This is Real

May 16, 2011
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It’s everywhere.

I can’t see anything around me and all I feel is unbearable heat. It consumes my whole existence. Do I still even exist? Or has being sent here caused me to vanish into a world of torture and pain and suffering? The only light I can see is the bright, large blaze off in the distance. I know that whenever my guards see fit, they will drag me and throw me in to burn along with my fellow captives. Despite being able to hear their screams, cries of pain, and shouts for help, I know that we are completely and utterly…alone.

There is no help. There is no light. There is no savior. There once was, but He dwells in His kingdom, a place I have been denied entry. I once believed, but then I turned away. I left my whole life behind for a guy who I thought loved me, but instead beat me for two years until my death. I went to church. I knew about this place. I knew that turning away could come to this. But I thought I had time, time to try to save my soul again if the opportunity ever came up.
I was wrong.
Oh, the opportunity presented itself, but I didn’t listen. I was clouded in the haze of love…or so I thought. I really felt like he loved me. I felt that he would never intentionally hurt me.
Again, I was wrong.
The first time, he blamed it on his dad passing.
The second time, it was because he was drunk.
The third time, he was just angry.
Every time, thereafter, I had pissed him off.
It wasn’t so bad at first. After he had finished, he cried and apologized and said that he loved me and how he would never hurt me again. He lied. He continued to beat me and beat me until there was no more to beat. And after that, he beat me more.
People came to me, begging me to come back to church. That God could deliver me from this life. That God would give justice to this man who hit women. That God would rebuild my spirit and cherish me as his own. That if I didn’t go back to God, I would most certainly burn here.
They were right, but I didn’t listen.
I thought I had time, time to repent, time to accept, time to live. I didn’t think that my life would be cut short at the young age of 21. I didn’t think that I wouldn’t ever see the light of day or feel the comfort of a family ever again. I didn’t think I would end up here.
But here I am, burning even though the fire has yet to touch me. There is something vicious growing inside of me, eating away at my insides and I cannot get to it. I long for the sweat that I used to dread. I long for the fan that used to cool me. I long for just a drop of water.
All I get is a scorching hot metal cell, surrounded by the most evil creatures, awaiting my turn to burn in the lake of fire.
This is Hell.
This is real.

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