Going Back

May 20, 2011
By Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 578 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."


The rain dripped fondly on the sheen glass of the windowpane. She sighed deeply in affection while staring at blurred nothingness. The view had never been more beautiful as it was with a layer of rain to look out from.


It represented everything she felt, a thunderstorm of waning love keeping her away from the bleak reality of life beyond. There was only a noiseless peace, a wonderful lack of distractions. It was her. It was the dream.


It was as if she were in some game of hide and seek, and her turn as Hider had not yet ended.


For as long as she could, she would stay hidden.


A blanket of shivers settled along the back of her neck and the deep end of her stomach while she caressed her imagination with a sense of yearning. When life let her see the world through a new lens, she could do nothing but take the new, accept the new, adapt to the new, and live the new.


While she still could.



Youth would fade over time. She hurriedly sucked in the memory of the moment and kept it under lock and key in the core of her mind. Never could she forget.


Solitude was comforting in its silence. She sometimes found she resented the mangled and dramatic businesses that came in one package when entering teenhood. Confusion and frustration, then, overwhelmed and toppled the sanest of people when accompanied by complaints from friends, unforeseen arguments, exhausting distress and awful family situations.


Sometimes, it did her good to get away, just for a little while.


Eventually, she knew, the rain would stop pouring and reveal what truly lay beyond the horizon, probably something nasty, something she would fail to handle, something that would be the final straw.


She took a staggering breath when realization coldly blew in her face, and she asked herself the dire question: Did she really want to go back?


It was probably a century later, but the tears finally began to flow, dripping in slow, staccato beats onto the wooden floor, forever to leave their mark of her sadness.


There was nothing left in her world.


In her isolation, there was really no need to care about life. If she went into the abandoned room beneath her, and if she opened the drawer she knew would hold the precious glinting knives, she could end it. She could end the sorrow, end the pain, end the fantasies.


Because what she wished for was a bag full of happy endings, and, with her parents gone, there was no more chance to get it.


So she would go ahead with the plan. She would grab the knife and plunge, as she had so often seen herself done in her dreams. She hurried to the stairs and took a step.


And then there was a creak. Oh, sweet distraction, so small and insignificant, yet it gave her a lucid moment to snap out of her trance. There was no telling who, or what, could have joined her in the peak of her decision. Then again, it didn’t really matter.


An image of her three younger brothers, all smiling up to her, looking up to her for guidance, only longing for a helping hand to bring them past their confusion, emerged uninvited. How cruelly death could act, tearing apart happiness, giving the weak a reason not to live.


She wrapped a hand around her neck in sudden fright, realizing how close she had been, how death had almost flicked its tongue at her, a slithering and silent creature.


Yet it all would have been her; she would have given herself over.


Was that really the way to go? To take her own life, and leave the rest behind in a blind decision?


For she was blind. There was no clear path she could follow, nobody to reach out and hold her hand while she trudged helplessly along that road of life to finally get to…


A flower bloomed in whole and she tentatively touched it in her mind, unconscious that doing so suddenly gave her hope to keep going, to never stop moving until she reached a wall.


Here, she had reached the smallest of hills, created because her parents’ bodies, buried unevenly in the earth, stood frighteningly in the way. She could leave their lives behind, but keep their memories. It was all there was to it.


To simply… persevere. That fork she would reach down the road would come in time, and she would face it head on, strong in her being.


She took the final steps to reach the main floor of the cabin and headed in a different direction than the room that had held her thoughts for days. She opened the front door as the downpour turned to a drizzle, lightly spilling drops onto the green filled ground.


How… beautiful… it all seemed, even in the last minutes of the day. She frowned as she stepped out into the mess, her conflicting feelings still at war.


The sun was not to appear again that day. She watched the sky for several seconds, willing any form of light to lead the way. There was nothing.


She put her hands in her pockets and shivered in the night, starting home. A clot formed in her throat, a sign for the wrong choice. Indecisiveness barred her way, caught her in her tracks until she was shaking with grief.


Up ahead, calls wafted their way to her ears. She heard them, but did not listen while her face became a mask of tears once more. That she would keep convincing herself her choices were wrong… She loathed herself for it.


“Where are you!”


The shout jolted her and she fell in the wet mud, sniffing.


