The Rain..

July 6, 2011
I ran through the rain, sloshing my way down the quiet, unlit street. I thought about why I was running. The thing that bothered me was that I couldn’t remember why I was running, or where I was running to, I was just running.
That’s when it hit me. I stopped dead in my tracks; tears began to well up in my eyes once more. I fell to my knees, and keeled over onto my side. The cold still water on the road covered half of my face. It helped numb the pain, the pain that was coming. I could feel it coming; it rose in my chest threatening to burst. I tried not to think of the pain, and how it completely over whelmed me. It felt like there was a huge hole in the middle of my chest where my heart was, well used to be.

“Charlie.” I whimpered.

“I’m so sorry; it didn’t mean to go that far. It was an accident.”

He looked at me in disappointment. He opened his mouth, and then closed it again not knowing what to say. When he spoke the words came out cold and harsh.

“Why don’t you just leave?” The question wasn’t meant to be answered. Tears welled in my eyes. I took a step forward extending my arms. He grabbed my arms and pinned them to my sides.

“It will be better if you just leave and leave me alone to think.”

“There’s nothing to think about. Just tell me you love me and forgive me, and that you want me back.” His eyes went cold like the man inside went still.

“But I don’t.” Those three little words crushed all hope inside me into depression. The tears that were welling in my eyes spilled over in an outrageous burst. I never cried that much, not in my whole life. Not even when my parents passed away or when my father slapped me across the face. I’ve never had a broken heart.

“I didn’t… I wasn’t myself.” My tears slowed as I saw he face thaw a layer of ice away from his feelings. As soon as I thought that he was getting better, his face hardened up again with hatred and fury.

“Your right, you weren’t yourself. You the girl who cheats on her boyfriend with a freshman, how could you do that to me? Huh Rachel, how? I mean, if you weren’t drinking and did you even think about me, while you were…” His voice trialed off, we all knew what happened that night.

The water fully covered my face now; I felt no strength to pull my head up for air. The words “What’s the point?” ran through my head over and over. By the time I had felt the need for air, the world was going fuzzy. The street light above started to dim. And then the blackness came crushing me down with extreme force, there was no use in fighting it, I let it overpower me.

As I woke, it seemed like everything was a dream, but in dreams there is no pain. The hole in my chest throbbed and ached, to the point I wanted to wrap my arm around my torso, to numb the pain. As my eyes fluttered open, the rush of the flooding people around me knocked me back to reality, as I was wheeled into a small room, the world went black again.
I tried to sit up, but the people by the bed side just pushed me back down.

“Where am I?” I was so confused, this plain room wasn’t one of my homes but it seemed like I have seen it before. The dull maroon curtains covered most of the large windows, and the light tan carpet was rugged and worn. It had a musky odor to the small heated room. That’s when I realized my question’s answer was very obvious and that I had been in a hospital room.

“You’re in a hospital, you were found unconscious in the road.” The women’s voice was light and concerned. It was just like my mother’s. I couldn’t say anything; I know my voice would be too weak, as the memories flooded my mind. Once she had finished her explanation I just gave a quick nod and gently lay back onto my pillow. I fell quickly asleep.
When the women woke me, she said I had been sleeping for almost two days. That scared me more than it should, it shouldn’t scare me at all, there was nothing to be scared about. But there was, the thing that scared me more then anything else at this time was the pain. The pain was the worst thing a girl at my age could experience. I tried not to think of it, for I didn’t want it to take control of me again, and send back into my spinning vortex of blackness.

“We need to take some tests, to make sure you are alright.” As she said this, a doctor in a long white lab coat walked in, he was holding a needle in one of his hands and in the other a clip board.

“Okay, what kind of test?” my throat ached and cracked as I forced the words up my throat.

“All we need is a few ounces of blood. Not much, it won’t hurt a bit.” She grabbed my arm a braced it with her hand. The needle made me jerk as it pierced my skin. The sight of my blood made my nauseated; I looked away breathing through my mouth. Neither of them said a word about my tortured expression.

“That should be good.” He pulled the needle out and she dropped my arm. They quickly fled the room.
As I lay there, I could see June, my foster mom, through the little section of window that showed a glimpse of the hallway. She looked upset; she cupped her hands around her mouth and nose. I could be wrong, but it looked like tears were coming in here eyes. The nurse put one arm around her, and they vanished behind the wall.

After a while, the door opened with a slight crack, and June popped her head in.

