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Made to be Perfect
I stared across the vast array of the Pacific Ocean. The water going on and on forever, made it look like it never ended. This made me think of my life, never ending, without any direction. Waiting was the hardest part, waiting for it to be over. My life wasn’t precious to me, there’s no meaning, no life in me. I looked down at myself, feeling like a disappointment to God. My new $100 dress was sheer pink with ruffled lace that was skin tight against my skinny, yet curvy supermodel body. The wind fanned my golden blonde and brown loose curls in all different directions. People liked me though mostly because I stood out, had the ideal look, had money, and could do anything I ever wanted. The outside didn’t fit me though, compared to the inside. Taking a jump off the dock into the ocean and holding my breath till I couldn’t anymore, seemed like a good way to go. It would be an escape from my life, from someone that I didn’t want to be. I thought about all the times I got angry and how I was unhappy. This moment right now was happening because of someone.
Just before I came down to the dock, I had gotten into a huge fight with a recent ex that treated me badly, had cheated on me many times and basically didn’t care about me. He was trying to get back together with me over the phone, but I wouldn’t let him. He got so mad that I rejected him, so he started telling me that he was just using me to get rich and that he never had feelings for me the whole 6 months that we had dated. This got me really fired up with rage. So I took off and ran to the ocean, the only place where I knew I could get away. Here I was on the verge of taking a dive into the cold deep water. The bottomless ocean before me would feel relieving as my body would sink to the floor as I’d be holding my breath till I couldn’t anymore. This is what I need. I need to get away, to die. I closed my eyes getting ready to jump, when my cell phone rang. I jolted back, because of the loud ring tone. Why am I being interrupted? I thought. Is this a sign that it’s not my time to go yet? Aubrey was calling, and I knew I had to get ready for the Rave Club tonight. I decided to hold off jumping; waiting to think some more if I actually should do this.
I started walking up towards the beginning of the high up dock away from the water as I talked to Aubrey on my blackberry. I passed our new yacht and followed the path up to our beach house that was located close to the ocean. It looked like it came right out of a resort magazine. Fountains stood in front of the beach house making it look elegant and rich. I tried to smile, tried to put on my fake self as I walked back into reality to get ready for the club.
I put on my makeup and re curled my hair, staring into the mirror. I hated putting on this image of looking good, I just wanted to be normal and wear shorts and a t-shirt with my hair out of place, with no makeup on. But I had to look good for other people and be perfect for them because I had to hide my real self. Tonight with the girls was supposed to be exciting and all I kept thinking about was possibly overdosing on some pills. I looked down and saw that my parents left money for me on the dresser. They had probably gone out to eat or to a business party. They didn’t care what I did. It made me think if I actually did kill myself, would they care then?
Just then, my friends Jessica, Aubrey, and Erica walked in all done up and ready to go clubbing. Aubrey seemed like the leader of our group and everyone followed her and did whatever she said. Jessica was more of the pretty girl that didn’t have a lot of money but was just pretty enough to be in the group. Erica was the one that used to be a good girl, but would do anything to become popular and well known. Then there was me. They saw me as Raina, the girl that everyone stopped and stared at. There were beautiful girls around but people told me they were nothing like me. My warm soft skin tone and my dark midnight brown eyes made my dirty blonde hair stand out against me. I looked older though for only being seventeen. Money is what most people thought of when they heard my name. I wasn’t a big fan of all of this attention. People didn’t even know me and just wanted to be friends with me because of all this. Nobody knew that I was dying inside and didn’t want to be that girl. I wanted out, out of this clique, out of this family, out of this world.
Aubrey yelled up to me, “Let’s go already Raina, we have to get to the club now.”
“I’m hurrying, I just have to grab my heels, is the limo here yet?”
“Yes it’s waiting, like seriously let’s go,” Aubrey yelled as I ran down from the stairs.
We all ran out to the limo and got on our way to the club in downtown Los Angeles. As we arrived, I stared out at the lights that made me squint. Many people were fidgety as they were lining up waiting to get inside. Music boomed out as we walked in. Since we looked older and knew a lot of people, we got in easily even though we were all underage. The place was crowded with tons of people and I couldn’t hear anything. Drinks and alcohol infested the place making me drown into the party. My friends went to start dancing as I decided to do my own thing. I didn’t want to be here, I’d rather go watch a movie, or take a walk in the park but I knew I had to stay because I was their ride and they talked me into coming, so I made my way over to the VIP booth.
I heard my friends giggling after I walked away “She’s so boring, she never wants to do anything fun, all she’s good for is being pretty.” They all laughed as Aubrey said this. What followers, I thought.
The VIP booth was somewhat quiet, which was a relief. Everyone was living it up and having a good time. The thought of drugs and overdosing still stuck in my mind. This was another way for me to die. A guy sat next to me as I sank into these deep thoughts and secrets of mine.
The guy asked me, “Why aren’t you out there on the dance floor?”
“It’s not really my thing, I just came because my friends made me” I replied wearily.
