Not sure yet???

September 25, 2011
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Waking up to the alarm clock at 5 in the morning is not the best way to start a day. But of course, it’s how mine starts every day. And today is no exception.
I stumble out of bed, and catch sight of my cute neighbour. I wish. I think to myself. Brown hair, hazel eyes, just the right amount of muscle. Amazing. And oh god, his smile. To die for, that smile.
I creek open my brother’s door, and peer in. He’s still asleep. I’ll give him another hour. I can’t stand to wake him up, though it means I’m always late myself. He deserves to sleep more. I walk over to the kitchen. Of course mum’s left already. Why would she stay? I sigh, and grab the toaster out of the cupboard. We never even see her. Haven’t seen her since the divorce. Either working or getting drunk with friends. Almost made me wish I’d gone with dad. Then I remember, and I think again.
The toast jumps up, and I take one, and spread Nutella all over it. I take a bite, but put it back down again. I can’t do this. I ball up my hands, and race back up to my room. I slam the door shut. I guess I won’t be going to school again today. I’ll have to get Maddie to talk Tom to school.
Reaching for my phone, I catch a glance of myself in the mirror. I’m in the brink of tears. Right, no call. I text her a quick message, telling her, I’m sick, and that I’m sorry about ditching him on her again. But the thing is, I’m not sorry. I feel good about it. I mean, her life is so perfect; she needs to do something like this. She deserves it. I’m a horrible friend.
I feel the tears hot in my eyes. But I can’t cry. I have to get Tom ready. I squeeze my eyes shut, and try to imagine how life would be like if it was like Maddie’s. I play with the thought for a minute before shoving it away. It isn’t my life. This is, and I need to get Tom ready. I open my eyes again, and I see Tom standing there looking at my curiously.
“Hey Tom! You ready for school?” I say sounding like I’m perfectly fine.
“Yeah... Are you ok?” He says, eyes wide with worry. I can’t stand to see him like this, so I plaster on my smile again.
“I’m fine, just a bit tired, too much homework last night,” and I even throw in a laugh, to make it more believable.
“Oh... you’re not taking me today?” And I see his face drops. I can just imagine it. Mum ditches him, and so obviously, his big sis will soon follow.
“Hey, don’t look at me like that... I’ll pick up today alright?” I say giving him a hug. I don’t want to let go. I want to just hold him there, safe, and secure in my arms forever. But I do.
“Ok,” and he sounds so much happier.
“I’ve made some toast for you downstairs. You go eat it, and I’ll make you some lunch ok?” I say standing up. He races down before me, already forgetting his earlier concerns. I wish so bad that I was his age. Still so young, so innocent. Those were the days where I had no concerns. The days where mum was still here.
I shook it off. No time to think about that now. Another day is here. Time waits for no one. Doesn’t pause for memories, for anything.
“Eww!” I hear from the kitchen, “You ate my toast!” Of course. That’s the most of his concerns. Why should he need to worry about anything else?
“Sorry Tom!” I shout as I walk back down the stairs. “I got a little hungry” I pass him, and give him a light peck on his forehead. “So, it’s either left over pasta or a sandwich. What do you want?” I say leaning on the bench.
His face scrunched up mid-bite, thinking. “Pasta!” he yelled, and looked all happy again. I smiled at his innocence. Oh what I’d give to be in his shoes. I talk out the container of pasta from the fridge and another empty one from the cupboard. I spoon in some pasta til he says “STOP”. Then I smile, and close the lid, take a fork, take out his water bottle, and put it on the bench for him to put in his bag later.
“Right, time to get changed!” I said once he finished the last of his toast.
As he runs over to his room, I pack up the kitchen. As I wipe the table clean, I see myself doing exactly the same thing in ten years time. Because mum’s never here, I’ll have to be his mum for him.
And I realise just how much I want someone to look after me for a change, and not have me look after everyone.
“I’m ready!” Tom calls from his door, his bag, on his bag, and his hat hanging over his eyes.
“Have you got your folder?” I ask, walking over to him with his lunch. He nods proudly, and grins at me.
“Well Maddie will be taking you to school today,” and his face falls again, “but don’t worry, I’ll pick you up.” And I muster a smile. But his own looks hesitant, scared.
“Are you sure?” His eyes so pleading, bore into mine.
“Of course, and I won’t even be late!” His carefree smile returns, and he runs over to the door where his school shoes are. “Look!” he calls, “I learnt how to tie shoelaces up yesterday!”
I watch him proudly tangle up the laces as if they were done properly, and smile. He was just too cute. “Great job Tom! You keep practicing, and you’ll be a shoe-lace-tier-up-er-a. I say ruffeling his hair. “You brushed your teeth?” I ask bending down to fix his laces, and he gives me a huge toothy smile. “Wonderful” I say getting back up.
“Sissy... what does mum look like?” He asked curiously, hesitantly. That one question breaks my heart. It takes all I have to not crumble then and there. Truthfully, I was starting to forget. Mum was not a topic we ventured into a lot. It was better this way. No mum –No hurt. That’s just how it is. But I know we are both hurting from her absence.





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