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Diary of a Psycho - Unwanted 7/07/11

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I got my hair straightened.
When I went to school, some people said, ''Do I know you?''
Yes, you know me, I thought. I'm the former stalker freak who is bisexual.
Yeah, it turns out I'm not a lesbian.
I learned how to ride a horse [sorta] on Sunday.
The one who taught me...
Oh, wow.
D***it, Gabriel. I just HAD to meet you.
While I was riding the horse and he walked it through a field, he kept talking. We're complete opposites. He's good at Math and Science, says he's always found them easy, while I'm horrible at both of them. He doesn't read much, but I read so much I have to wear glasses because I have trouble seeing things far away now.
He takes care of tons of animals, and not that I wouldn't take care of animals, it's just that I can't stand actually cleaning up their messes. Like, when my dog throws up, I almost throw up when I have to clean it up. Gabriel doesn't complain slash almost throw up at all. He just gets out a torn-up rag and cleans it up.
And this time, I might have a chance. He goes to a different school [he doesn't know how obsessed I was over Zach], he's the same age as I am, he's in eighth grade too, and all the parents see him as responsible. He's the kind of kid all parents want their child to marry. Responsible, respectful, the works.

I thought, Wow, I could just sit here and listen to him talk forever.
Then I had a crazy thought about his hair. Is it soft? Does it smell good?
Why would I think about smelling his hair?!
I really HAVE gone insane!

This is a much bigger chance than Amy. After all, he's not a legal adult, he's not married, he's not famous, and he's not a girl. No freak-outs or anything there.

He hasn't seen my hair straight. Maybe that would help a little...
It certainly got Kayne.

Oh, Kayne. Yeah, he's the new guy who came in just this year, so he doesn't know about my freaky stalker reputation either.
Harley [the guy one] said he was talking to Kayne in the hallway on the way to lunch, and when I walked past he said to Kayne, ''Hey, there's your girlfriend,'' jokingly.
Then Kayne snickered and said, ''I wish. I would go out with her, she is hot!''

What. The. H*ll.

Out of all the people in the world, Kayne?
And me... Hot?

Uh, no. I don't think so.

And Harley told me this when we got to lunch and he sat down at our table. Airianna overheard and went, ''Oooh, lucky you!''
I should feel lucky. I mean, he's the mysterious new guy and all that, the one everyone talks about, with an unidentified accent. Some people even think he's kinda cute, like Alisa.

Uh, no, I don't think so.

Yeah, I said that again. I couldn't find a better way to put it, so I reused it.

I get the right reaction from the wrong guy.
Or, more importantly, girl.

Now I look like the kind of person who would deserve Amy. My bangs cover my right eye, and I've got a purple feather.

Speaking of Amy, her name...

Yeah, I did it again. Her name hadn't quite faded away, but it was gone enough that Mom didn't notice the few days I wore short sleeves.
Then again, I had lots of bracelets on...
So, yeah, I took the safety pin to the 'A' and sprayed it with hairspray. I must've cut deeper this time, because I did it before school and now it's still bright red, after eight hours. I didn't even use the window marker this time.
I need to redo the whole thing. If her name fades away, then what am I going to do? I won't have Amy with me anymore!
Don't tell me to work on /THE STORY/ some more. I've got so much homework, I can't write in my journal and write that story without having a million chores that aren't done. Then I'll get in trouble with my parents for either not doing my chores or having tons of late/bad quality assignments.
Then I won't have computer privileges or I won't be in Choir or Band. That already happened last year.
I was failing Science, so my mom took me out of Band AND Choir.

I missed a lot that year.

That was the year the emptiness showed.
When I broke down in class and cried because I didn't understand something. When I was desperately trying to get Zach.
When I was someone else.

Now, I'm different.
I will be strong for my friends.
I will be strong for my family.
I will be strong for me.
Or am I weak for me? Because I cut Amy's name in my arm? Because I know deep inside I'm losing it?

Oh, Lithium.
Sweet sorrow and tears, cold and dark and empty.
Nothing.

''Don't wanna let it lay me down this time, drown my will to fly. And in the end I guess I have to fall, always find my place among the ashes. I can't hold onto me, wonder what's wrong with me... Lithium, don't wanna lock me away inside lithium, I wanna stay in love with my sorrow...''

---''Lithium'' by Evanescence

Oh, but God I wanna let it go.

Oh, I think I'm gonna let it go...

But maybe I should hold onto it.
After all, when there is no emotion, what is left?
Nothing.
But isn't that what I wanted?

Sweet sorrow and tears, drown me in fear...

---Kristen





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