t understand anything about me. No one does. Not even me. I’m lost. I’m running around blindly in a dark maze trying to find myself. I know that I won’t do anything that may affect me in a major way because I’m afraid I might get hurt does not help at all. Everyone keeps telling me to “enjoy your life” and “make mistakes, live free, learn from your mistakes but don’t be afraid to make them”, but I can’t take their words to my heart. I keep getting hurt.

The voice started talking, but he started talking faintly. Everything became faint. All I heard is “Don’t be afraid; embrace all of your fears. You’ll find yourself”. Then the darkness disappeared. I opened my eyes with sunlight shining on my face. I was asleep in my class, and now it is lunch. My teacher was sitting there minding her own business until she heard me sit up. She just smiled at me.
“Had a long night?” she asked.
“Yeah, I had a lot of work to do.” was all I could muster. The teacher just gave me what was the classwork and luckily I had no homework from her and I could give her the classwork to her tomorrow. I walked out of her class all dazed. “Don’t be afraid; embrace all of your fears. You’ll find yourself” kept on running through my mind. Is that what I really need to do to find myself? How can one embrace their fears? While just walking dazed, I ran into someone.
“Oh, sorry; my bad.” I ran into a boy. His voice was familiar.
“Nah, it’s my fault. I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.” I said while trying to pick myself up.
“You too?” he was picking up my papers for me.
“Yeah.” was all I could say. I looked up to thank him for my picking my papers for me, but he stopped moving for a second. Then, he shook it out.
“We’re late for lunch; we should go.” He said while handing me my papers.
“We really should; I’m starving.”
This was the start of the long journey of finding who I am. I don’t know what I will go through. But I’m sure I embraced one of my fears, trusting people. I’m sure I’ll go through so much, but if I let the right people come to me I think I will be fine. Soon, I will no longer be lost. I’ll be reunited with myself that was waiting for me for so long.





Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback