I can still remember it now, that awful day. It had been nice, it was sunny and myself and my beautiful 4 year old daughter Rosie were playing in the paddling pool, when all of a sudden she said mummy I don't feel well ouch my head it hurts mummy make it stop!' she started crying and shaking violently and blood poured from her nose she was having a fit, I picked her up and rang an ambulance which arrived almost instantly, she had been getting headaches for a while now but nothing like this, I knew headaches and nose bleeds and fits were a sign of cancer, but I was trying to convince myself it was just a bad migraine, as we get to the hospital horrible thoughts well up in my mind, what if she does have cancer? What if my gorgeous baby girl has cancer?! We are taken into a small room where he runs tests and scans on her, I'm then led into a waiting area, as I walk away I hear Rosie crying, shouting and struggling for me, it soon stops though, as I think the doctor probably put her under anaesthetic, soon after he brings Rosie out smiling with a lollipop and sticker, he tells me the tests he has run are for leukaemia (a cancer) and that he will get back to me as soon as he can with the results. I burst into tears, she can't have cancer i tell myself, she can't! 3 days later and the headaches have stopped as the doctor gave her some medicine for them, Its terrible weather and me and Rosie are sat inside doing a jigsaw when the house phone rings, I pick up I shake as It is the doctor on the other side,''well?'' I say, ''it's not good, I'm so sorry but Rosie, has leukaemia, we can give her treatment like chemotherapy but it's not sure she will make it, she's too young and her body isn't strong enough to fight off the cancerous disease, the chemotherapy will help, but she won't survive tHe replies, I slam the phone down and scream and cry, Rosie comes up to me and tugs at my arm 'mummy what's wrong? Mummy? Am I going to be okay mummy? I don't want to hurt anymore' hearing this makes me cry harder as I try to explain what is going on listen Rosie, your not well your very Ill, we are going to give you some special stuff to try and make you better, it won't work forever though and when the special stuff isn't good enough you are going to have to live with the angels, when your with the angels you'll be better no longer hurting I promise' tears stream down my face as her face crumples and a single tear escapes from her deep sea blue eye' I'm going to die aren't I mummy?' 'I don't know sweetheart hopefully not, this special stuff might work, I promise you I'll do everything I can to help you get better, I love you very much darling' I kiss her forehead and squeeze her hand. 'right it's nearly 8 o clock we'd better get you to bed''no! I'm not tired' 'fine then the tickle monsters coming out run!' I chase her around tickling her as she squeals in delight, after 5 minutes I say'come on now' she follows me up the stairs and clambers into bed, I tuck her in and give her a kiss, I turn the light off and exit the room, when I'm sat downstairs alone I cry and cry and cry, I just can't imagine life without her. The next day we go back to the hospital and he starts her treatment. 3 weeks later and she only has small patches of hair left, seeing her devastates me because I know she doesn't like it either, the doctor tells me that the chemotherapy isn't working and that they are going to stop it. He tells me that she only has around a month left to live. I tell Rosie and she smiles and says 'don't be upset mum, the angels will make me better' I smile at her positive approach, I mean this is alot for a four year old to take in. Rosie passed the following month and I miss her like hell she was buried with her favourite toy and her favourite little dress, I know I have to stay strong, but life without her is awful, I just want her back. I still think about Rosie everyday, and every other day I go to her grave and pray that she won't be Ill anymore, pray that shes okay, pray that she can see me and know I'm thinking of her, it's a cruel world we live in.
July 7, 2011