Give Me Your Purse

September 2, 2011
By IAmWhoIWantToBe PLATINUM, Manila, Other
IAmWhoIWantToBe PLATINUM, Manila, Other
41 articles 0 photos 650 comments

Favorite Quote:
‎"I’m learning how to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world: I run my world." - Beyoncé


Leukemia…

That was what would make my firefly life shorter. Maybe, this was where my story would end—I would die. When the doctor told me about it, I wasn’t dumb enough to be unable to translate what he said into a simpler term: goodbye. People said it could make you more prone to infections but leukemia couldn’t kill you by itself. All I could say was that those people were dumb.

Anyway, I would be lying if I said I knew something about that disease. In fact, all I knew about leukemia was that it was blood cancer. Oh, that’s not all. It was what killed my friend and it was what caused my father to suffer. The doctor said that there were types of leukemia and he told me what was mine. But I didn’t pay attention to it because no matter what happened, it was still leukemia. Blood cancer. Serial killer.

The night was dark. Of course, nights were always dark. But it wasn’t what I was talking about—the moon wasn’t bright enough for me and the stars that were supposed to be hung up in the sky were out of sight. The lampposts and the fireflies that reminded me of my life length were the only sources of light I had.

Bending down, I picked up a rock and sat on a bench. The park was deserted. So I was alone—except for the fireflies and the chilling cold of the night. Gripping the rock, I tried to see if I could break it into ashes with my palm before it could make me bleed—I tried to see if I could fight against cancer before it could kill me…

Pain made its way into my palm and I knew it—I lost!

Sighing, I looked to my right to see a silhouette of a man from afar. Realization—that he was walking toward me—hit me. That was when I stood up from the bench… and ran. Before I could reach a distance, a big, masculine hand grabbed my arm and it was instinct that made me scream.

“Keep quiet.” His other hand was holding a knife that was aimed toward my throat. If he would kill me in a second, it was better than leukemia who would torture me before I died. Still, it was terrifying. “Keep quiet.”

That was when our eyes met, brown to brown. His features were that of a prince a little girl would ask for. And we were staring into each other like a boy-meets-girl-and-the-world-seemed-to-stop movie scene. Could it be that this man was my prince?

He raised the knife higher, aiming exactly where my pulse was. “Give me your purse.”

“What?” It shouldn’t actually have surprised me. Maybe, not if I wasn’t dumb enough to think of him as my prince charming. Of course, he would kill me without second thoughts.

“I said ‘give me your purse.’” When I didn’t make a move, he made me feel the steel, light enough not to make me bleed. “Now.”

Frantically, I gave him my purse. Taking it from my hand, he squared me in the eyes… and ran away. I sighed and tried to relax my heart beat. Too bad, leukemia would still have someone to play with.


The author's comments:
I just thought I'd be writing a romance story that turned out like this... :)))

Similar Articles

JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 10 comments.


on May. 20 2012 at 8:12 pm
IAmWhoIWantToBe PLATINUM, Manila, Other
41 articles 0 photos 650 comments

Favorite Quote:
‎"I’m learning how to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world: I run my world." - Beyoncé

Whoa! Thank you for pointing out everything that needs pointing out. Thank you! I'll try to work on those. :)))

Lacer GOLD said...
on May. 17 2012 at 4:13 pm
Lacer GOLD, Highland Village, Texas
19 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
The thing about philosophy is that it often runs dry when thought of so shallowly.

This is a VERY touchy subject, but you've handled it very well. You obviously know your subject matter and research. As for it being about a disease, I think you didn't have to go so in depth about what leukemia is and what it does. Stephen King can make up a disease and say "it eats you from the inside, like a small little rat nibbling at your heart", and it's more effective. That may be my particular aversion to disease, me being a Christian Scientist (no, it is NOT scientology) and not believeing in disease. But other points need work  too. For example, I didn't understand the firefly metaphor, you kept getting close to explaining it, but never did. In some cases, its the readers purpose to find out what the metaphor is , but this is fiction, and you owe us an explanation. You also use several double-negatives in the first paragraph, and make several points about the character being uneducated, which could explain that. But then, your grammar is perfect, so the double-negatives need to be fixed. Also, I didn't know who the character was, even by the end. You use diction from a masculine stand point, very little self reference and when it is made, its very simple and concise. Something I learned from TV: woman use a lot more description about themselves. "Someone like me/ A woman in my shoes/etc".