“Honey, the doctor said you can come home now.” She wiped her eyes, still full of tears. I nodded when she told me this not knowing what to say, I could have said “Yes” or “okay” but I couldn’t get the words to come out. My throat was so dry; it felt like I would be sick.

“Okay, the doctor will be soon.” The door closed with light tap, and soon after the doctor came in with my stuff, but he didn’t leave. He sat on the edge of my bed, with clip board in hand.

“How do you feel? Are you experiencing any nausea or stomach pain what so ever?” There was concern and care in his eyes. I couldn’t get why he was asking me this. I had already told him I felt fine, besides my throat, which is why I felt sick.

“No. Why? Is there something wrong with me?” I was confused; did this have anything to do with why June was crying? He cupped his mouth, as though delivering bad news.

“Your tests…” he paused.

“It’s just that, your test says that you’re…” he looked down.

“Your test says that you are pregnant.” That hit me, hard. I could instantly feel the tears coming now. They began to spill over as the doctor wrapped his arm round me.

“Can I do anything? Contact the father?” His voice trailed off. I shook my head. I stepped away, ducking out from underneath his arm. I reached for the brown paper bag that held the contents of my clothes within. But as I reached, a twist of sharp pain pierced my stomach causing me to wrap my arm around my torso once again. The doctor rushed over to me, and helped me to my bedside. I gripped my torso with such force, to make the pain go away. The pain didn’t retreat, it only grew.

“Are you sure you’re fine?”

“I’m fine, where’s June?”

“Out in the lobby” He looked at me like he wished I would stay.

“Can you tell her that I will be right out, I just need to get dressed?” He nodded and hurried out of the room.

I clutched the side rail of the hospital bed, and breathed in and out of my mouth. The pain faded just as quickly as it came. I dressed in a blur, dazed by the news. I never wanted a baby, but now when I think about it, how could I not? I stayed in this state in which I was in until the freezing wind broke through my thoughts, it chased them away.

Our little Toyota was beckoning to me, promising warmth and comfort. Then I thought, it also promised silence, and maybe even pain. I tried to hurry, pulling the door open quickly. The ride home was quiet and still. I knew in the back of my mind that the right thing to do was to discuss this with her. Discuss the fact that I was about to become, I checked out the word, a Mom. It scared me and still, yet, brought me joy. I looked down, gazing at the flat stomach under my pale blue blouse, and imaged the sight of an infant inside growing, and developing within. I could feel a tear run down my cheek, I brushed it away. The movement was strange it felt distant, like it took all of my strength to make. I paused on my cheek where the tears dwelled; the spot was warm underneath my cold fingers.

Dinner that night was about the same, there was almost no talking she asked me how the food was and how I was feeling, but that was it. I know that we have to talk about this problem, no not a problem, this… inconvenience sometime. We didn’t eat together though, she ate in the other room and I sat in the kitchen. As soon as I could hear the front door open and close I retreated to my room, grabbing the phone on the way up the stairs.
As soon as I saw the door to my room, almost ran trying to get my legs to carry me faster down the narrow hallway. I closed the door quickly behind me, and approached my bed. Sitting on the edge, I could see a box sticking out from under my bed. I sat the phone down on the bed and began to reach for the little shoe box. The box was tattered and dusty, the lid was practically useless. I gently pulled off the ripped lid and beheld the hundreds of pictures packaged into time frames of my life. I slid back into the middle of my bed, picking up the first chapter of my life and flipping through the pictures. I couldn’t remember when I had done all the stuff the pictures claimed I did. I don’t remember going to Sea World as a child. But it was with my parents and when they had passed I had stowed away all the memories from that time. I had skipped to the point in my life when June was with me; I was thirteen when my parents died. Flipping through the pictures, my depression began to vanish and in its place there was happiness. The memories made me laugh and giggle at the stupid things I had done. Like punching Mickey Mouse at Disney World, or sledding in the summer. I had just seen every happy moment of my life right before my eyes. My fingers flipped faster and faster through them, when they came across one picture that made all the happiness disappear. The picture was of Charlie and me, it was last summer at the beach. I could feel the tears coming, I began to rip up the picture, throwing the whole box into the closet and slamming the door. I walked over to the bed again and picked up the phone, I quickly dialed.

The phone rang three times before he picked up the phone.
“Hello?” The velvet smooth voice said.
“I have some big news that I thought you might want to know.” I heard him sigh.
“Rachel, I told you to…” I interrupted him.
“I’m pregnant!” My voice was loud in the phone; it was louder than I thought.
“Wow, okay what doctor are you going to go see?” I never thought he would be like this, I thought to myself on how I never could imagine that he would be okay with this.
“I am not sure yet. Maybe Paterson, I will have to decide soon though. I need to figure out where I will have it.” There was a silence on the other end, and then the sound of a door shut in the background.
“You’re going to keep it?” He sounded furious. That’s when I realized that he didn’t care, he just wanted it gone.

