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It was impossible to look but not touch, to not be able to get something out of what was right in front of her.
Allison craved for a hit of the weed laying in the plastic bag on the table across the room. She could practically smell the stuff, even though she knew that was not possible. God, this is making me insane!
Just take a small hit, Allison, a voice called out in her head, its voice like velvet. It'll calm down all your nerves.
Trapped, that's how she felt right now, just like a damned bird in a cage. No air to breathe, no room to think. Nothing to smoke.
Except that tiny, little bag.
Her eyes narrowed on the marijuana leaves and suddenly that was the only thing in the world. Allison forgot the reason she was resisting the high she knew she would feel in the end, her mind focusing only on the table. The blessed pile.
Shakily, she stood up off the cot she had been huddled on and felt her whole body tremble with the need for that hit. Her daughter's innocent blue eyes and sweet smile filled her vision, unbidden by her. What am I doing? Sobs choked her and a lump filled her throat as she sank to her knees. Is this what I want my daughter to remember me by? That her mother was a hardcore addict who couldn't survive without getting high?
Allison's sea green eyes were red-rimmed and her body refused to stop trembling even for a second. Her body needed that weed even though her mind was trying to reject the idea. Her eyes seemed to drift over to the pile on the table although her heart was reminding her of Cassie, her two year old girl. I gotta get clean for her!
That's stupid! The velvety voice whispered in her head. Taking this hit won't change anything. You're still you. But once you let go, what do you have left?
Allison froze, looking around. If she stopped taking the drugs, stopped getting high, what would happen? I have no life besides the one I lead. No friends, no family.
Helpless, she tried to lick her cracked lips but found that she had cotton mouth. Her eyes felt bloodshot, but as she focused on the highlight of her life, she grew so agitated that her eyes began to twitch. Subtly at first, but then it got more insistent, more noticeable.
"I can't do this!" Allison shouted at the stark white walls. Crying out of frustration, she slammed her fist into one of the immaculate walls, breaking through the surface to create a hole in the drywall.
Pain filtered to her brain and she relished in it as the drug frenzy subsided for a while. She knew her hand was broken by the bolts of pain shooting up her arm every time she attempted to move her fingers.
The voice in her head was thankfully quiet and she sank down against the wall, drawing her knees up to her chin.
She was worn out, and as she let her head fall back against the wall, her mind turned numb.
Allison sat there for what seemed like hours, everything around her still. Then that horrid voice spoke into her ear again.
Don't do this to yourself, it said, a harshness in its voice that had not been there before. All you're doing is hurting yourself when you could be having a hell of a time smoking that stuff. Just DO it already!
Her head lolled to the right and her reflection caught the mirror across the room. Her heart almost stopped. Who was that? Was that really me?
Her face had a yellowish cast to it and her eyes were indeed bloodshot, and disturbingly blank. Is this what Cassie sees everyday? Her former luscious brown hair now lay limply against her skull, and since she had stopped taking care of herself, the zits on her face were clear on her dull face. She was toothpick skinny, her eyes sunk into their sockets and her lips cracked from lack of moisture.
I'm a monster. Tears leaked down her cheeks as she watched her reflection, wondering how her daughter could possibly put up with her. This is what drugs do to me.
She'll never leave you, Allison. She will always be there, just like the weed. So stop rebelling and go for it.
"No, no, STOP IT!" She shrieked, turning against that wicked voice. "I will not let you ruin my life! I'm going to give my daughter a better life! You will no longer control me!" She was speaking to the marijuana now, shaking violently. "DO YOU HEAR ME?! No longer!" And with that, she stood up and walked over to the table, grabbing the baggie and flushing it down the toilet without a second thought.