That may be wrong, but its something to get to know the character by. I really didn't care if he/she (seriously, I thought it might have been a drag queen when the robber said purse), and also, you can't use a relative description without any real description. If the robber looks like a prince, tell us what a prince looks like. I'm not a little girl, and cannot relate to her perception, especially when you make that huge physical contrast with his character. And why did he need to be handsome? Its just trivial, and you can get rid of it.

This story needs balance, overall. You need less frivolous detail and trivial information, and you need more character explanation. I think you can make leukemia a character, and kill two birds with one stone.

You have very good theme, and not a bad style, but you do need to work on trivial information, and filtering what is worth putting in your story. Did we need the firefly metaphor? If so, build on it! If not, leave it alone. I think you can build on it, actually get some character developement from fireflies. But you also have good story focus to counter your blindspots. You knew how to end this; with somethign sad and longing. But you can build the bulk of the story to something that makes the sad and longing fit.


Keilazia said...
on Apr. 27 2012 at 12:36 pm
Keilazia, Nedrow, New York
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you can dream it, you can believe it."

This is a good article! Read mine please, and tell me what you think about it.

on Apr. 24 2012 at 8:50 pm
Tink1350 BRONZE, Medford, New York
4 articles 0 photos 104 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Worries are like weights and weights keep you down, so let go of your worries and fly,"

I love the thing you wrote about the rock. It was great, very creative. ;) great work.

on Apr. 23 2012 at 11:31 pm
IAmWhoIWantToBe PLATINUM, Manila, Other
41 articles 0 photos 650 comments

Favorite Quote:
‎"I’m learning how to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world: I run my world." - Beyoncé

Thank you for the criticism. :)

on Apr. 23 2012 at 2:27 pm
TouchOfARose SILVER, Winter Garden, Florida
7 articles 1 photo 118 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We all have ability. The difference is how we use it." -Stevie Wonder

I really enjoyed the vagueness concerning the age and gender of the main character. I guess, in part, it made it easier to connect and empathize with her.
Also, the overall metaphor that Leukemia is something corporal and malevolent is a very innovative way to put it. I honestly can't find a single error in this. It really is amazing! This story is ...deep, and yet comparable to things that we would recognize, like a Homeric Simile.  (:

on Apr. 8 2012 at 3:07 pm
kingofwriters BRONZE, DeWitt, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Books are a uniquely portable magic." - Stephen King

I love books, and I love technology, but I don't want to see the latter overwhelm the former. I just think books are meant to be pages you turn, not screens you scroll through.

This is a good story; I liked it! It was pretty creative how she imagined the purse snatcher before he really DID steal her purse. Great job! :)

on Nov. 16 2011 at 9:11 am
Jappyalldayeveryday, Detroit, Michigan
0 articles 0 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
They say that good things take time, but really great things happen in the blink of an eye

This is kind of depressing (but I guess it's supposed to be) and some of the wording is very nice, good job :)

on Oct. 20 2011 at 7:39 pm
RayBaytheDinosaur GOLD, Hampton, South Carolina
18 articles 17 photos 159 comments

Favorite Quote:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

strange way to think of a purse snatcher, but very unique lol xD

 


Steph0804 GOLD said...
on Oct. 2 2011 at 4:10 am
Steph0804 GOLD, Seoul, Other
12 articles 4 photos 206 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog: you understand it better, but the frog dies in the process." -E.B. White

This is so powerful... leukemia is such a terrible disease. I love how the narrator sees the attacker not as a criminal, but as a way to end the suffering of leukemia before it even begins, and for a second, she even considers him romantic ;)




MacMillan Books

Aspiring Writer? Take Our Online Course!