“Of course, why would I not?”

“You’re only sixteen; you are too young to become a mother!” His voice began to rise.

“You wouldn’t say that if it was your child, would you?” I was yelling back now. The dial tone buzzed loud in my ear. I wanted to throw the phone across the room or hit something. I raised my hand, curling it into a fist. When another twist of sharp pain struck my stomach, it felt like hundreds of needles piercing the inside. I dropped my hand, straight to where the pain felt the strongest. The pain only lasted for a few moments, when it was over I sighed in relief. I lay over onto my side, exhausted from the day’s stress, awaiting sleep.

The morning was cold, the frozen January morning made chills run down spine. It took all the strength in my being to pull myself up from my bed; I was stiff and trudged around my small room, dragging my feet. The school day ahead scared me, I didn’t know how I would react seeing all my friends and having to tell them about my situation. I wonder how they will react to my news. In the silent I had noticed that it seemed like I was the only one home. I quickly dressed, ripping through my mangled hair with my fingers. I rushed down the stairs, going as fast as my legs would carry me. It came to my surprise that June wasn’t here, where could she be? Is it about me being pregnant? That’s all I could think of, when I thought about it some more; I haven’t seen her since last night.

The hallways of Sunrise Valley High School had been crowded and stuffy ever since the winter season started. When the first bell rang it was a loud buzzing, it made me jump. In my surprise, I had butterflies when I began to approach my friends, I didn’t know how I was going to tell them about my baby on the way, I just knew I had too. When they turned to see me they began to smile and quickly walk in my direction.

“Rachel! Oh thank god you’re alright.” Alex called to me. How did they know about me being in the hospital?

“Yeah why would I not be?”

“Charlie? He called me and told me what happened.” I was confused, how much did he tell them?

“What did he tell you?”

“He told me about the hospital, and you and him breaking up…” Her voice lowered.

“And you being pregnant.” Her voice was just a whisper now. She gave me a look.

“I think its good you’re keeping it.” Alyssa said in a blur of words. As soon as she said it Alex shot her a disapproving look.

“Thank you. I don’t think I could get rid of it.” My voice was shaky, even to my own ears. There was no more discussion on the subject; we talked about our plans for spring break in a few months and other things like that. Every once in a while there would be an awkward silence or a concerned glance. I tried not to let it to me; I didn’t want to break down at school, that wouldn’t help them in their concerns for me. The day past slowly, as if the clock made the time pass slower just for me. It was driving me mad; I thought the day would never end. It felt like everyone in my English class was staring at me, but when I looked back no one was. When the day was over, finally to my relief, I quickly rushed almost running to my car trying to avoid Alyssa and Alex. When I had reached my car I practically forced my body through the door and gunned the engine to life, the engine roared then chocked off with a sputter. I rested my head on the steering wheel, and could feel my eyes watering, breathing heavily I tried the engine again this time successfully getting it to purr with satisfaction.

The drive home was different; the silence gave me time to think on how I would start the conversation with June, how I would purpose my plan to her, and how I would deal with her reaction. The road in front of me seemed distant as though I wasn’t the one driving, as if I was the passenger and was just staring into space but seeing the road. My house is only a few miles from my school, so the drive was short but helpful. The house was still dark like no lights had ever been turned on; it was the same as I left it this morning.

I came to find as I twisted the door knob that it was locked. I was confused; had June not been home? Or did she come home and leave again? I turned the key in the lock and stepped inside quickly shutting it behind me. I paused before turning to face my living room, it was only a moment before I heard a car pulling into the drive way; that’s when I moved, and darted to my room. Throwing my bag onto the bed I grabbed my history book and flipped open to the chapter we were currently studying. I read about a page and a half when I heard the door down stairs slam shut. I set the book on my bed and started toward the stairs.

“June?” I yelled down the stairs.

“What’s wrong?” Her voice was alarmed.

“Oh nothing I was just making sure it was you coming in.” I began to walk back to my room when my whole speech, well proposition, popped back into my mind. I had to pause, I wanted to go discuss my pregnancy with her like an adult but I also wanted to go hide like a little girl, this wouldn’t be easy. I began to slowly turn, heading for the stairs. I stopped at the top.


“Yes?” She sounded annoyed. I sighed.

