Am I going insane I asked myself every time this happens? My hot flesh press to the freezing marble flooring. I took in huge slow breaths. I let out a breath, my hair laid on my slightly hunch back and fell slightly in my face. My hair sent tingles through my numb body. The only sound was the constant ticking of grandfather clock. I close my eyes. My feet suddenly became wet and sticky. I was standing at the front door. Blood spill over the floor spreading thin. No! No! Stop! My mind fast forward my terrifying memories. Emily hung with slashes that left slits all over her arms and hands. Her hair wet and curly. Her robe was slipping off. The smell of the salt in the blood drown my brain. No! I open my eyes. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. My hands grip tightly to my hair. I kick my feet hard. I took in big glopping breath. I shook my head rapidly. I close my eyes again. Someone grab my shoulders and pulled me down. I started to scream louder, kicking, and swing. That night! Their images flash in my head. They cover my mouth trying to block my screams and tied me up. Am I going insane? That night when she died, the night I saw everything that we own get taken away. I open my eyes, I was alone. No one there touching me or holding me. I move my numb body to the wall. I smother my head into my arms. I cry out in pain unable to breath. Why do they leave me alone after what happen? I tried to get the sickening images out of my mind. I tried to imagine her smile and her laugh that could brighten the whole day. Am I going insane? Her room left the same as if her very soul has disappear and will never return. Sometimes I can imagine her sitting on her bed listening to music, than randomly jumping up and start dancing like a crazy person. How she and I would talk for hours eating ramen and drinking Dr. Pepper. How crazy she was for Hello Kitty. Every time I seen one I would buy it and see her damp face, from sweat, light up after band practice as I hand her the gift. How she laugh at my most stupidest jokes ever. The dark space still suffocates me. I can’t sleep with the lights off. No! the dark reminds me of the night and how dark it must be where she is buried. I cried harder. Why couldn’t I save her when she was losing it? All I had to say don’t worry forget them. I didn’t see her losing her it, I hated to see the sadness in her eyes and face. She stilled laugh and cried from laughter from my stupidest, but I could have had been there for her. I was selfish when I was there, only thinking of myself. How I hated her sadden face. I try to please myself instead of pleasing her, How she is a place where I can’t hold her when she weeps. A place I can’t reach………Am I insane?...... Emily oh you only hold that answer for me……..
Am I Going Insane?
May 14, 2011