His name was Peter and we continued conversing with each other. He asked me to get out of the club with him to take a walk. Since I was open to anything and didn’t care what type of guy he was, I went with him. We walked on the pavement through the city which was a bit chilly, and started talking more.
“So Peter tell me about yourself?” I asked as he walked close with me.
“Well I work a lot and save as much money as I can so I can go on trips and adventures.” He went on and on. “My plan is to travel and explore the world that God gave us. I’m not going to lie, I don’t make a lot of money but that’s why I’m happy.” Peter was very open to telling me all of this. He was real though, an actual genuine person.
I stuttered on after him, “It seems like you have a lot going for you.”
“Why don’t you tell me about yourself, Raina?”
“Umm I don’t think that’s a good idea. There’s not a whole lot about myself.” I thought about this as I said this, who really am I? Nothing was good about me.
“There has to be something about you,” He exclaimed while staring into my eyes.
“Well there is one thing, I guess. I love the ocean. I love the rush and feeling of escaping into the deep ocean. It helps me get away from my fast paced life.”
“That is nice to do. I want to see you again Raina. Will we see each other again?” He asked as he looked down at his watch. “I’m sorry I have to get back to the club to pick up my friend, I promised that I’d meet him back at twelve.”
I replied, “Yes we can see each other tomorrow.” We walked back to the club. He hugged me goodbye which made me feel a little excited. Peter was so cute and seemed so different then any other guy I had met. I got on my way back to my so called friends that were acting stuck up when I arrived. They were mad and I could tell they were talking about me. They loved drama and decided to hate on me tonight. This happened frequently and I just seemed to ignore it.
After that night, I started hanging out with Peter all the time. We got very close, quickly. I always met him places, not daring to show him where I lived and what my life was like. For the first time ever, I actually felt a little loved by someone. I felt that someone cared about me and didn’t just use me for things. It was so nice and Peter started showing me what life was. We would walk on the beach holding hands, feeling the breeze, taking the warm air in. The funny thing was that we never did anything where we had to pay money. We found happiness in little things. This was so priceless to me and I became open to knowing that having money isn’t always a good thing.
Today Peter and I sat on a bench close to the beach. The sun was already hiding behind the clouds and the water was becoming calm. I felt, once again, so close to him. He made me get all tingly and eccentric inside. Peter was uneasy about talking to me today and I didn’t know why.
Peter slowly talked, “Raina, this is really hard for me to tell you this...but I have to go back to North Carolina where my family lives. I have a steadier job there and I only came here for the adventure. My vacation is done with but I don’t know what’s going to happen between us now.” I gulped and became shaky as he went on. “I also wanted to tell you that I have strong feelings for you already, I love you Raina and I don’t want to lose you, but I think that it’s better if you stay here where your life is better.”
I started breathing heavier showing my angry side that I couldn’t control. At this very moment I wanted to disappear. He doesn’t want to be with me, I thought. Why wouldn’t he ask me to go with him? This life here is not good at all, I thought. I wish that I hadn’t met him. I wish he hadn’t met me. I felt so lost and needed to escape. So I ran, without saying anything to Peter. I ran so quickly so he couldn’t catch up to me. I saw him jump up off of the bench after me as I glanced back. I sank into the sand as I sprinted almost sinking into the ground. The ocean appeared before me. I halted a little bit but continued making my way into the bottomless ocean floor. The cold water felt relieving as I held my breath wanting to get away from all of this. I loved Peter already and I don’t think I could live without him. This is what I need. I need to get away, to die. My mind became fuzzy as I was almost at my last breath when Peter grabbed my body and carried me out of the ocean. Everything was a blur and I fell into unconscious thoughts.
I woke up in the hospital with Peter sitting beside me. He started explaining to me how scared he was and that I may have a problem.
“What kind of problem?” I asked in an unsure voice, not being totally aware of what happened or what was going on.
“It scares me that you wanted to kill yourself over me just talking about leaving you and it also scares me that your parents aren’t here with you right now. They came for 10 minutes and they didn’t show a lot of empathy and I just don’t get it. Why would you want to kill yourself? Do you feel loved Raina…by anyone?” Peter said concerned.
These last words haunted me and I started questioning myself. Do I feel loved? Has anyone ever showed this? Do I want to escape? I still felt loopy with a mixture of feelings.
“The truth is…I don’t want to be here. I live a life where I get everything I want but that’s not important to me. I’m not happy at all. My family doesn’t worry about me and I’ve always felt empty.” I started blurting out everything, and how I always had anger problems and felt neglected. Material things and money is what my parents always gave me and this wasn’t enough nor was it what I wanted. I know I had been suicidal for a long time as things never worked out for me. My friends weren’t my true friends and I knew this. Always using me for my expensive things and just being around me because I had money. I was worth a lot but to me, I wasn’t worth anything.
