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Thomas the Train

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“It’s been almost three years, can’t we just drop it already? This is all I want to say about him.” I said, slightly shaking.
Joanne, my therapist, looked at me from her desk, “You haven’t said much about him. How do you feel about him? What would happening if you bumped into him at Wal-Mart?”
“Nothing…”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Of course, you don’t…” I mumbled, as I stalked out, slamming her door behind me. No one ever believes me…why can’t people just leave me alone about him… I made a mistake I already know that. I walked away turning my music up full blast trying to rid myself of the feeling that was creeping up my spine.

I'm from the dark room
The smells of sweat and dirty laundry
Not wanting you to touch me
But having to face the world
After you forced me into this
Spending the night crying
Not knowing who to call
Or what to do
Except sit there and shake


The first day I meet him holds nothing for me. I barely even remember it, to tell the truth. It was the summer before sophomore year, and we were at the mall; by we, I mean my brother, sister, daddy, and me. Daddy was in his wheel chair at that time, so we used the ramp and ironically my sister tried running this guy over, if only it would have done damage… but they were friends—somewhat anyways.

I remember much more about the first time we actually talked. It turns out that once school started we had a class together. Since Kelly Walsh requires two years of physical education to graduate, I decided to take conditioning as my second P.E. class. He did too, and surprisingly he remembered me. As school went on, we became good friends. He treated me more and more like a princess and made me feel down right amazing—most days anyways. There were some days that it seemed like I didn’t matter to him at all. On those days, I cried, but he would always make it up the next day. I mean come on… senior guy asking a sophomore girl out! Dream come true, even if it was only some days…
I’m from the classes I ditch
To be with you
Even after everything
Staying through your abuse
Letting you hurt me
Physically and emotionally


His hand grabbed mine, trying to reassure me that ditching wasn’t that bad, as we walked up the stairs to his new apartment. He and his roommates had moved in almost a week ago and nothing was really set up yet. A mattress lay on the floor of his room, which smelled of sweat and cardboard boxes. He had made some kind of joke about the Thomas the Train blanket he had, just trying to get me to laugh. We lay there cuddling, making idle conversation, when something changed.

“Baby, I don’t want to do anything that you are going to regret later, but…” he led my hand down to the bulge in his jeans. “I haven’t figured out what it is about you, but you make me horny. And I so badly want you, but I wont push you.”

“Okay.” My mind was lost, what was I going to do? I knew what would happen if I upset him, and I didn’t want that to happen so, I kissed him. It was an innocent move, or so I thought…

“If you want me to stop say so. I really hope you don’t… but I can.” His voice and the look in his eyes made me freeze. I couldn’t say no to him.

I should have… that night I cried myself to sleep thinking of the pain and that look. He scared me. I knew I couldn’t say no, but I needed to. I should have.


I’m from the cold
The day you left
All I wanted was to be loved
But if this is love
I’d rather die
For all I could feel was the
Numbness of the cold of your heart
But this isn’t love.

“Sorry for walking out on you last week…”

“It is perfectly understandable. Besides, I can’t help you if you don’t want to listen or plan on ignoring everything I say. I’m here to help not hinder you.”

“Yeah… I wrote something about it. It felt really good. I think I’m ready to talk now.” I whispered, handing over my paper.

I’m from being able to face the world
Without the fear of rejection
You taught me how
How to say no
To stand up for myself
Someday, I will no longer live in shadows


She laid the paper down, reaching up to wipe the tears before they could fully form. “That was amazing. When do you think that someday will be?

“Right now, I don’t know. I’ve learned to say no most of the time… I still let guys use me and emotionally hurt me. But someday I’m going to change that.”



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