Internet Dating Doesn't Work

By , Coquitlam, Canada
Pictures don’t justify her beauty. The few photos on her OKCupid profile were grainy, taken with a cheap webcam. Something about her emerald eyes seem to pierce into you, but her charming smile puts you at ease, irresistibly luring you in. Long locks of crimson hair are tied into a bun, and her attire is simple; practical, but still stylish.

She beams when she spots you. She isn’t sure if you see her yet, so she waves, violently swinging both arms above her head. You nervously walk up to her, not sure what to say in this situation. Staring at the ground, you introduce yourself, and somehow manage to stutter and mumble at the same time. Luckily she doesn’t mind and seems very happy to meet you. She says she’s met a few guys online before, so this wasn’t a new experience for her. She tries to make a joke to relieve your tension, but you’re so nervous that you don’t pick up on it at first. After an awkward silence, you nervously chuckle (but you only understand the joke after googling it many hours after the date), and try to find a different topic of discussion.

You go to a nearby restaurant together that she knows of, and sit at a booth. She orders up some food, and you start talking about anime, video games, and internet culture. She turns out to be very knowledgeable about all of this stuff, so she understands all your lame jokes that no normal person would understand. She laughs even at the worst jokes.

The food arrives, and she digs in right away, voraciously going at the mound of spaghetti on her plate. However, even though your meal is delicious, you don’t have much of an appetite and you just pick at your food. You two start talking about music, and she just happens to listen to your favorite Swedish super experimental death metal group. After a heated discussion on whether they sold out on their last album or not, you two decide to leave, and ask for the check. Despite that she wants to pay for her own meal, you insist that you’ll take care of the bill. After arguing for about 3 minutes, she gives in and lets you take the bill. You believe the waiter was judging you on your appearance, so you don’t give a very good tip. As you get up from your booth, a table in the restaurant starts singing “Happy Birthday,” so she chimes in at the second line, demonstrating a beautiful singing voice. You try and join in for the last line, and your voice cracks halfway through.

Outside the restaurant, she stops to talk to you, and says that she had a wonderful time. She gives you her number, and says to text her whenever you think of funny jokes like the ones you told her today. Before she leaves, she tells you that you are a very charming guy, and she’s happy to have made you as a friend. She gives you a quick hug, and leaves.

A few seconds later, what she said seems to register in your mind. She called you a “friend.” Not boyfriend, but “friend.” You realize that you have no hope of going out with her, and that you are firmly entrenched within the friendzone. Well, what do you do now? You’ve met the girl of your dreams, and you believe that you just didn’t make a good enough first impression on her. Maybe it’s not you, it’s her. Maybe there’s another girl like her somewhere that will see you in a romantic light. So you go home, fire up your $2000 computer, and cross your fingers as you browse once again for the girl of your dreams.





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can_you_keep_a_secret said...
Jun. 15, 2011 at 7:51 pm
This was GREAT. Honestly, i was amazed at how well it was put together. There was no hesitation at all(: Five stars. Because that was just like... Amazing.
 
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