Peter looked down at me as I laid in bed and replied back, “I didn’t know this, why wouldn’t you tell anyone you felt this way? I want you to know that I’m here for you and I will stand by you. I know being on the verge of suicide doesn’t get better over night, but I think maybe a life away from here it the best idea, a life in North Carolina with me.”
I felt a rush of excitement as I smiled, my moods seemed all over the place but I went on telling him how I felt. “I didn’t get a chance to tell you this but I love you too and I’ve never felt this way. I feel loved even though we haven’t known each other long, I want to be with you, its just I have a lot of mixed emotions about myself and who I want to be.”
“The doctor talked to me about setting you up with a psychiatrist for the time being and I think that’s a good idea. We will talk to him about leaving with me and we’ll see if that’s a good idea.”
Later in the week, I ended up talking to a psychiatrist about my problem. He asked me a lot about my life and about my parents whom he told me I’d have to confront to about what I was going through. I was mostly trying to avoid my confrontation with my parents and wanted to just leave to go with Peter to North Carolina. But the psychiatrist insisted on making me talk to my parents about who I am and what I want. I knew that I wanted out of this family that didn’t care about me and I just wanted to be normal. I don’t know if they would let me though because there was one thing they cared about. They wanted me to take over there real estate business in the future and bring in more income for them. This was not my dream job or my dream life. I knew my opinion wouldn’t matter to them so I had to stand up to them, for myself.
As days past, I learned a lot about my problem. Suicide is a big deal and life can be great. I just have to make it happen. I told Peter today that he saved my life. I was on the verge of killing myself for a long time. Even though the incident happened, I felt a little stronger and learned a lot about it. My mind almost shifted after talking about the things in my life and I got to know myself better just by talking to people that could help me. I waited in the waiting room for my parents to come talk to me. I was so uneasy about this topic and I felt like I was about to be talking to people I never really knew.
My parents shuffled in. “Raina, what’s going on? This is crazy that they actually think your suicidal when your obviously not.” My mom asked with a sharp tone.
My dad looked a little disappointed as I saw him glare down and not speak a word to me.
“I have a problem, mom. I don’t want to live this life. I want to live a normal life and be with people that actually love me and want to be with me.”
“You don’t have a problem, you’re going to get your things and leave this place. You have the perfect life and you will follow in our footsteps under our rules. You have no choice in something different.” My mom was very strict and stern as she went on and on about her family and how she runs it.
I started crying. “Mom, dad, I don’t feel loved by you. You never gave me a chance to get to know me. You don’t know me, nothing at all about me. You’re always gone and you think money is going to make me happy? Well think again.” I went on unsteadily. “I’m running off with Peter, if you actually knew me, you would know who he is. I’m not being in this family anymore; I’m going to start living because I felt so suicidal for the longest time. Nobody means anything to me here.”
My parents got up and left being a bit shaken and uneasy about what I said to them. I think they felt like they were a letdown. I finally stood up to them though, after all this time. I wanted to live my own life and be who I wanted to be. I actually felt happy after this but felt a little disappointed also that I sprung all this on my parents all at once. Could I ever let them back into my life? Would they finally show that they care about me or do they care? Questions swarmed through my head. I had to keep thinking straight though and not go back into my bottomless thoughts that were slowly fading.
Peter and I decided to leave soon as the psychiatrist told us that this would be a good idea to get away and to start over. He reminded me though to realize that suicide reappears and it doesn’t just go away. I was set up with anti-depressants and a psychiatrist in North Carolina. I felt though that I was ready to leave, to get away and it felt right.
The plane was set to leave at 4 pm and it was already 1. For some reason I felt I had to say goodbye to the ocean, my home, maybe a goodbye to my parents. But I wasn’t sure if this was a good idea. If I went to say goodbye to them they would just yell and forbid me to leave for their future. Peter told me I should at least say a farewell to friends and family. My friends didn’t even come to visit while I was in the hospital. They weren’t true friends. They knew I was here and hurt and most likely didn’t want to hang out with someone that they thought was psycho.
My parents did give me life though and I felt I was starting to live it. At the last minute I began my journey back into my old life and into my home where my parents were. My mom heard me as I came in through the glass door and into our huge foyer.
“I came to get last minute things before I leave,” I explained even though I was not only there for that. “I’m leaving to live a life with Peter.”
My dad walked into the foyer and started unexpectedly talking, “Raina you are my daughter and I remember the day you were born. It was a beautiful summer day and the rain was soft and exciting as it ran down the windows out of the hospital. I named you Raina because the rain was so exhilarating that day and striking just like you are to me.” He went on smiling as I listened not ever hearing this story. “I want you to do what you want. Live the life you desire and we do love you. I’m, sorry it had to be this way but my mother and I have come to a conclusion that we will stand by you in every direction that you take.”
My dad leaned in towards me and gave me the biggest hug I ever had. This was the best feeling in the world. This moment was what I longed for my whole life. We went on talking and getting to know each other. I talked about Peter a lot and how my life was going to be exciting with him. I left that day throwing all of my old thoughts in the trash can. Leaving behind my old life, and starting a new one.