The silence is so unpromising. It sits there quietly waiting for a moment of an unhopeful spirit to swallow them up. I feel like it laughs at me. Taunting me, waiting for the moment when I sigh and give up. It’s laughing and I can hear it. It’s such wicked laughter, something that is so easily forgotten but the moment that you hear it again it’s instantly remembered. I feel like any moment I could be swallowed up into this overwhelming darkness that I’ll never return from. But in this moment I feel like it doesn’t matter. Of course “feelings” have never done anyone any good, ever. But right now logic doesn’t seem important. I guess that’s my first mistake. Exhale. Even my thoughts seem to be swallowed up. As if as soon as I think of them they’re snatched up and ripped from my fingers. And these wires! I feel like I’m being suffocated by them! Or maybe it’s not the wires… I can’t even tell anymore. Even this well lit room seems to have an eerie gloom about it. This room. It’s white walls and fluorescent lights seem to cast such creepy shadows. And these white stark sheets are so stiff and forbearing, like they could never hold the warmth of my bed sheets at home. Home. I’m not home, in fact, where am I? Nothing seems familiar, no pictures, or warmth, the familiar red painted walls are obviously gone. But where? Where am I? Ah I can’t remember! Why can’t I remember?! I want to so badly, but I can’t. And it’s not like anyone is around to answer my questions! No signs of life at all, except me of course. A few monitors started to beep in an irregular pattern interrupting the silence for a few seconds, but then were hastily whisked away returning the room back to order. And there it is again, this tugging nagging feeling that I just need to give up. Just let go and give in. And yet there’s another force telling me to keep going, don’t give in. I feel like I’m at war with my self. Like there’s such a huge conflict inside of me. Inhale… Exhale... Inhale... Exhale... Even my heartbeat is being muffled. I’m just so tired. I just want to let go. Give up. Give in. This war feels like it’s not even worth the prize. I can’t even tell what the prize is anymore. Whatever it is it can’t be worth this. It’s getting hard to hear anything anymore. My breath…My heart….My…….. I’ll just close my eyes. Just for a moment. Exhale. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppppppp.
August 6, 2011