July 13, 2011
“I feel like I don’t even know you,” this girl, who had been my friend for years, whispered behind her tears. I stared at her, wondering what the right thing to say would be now that all the secrets were out, and I’d been exposed. There was no right thing to say, I guess. I’d lied to her for years, but really it wasn’t my fault. Then again, in a way, it was my entire fault. I’d wanted so many friends that I wouldn’t be able to count them all, but when that hadn’t worked out, and she’d been the only one left for me, I had been determined to never mess it up. Now, there was absolutely no fixing all the damage I’d caused.
“ No, you do know me. You know me better than anyone on this God forsaken planet. You’re my best friend, my only friend.”
She shook her head. I knew at this point that nothing I said to her would click, or even make sense. She’d gotten too suspicious, and I’d been dyeing inside wanting to tell her all the things I’d kept to myself for so many years. So, when she had asked me to confirm her suspicions, I couldn’t deny her.
“Anna, I’ve known you for six years. SIX YEARS! HOW COULDN’T YOU TELL ME ALL OF THIS? You have LIED to me for six years! Did you think I wasn’t a good enough friend to you for you to trust me? I don’t get it! I told you everything. You know about my mom. Oh, God, I told you about my mom. I never trust anyone, but I trusted you. You don’t have anyone, but you had me! I’m the only person who ever gave a crap about you! Your parents left you! Your brother left you! Every friend you ever had LEFT YOU! How could you do this to me?”
I just stared. I could literally feel myself getting more and more hollow with every single word she screamed into my face. I could feel every word hit me like bricks. Every time she spoke of a person, who had indeed left me, I could feel that part of my heart throb most painfully. This is exactly why I didn’t want to let anyone too close. They either use everything bad that has ever happened to you against you, or pity you. Both of which completely humiliate me.
“Malory please. You don’t –.”
She wasn’t just hurt anymore. She was furious. There wasn’t anything I could say, and I knew it. I stepped back. I took one last look at her fiery red hair, her red rimmed green eyes, and for last, her pink lips curled into a look of absolute hatred.
“Malory, I’m sorry. There isn’t anything else left to say. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I was becoming withdrawn, which was an unusual feeling with Malory, because she was the only person who I never felt withdrawn from.
“ You’re right. You are so right, Anna. I never want to see you again. You are the WORST mistake I have ever made. Do you understand that?”
I understood. After all the lies, half truths, and the total betrayal of friendship, I totally understood. I probably would’ve been upset too, if I hadn’t been used to people running over me, and hurting me. She would never understand though. She’d never understand that the reason I never told her all the secrets was because I’d been too terrified to lose her. No one would ever understand why I was one person on the outside, but if they ever looked inside of me, they would see something so much darker and much, much, more dreadful. How could I ever want anyone to see that? Telling someone everything about me, how I feel, who I feel for, what really goes on inside of me, would be like inviting them to my own horror film. One that would have you shaking afterwards for hours, and give you nightmares for weeks. People wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like me, or love me. I don’t want to be friends with me, but I’m all I have. Walking away from Malory, I knew I was going to be the only person who was around me for a long time. Alone. My punishment for lying, living with myself.

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