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How could anybody understand? It wasn’t me being crazy. It was him being crazy. I didn’t do anything, but of course he’s dead so nobody can ask him.
Maybe I am going crazy. I have nothing to live for. I am alone. Despondent.
Only words keep me company now. Nothing else. Nobody wants to come near me. They say I’ll get better. They say I was depressed. I was neither. He was.
But I do not talk. They will not get me to. Only nod my head. Shake my head. I put my thoughts down on this paper and pray that someday it will be read.
“Now, Hannah,” my counselor says. “This must stop.”
I shake my head. No.
They have given up trying to get me to talk. They have given up trying to give me medication. Now I simply sit while they talk. The words flow in one ear and out the other.
Today it’s the If you talk you can tell us you’re innocent and we can stop investigating you lecture.
I stay in my seat until it’s time to go. Then I walk calmly out the door.
It was dark and we were on the balcony I just wanted to get down but he wanted to kiss me so I said okay and then I found a blade against my neck and he was pushing me pushing me over to the edge I could see the city below and
Stop. That part is too painful.
“This is your new counselor, Hannah.” The lady says. I nod. Okay.
She tries to get me to talk. I remain silent. Finally she gives up and give me the who do you think you’re fooling, everyone’s worried, stop acting like an idiot and talk lecture. I ignore her.
Then I grabbed the knife and looked at him and I knew he was crazy knew I couldn’t kill him like he was about to do to me and then
No. No, no, no, no, no!
He looked at me and I knew he was about to do something and I started running and there was blood and I thought I had cut him and then I realized it was my own and it was mixed with tears and he jumped jumped jumped over the railing and he didn’t scream and he was gone.
There. I said it. He jumped. I didn’t push him. See? He tried to kill me. I don’t care. I did then. I was at the top of the building with a knife when the police came and of course they thought that I has pushed him. So they put me in a mental hospital. I don’t care. Can’t care. Won’t care. Oh, I don’t know! My thoughts are tangled inside my head and I can’t get then to unravel.
I stand in front of my mirror. “It wasn’t me.” My voice is cracked from lack of use. I swallow and keep talking.
Just talk. I don’t car what I say. Talk and don’t try to stem the flow of words. Talk. Keep talking. If you stop you lose the ability to speak. Keep talking.
“Hannah, we just want to know what happened.”
“You want to know?”
It feels good. Good to talk.
“Yes.” She is tentative, afraid that if she says anything I’ll go back inside my shell.
“He… he…” I can’t. I can’t tell her. All that practice was wasted. A sob catches in the back of my throat.
I close my eyes and talk. It comes so easy I can’t believe it. “He jumped. I didn’t push him.” I can imagine his sandy hair in his eyes as he fell. “We were at the hotel for dinner with my parents. We went up the elevator to the top floor.” I almost stop but I can’t. “He had a knife. He tried to kill me.” His look of terror at what he had done, but also so calm. My eyes fill with teardrops. “Then I got the knife, I don’t know how.” They spill over. “And he jumped.” There I was, crouched at the top of the tower, holding a bloody knife.
“You didn’t do it?” My counselor asks. I shake my head.
“Do you have proof?” I shake my head.
“Hannah… the police won’t take the word of a girl who is possibly…ah… mentally unstable.”
“They have to!”
“Have you written anything…since then?”
He reads the last page in my book. “Can you tell me how this happened?”
I don’t want to. But the police officer is waiting.
So I talk.
15 YEARS LATER
Do I know you?
I think I do.
But I will watch you
As you grow
Maybe I will know you better.
But do you know me?
I think not.
I could tell you
About that night
On the balcony.
I could tell you
About the weeks that followed.
I didn’t speak.
But you still would not know me.
I could tell you everything about me.
My whole life.
But you still would not know me.
So you can watch me,
As I watch you.
I can teach you.
Simply as much as I can.
I can show you
What this world is like.
Full of pain and sorrow.
But also joy,
I will teach you,
My dear child,
The beauty of