“Can we talk?” My question was quiet, I hope she hadn’t heard, but she did.

“Sure kiddo, why don’t you come downstairs?” I began to slowly waltz down the stairs; my stomach began to feel woozy as the bottom approached. When I had reached the bottom I saw June sitting in a chair at our little kitchen table, as she saw me appear around the corner at the bottom of the stairs, she patted the chair next to her. I didn’t budge.

“June… I am going to keep it.” I could see her adjust in her chair. That’s when my brain started to rush.

“I mean, I won’t get rid of it. That’s barbaric and cruel and I need to figure out where I will have it and…” My voice trailed off. I could see the tears in her eyes spill over. I practically flung myself at her, wrapping my arms around her in a hug. We were both crying now.

“I’m so sorry.” I said between gasps. I finally apologized to her. She pulled away looking straight into my eyes.

“No, I am sorry.” She pulled me to her again. We stayed that way for a while then, with relief she released me from her grip and fled to the other room.

That night at dinner, for the first time since I got the news, we talked. It wasn’t awkward in any way for me; we decided that I would be delivering at St. Josephs Hospital. She called the hospital and made me an appointment with the doctor for a checkup next month. Tonight I didn’t feel as though I needed to retreat to my room, tonight I felt good.

Weeks past, and I could feel changes happening within. It was exciting for me, to know that I will be a mom. I will finally know what it feels like to have someone precious in my life. Everything was finally turning around for me. For the first time in a long time, I felt good.

When I walked in the door, I felt dead inside. The world in my eyes was blackened to a dull gray despair. I had no idea why I would want to go on, knowing I was empty and hallow. The doctors’ words, “The baby’s gone” ran through my head, like an iPod stuck on replay. The whole way home there was nothing but crying, several times I had to pull over, so I wouldn’t lose control of the wheel. June won’t know that the baby’s gone until she gets home from New York; she is on a business trip there, for a month. The house that lay in front of me, gave me no interest, the empty rooms just reminded me… I couldn’t finish my thought.

That night, all I could do was cry no sleep ever came; just tears. The mornings were groggy, and I regretted the day before it began. The days and weeks just passed in one blur of pain. My sanity was running thin, and the crying just got worse and worse as the days passed. It hurt me to keep going on in this world all I could feel was pain, I felt like the worlds weight was crushing me into cement. The school days were only getting worse with time; my friends were now my enemies, and of course on top of everything else my grades slipped from A’s to D’s. Nothing seemed to fit anymore, was my life ruined by the loss of a child or by the boy who fathered it? This always ran through my mind, it disturbed me, not knowing why my life was ruined. Today on my way to school, I had decided to confront the father after my retched day of school.

“Trent!” I yelled across the parking lot into the small group of freshman. He looked up, he face lit up when he saw me waving to him. Trent was taller than me by a good five inches; he was lanky with shaggy blond hair. He was very attractive for a freshman. He began to jog toward me with a huge grin on his face. When he had reached me he crushed his lips to mine, the kiss, was the happiest I have felt in a long time. When he pulled away he looked at me like he was worried.

“Hey, I haven’t seen you for a long time. What happened to you?”

“Can we go somewhere and talk?” He nodded slightly. I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards my car. He came along with ease, following my every move in the gray down pour. When we reached the car I started the engine before he had reached the other door, as soon as the door shut a slammed on the gas and away we went.

I took him to a place where no one would find us. It was a short distance from our school; it was on the outside of town, it was a little meadow surrounded by trees. It would be the perfect place to tell him about… I could barely think the word, about the baby and the loss of it. There no one will hear him, hear us. I peered out of the corner of my eye at him; he looked excited like pleasant news would be coming, too bad that he is completely wrong. When we reached the meadow I got out of the car not bothering to wait for him to get out. I walked ten steps before I heard the door of the car slam shut and footsteps hurrying after me. He caught me and spun me into his arms, kissing me like he was never going to see me again. The kissing went on and on to the point where I had to end it. I tried to pull away, but he just pulled my hips his body again. I forced my body away from his pushing him away. He looked at me confused; I turned away from him, starting to cry.

“What’s wrong?” Trent’s’ voice was low and filled with sorrow. I didn’t know how to tell him, I wasn’t sure on how he would take it but I needed to get it out.

“Trent, I was pregnant.” I kept my gaze on the ground fixed on this little rock.

“Was?” He was confused.

“There was a complication, and… I lost it.” The tears were streaming down my cheeks now. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to him. He let me sob into his chest. He leaned down and touched his lips to mine; once more.

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