Commercial Wars

May 30, 2011
By Anonymous

“Jim Fiddle says that he will help America grow. But he voted eight times against the growing of bananas in Alaska! And, he has recently stated that he opposes developing a solution to make the sun grow bigger! Will Fiddle really help America grow? Don’t believe the lies. I’m Bob Cedar, and I approve this message.”

Tillie Link enters the kitchen just in time to catch this latest presidential campaign commercial. Holding her morning mug of Chocolate-Hazelnut Decaf in one perfectly manicured hand, she grabs “Fashionably Politics,” her daily newspaper, and plops down at the kitchen table. Tillie has been boasting to everyone who would listen, as she twirls her pin-straight bleach-blonde hair, about how she pays less attention to fashion and more attention to politicians these days, and how truly serious she is about this year’s elections. Her eyes are now focused on the headlines on the front page of “Fashionably Politics.”

“HOW FAR WILL BOB CEDAR GO FOR EDUCATION?” the headline reads. Tillie quickly scans the article – it said something boring and, in Tillie’s opinion, irrelevant to the candidacy, about schools and taxes – then concentrates on the large picture of the candidate standing next to children in a classroom. Gosh, Tillie thinks, why would I care about this tax-stuff? They need to focus on what’s important! As if her wish had been granted, another commercial airs on the television.
“Bob Cedar, or Bob Cheater? Did you know that he was caught cheating on his fourth grade spelling test? Did you know that he cheated in a chess tournament against his best buddy? Is America more valuable to him than his spelling test? Is America more important than his best friend? Is America ready for a cheater? I think not. I’m Jim Fiddle, and I approve this message.”
“Oh my goodness!” An outraged Tillie jumps out of her chair. “Bob Cheater, how could you do that? Why, what are you going to cheat out of me? Honestly, how could you cheat against your own friend? Well, you just lost my vote, Buddy!” When she is finish yelling at the television, Tillie deeply breathes in the warm Hazelnut aroma of her decaffeinated latte, and relaxes once more. Not for long, however, because now a new image of an orangey-tan young woman with streaky-looking highlights appears on the screen, accompanied by a high, overly-excited feminine voice.
“Salons everywhere are closing their doors on desperate customers. Why? Because Jim Fiddle argued against the donation of state funds to help them stay in business! He refuses to provide any bit of financial support to tanning salons, hair salons, OR nail salons! Ladies, together, we can stop this evil ugly-maker! Don’t vote for Jim Fiddle! Vote for the other guy!”
“Oh, no!” Tillie exclaims. “Now what will I do? Who will I vote for? I don’t want a cheater, but I need my salons! Oh, I hate decisions! Well, I suppose, they’ve left me with no other choice. I just won’t vote this year!”

The author's comments:
This piece was inspired by my Freshman English teacher, Mr. Brooks.

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