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Saying Goodbye In the Little Steps
“People don’t understand why I talk to you every day,” I clinched my hands into my jacket pockets, as I sat next to her. “why I talk about you, and why your always running through my mind, but the truth is, I’m not used to being away from you. I come to your grave everyday to talk to you about my day. People say you can’t hear me because your gone, but I tell them you’ll always be with me. In their eyes, you will always be gone, but in mine, you never left, you just stopped coming around.” I wiped my eye clearing the tears. “I cry when I think about you and people ask me why, and I tell them. I tell them how for so long you were the greatest thing in my life, how, no matter what it was, I could talk to you, and you were always there for me. I care for you so much, but people tell me its a waist of love, a waist of time because your gone and never coming back and I agree with them, you are gone, but you are never truly forgotten. One day we will see each other again, Tori, I promise you that, and I also promise you will always be my best friend.” I laid the dozen red-rose bouquet on the grave of Victoria White. It’s hard to lose somebody so close to you, somebody that you spend all your time with.
Tori and I, we were like sisters, until a car ride when terribly wrong and took her life, and risked mine. I know its bad, but I wish I would’ve died too. I wish I would’ve died so I didn’t have to deal with all the guilt I have, guilt I have because I was driving the car the night we wrecked, guilt because somewhere deep down, I believed I had killed my best friend.
“I pray to god every night, asking him to keep you safe and about one day meeting you again, in heaven. For along time I wanted to kill myself just to see you again, to apologize, but something stopped me, you stopped me. I knew you wouldn’t want me to do that, it shouldn’t end like that. I try to be happy, I try to be social, but it’s hard when curious people ask me questions, desperate to find out what happened that night. At your funeral the pastor said you would rest in peace, but nobody is ready to let you go. The light came crashing down when I realized I was holding onto a dream that would never come true.You’ll never come back, and I realize that now. Tears have been running down my face ever since you left this world, on this day, last year.” I was startled by the feel of my friends hand on my shoulders.
“I thought I might find you here.”Megan smiled bright, but she slowly let it fading when she seen my tears. “Your not weird for being here, you know that right?”
“Yes, I know.” I looked up at her. Megan was my older sister by three years. She hasn’t been around lately because our parents divorced and she went with our father. “Can I ask you why you’re hear?”
“What do you mean?” She had a defensive look on her face. I haven’t seen Megan in about two years, so I was a little curious.
“You never bothered to just drop by for a visit before, so whats the catch? You going to nose your way back into my life, then break my heart worse then it already is?” I asked her, tears running down my face. She opened her mouth to speak, but the anger inside me exploded. I jumped up and started to walk away from her.
“Darcy, wait.” She ran after me. I needed to think, but more importantly I needed to cope, and try to forget what happened last summer, the summer I lost my best friend. Of course when the police interviewed me at the hospital, I told them we wrecked because a car pulled out in front of us, which was partially the truth. We got away with it because it made sense and the evidence matched what I had told them. Megan grabbed my shoulder and swung me around.
“I’m just here for you. Mom thinks its best if you come to live with Dad and I for awhile. You know, she doesn’t think what your doing is healthy or good for you emotional health.”
“You didn’t even know how close we were. She was there for me, more then you have ever been there for me.” I paused to catch my breath, “Do you think its good for my emotional heath to be stuck in a house with a mother that brings a new guy home ever night of the week. Megan, she is like a living, breathing, blow up doll.” Megan chuckled.
“Dad knows that, trust me, this is going to be better for you, and me.” She smiled, hoping I would smile back. I sad down in my tracks and she joined me. “Do you trust me, Darcy? I mean you are my sister.”
“I used to, until you packed up and left me. You didn’t even say goodbye.” I scowled at her as she stared at me.
“Look at me.” She ordered. I let my eyes slowly wonder until I was staring back at her. “Come here.” She brushed my coal black hair out of my eyes and reached her arms around my skinny body to hug me. Only it wasn’t a hug, she didn’t let go. “Talk to me Darcy, what’s going on with you lately?” Everything from last summer ran through my mind, and I knew I needed to get things off my chest.
“Last summer, ruined everything.” I paused, she was ready to listen. “I killed my best friend. I was driving the car when It crashed.”
“That wasn’t your fault,” She cut me off.
“Let me finish.” I sighed, “I lost a lot of things last summer. Megan I lost my best friend, my virginity...”
“Excuse me?” She cut me off again, “You lost what?” I rolled my eyes , but her look made me believe she was being serious.
“Don’t act like your all innocent in that department. So don’t look at me like that, Megan.” She shook her head.
“Darcy, its different for me thought. I’m nineteen years old, your only sixteen. Your my little sister, I should’ve been here for you, for you to talk to I mean. We will have this talk, and I expect to know every single detail about ever single thing that happened, starting with who. Anyways, continue your story.”
“Finally. Well we went to a party the night of the wreck, which I had been doing ever sense the day you left last year. I didn’t drink anything because Tori was already out of her mind. I caught her going into the back room with a couple guys, so I drug her out to the car and was taking her home. She sobered up quickly, thanked me for not letting her do anything, she told me she loved me, and then a car pulled out of no where. Ever since then, i’ve been trying to deal with it. I understand that she is gone, I understand that I was wrong for everything that I did that summer. The drinking, the sex, the crimes, and the tears. I wish it all away.” She sighed and nodded her head. “Megan, you know as well as anybody that Tori and I never used to be like that, but after you and Dad left, Mom didn’t care. Half the time I would get home around three in the morning, and she would be passed out on the couch, or she would still be out partying with her friends, or laying in a gutter, I never knew, and eventually I stopped caring. I promise you, Megan, that I will never do anything like that again. Please don’t be mad at me, I can’t risk losing you too.” I began to cry again.
“Hey, up here.” She lifted my chin and stared me in the eyes. “You are my little sister, I would never. I know I haven’t been the best sister in the world lately, but thats going to change right now. I packed your things before I came here, so all you got to do is just get in my car, and you can forget everything bad that has happened. You can start over.” I smiled.
“Okay, but I want to say something to her first.” Megan nodded and released me from her sisterly death grip. I hustled over to Tori’s grave and knelt down. “I never meant for any of this to happen, to either of us. I swear. I hate to say this to you, but goodbye, for now. I’ll come back, eventually. I need to figure things out, I need to be more like my sister.” I chuckled. “Tori, I think I’m going to stop talking to you, because it hurts.” I let everything flow, tears and all. “ I need to move on, and I know you want me to. Nobody will ever understand what it’s like to lose their best friend, that they’ve known since they were three, unless it happens to them. So, I’m going to go, and I’m going to live. Its unfair that you can’t and I apologize, but Tori White, I will always be thinking of you, and you will always be in my heart. I just can’t believe this is how things are ending. Now that I think about it, they’ve been ended for awhile.” I bit my lip. “Rest in peace.” I stood up and slowly walked away from her grave. When I reached my sister’s car, I looked back at Tori, her roses were surrounded by a fire, a bright pink fire that will always live in her heart. I knew then that she was looking over me. A best friends’ love will never end.