A twig broke somewhere to her left. Footsteps padded the forest greens. Wind made the voices clearer, until it seemed they were on top of her. And always, they asked, “Where are you?”


It took a great push, but she put her hands firmly on the ground, not caring that the dirt stained her palms so nastily. With a staggering breath, she stood and wiped the remaining tears from her face.


It was as if she was trapped in some game of hide and seek, and she had just taken on the role of Seeker.


For as long as she needed, she would keep on looking.


Three voices called vehemently to her, and each voice struck her so forcefully, so passionately, that now it was hard to respond, hard to ignore. For now, she nodded to herself; for now, she had to try.


“I’m here!”


The author's comments:
I don't know how I got from watching the rain fall silently on my bus window to this story, but I'm kind of glad it was raining when I wrote this, or else it never would have been created.

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This article has 34 comments.


on Jul. 30 2011 at 3:56 pm
sweetly_broken GOLD, Garner, North Carolina
15 articles 0 photos 158 comments

Favorite Quote:
We never know how big we are until we are asked to rise.

Wow, I really love this! At first the vagueness kind of confused me but I love how it details her emotional battle using such great language and imagery. I can definitely relate to this marvelous piece! :)

on Jul. 7 2011 at 10:30 am
Leena7395 SILVER, Spring Grove, Illinois
8 articles 0 photos 80 comments

Favorite Quote:
Be who you are because those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

this is great! i think its creative how most of it is in her head!

on Jul. 6 2011 at 10:08 pm
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 578 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."

Well thanks! That means a lot :)

on Jul. 6 2011 at 10:07 pm
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 578 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."

Thanks! Yeah, I think I get where everyone's coming from with the confusion. But thanks anyway. :)

on Jul. 5 2011 at 2:44 pm
BrightBurningCampeador PLATINUM, Portland, Oregon
42 articles 11 photos 333 comments
I really like this story. I liked it the moment I read the first paragraph. I like how almost the whole thing is in her head. I love it.

on Jul. 5 2011 at 12:01 pm
AndRachelLovesyou SILVER, Stone Mountain, Georgia
5 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.
-Winnie The Pooh

I really loved the way you wrote, it kind of flowed. Almost like poetry in the way that it seemed every word had meaning. But in poetry sometimes the meaning isn't very clear. It was the same in your story. That can be a positive or a negative depending on how you meant it. I did get a little confused at times, but then I re-read it and I was a little less confused. I really liked the thread of hid and seek a flowed throughout. You could make it a little more clear. But overall I liked it

on Jul. 2 2011 at 6:50 pm
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 578 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."

Okay, I'll think about doing that. Thanks! :)

on Jul. 2 2011 at 11:58 am
TheSilverLaurel GOLD, Goole, Other
13 articles 0 photos 70 comments
I like the way you kept the link to hide and seek, but it could have mentioned a couple more times to make the link stronger. Great descriptions, great story, keep it up! :)

on Jul. 2 2011 at 9:44 am
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 578 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."

Thanks you! I'm glad you thought that! :)

on Jul. 1 2011 at 9:59 pm
BorderlineGenius777 SILVER, Lewiston, Idaho
7 articles 0 photos 80 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If all our misfortunes were laid in one common heap, whence everyone must take an equal portion, most would be content to take their own and depart."- Socrates

wonderful, wonderful. while i read, you painted a picture with the words. you are good at details. five stars!

on Jun. 13 2011 at 5:54 pm
AvengedJasonfoldForever BRONZE, Middletown, Delaware
3 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You are about to die. Scream if you Must." -Fire Emblem character

yup yup no problem

on Jun. 13 2011 at 5:38 pm
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 578 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."

You have a point and I really appreciate the feedback. Thanks for taking the time to go into such detail on this. I'm definitely going to work on using less adverbs then. Thanks again! :)

on Jun. 12 2011 at 8:05 pm
AvengedJasonfoldForever BRONZE, Middletown, Delaware
3 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
"You are about to die. Scream if you Must." -Fire Emblem character

J7X feedback--you asked for it!

I'm usually not a big fan of using the third person to describe personal feelings and journeys. If you're familiar with "Unforgiven" by Metallica or "Remember the Name" by Fort Minor, those are two popular songs that I think are decent examples of how it can be done, but generally I don't like that style. I think it takes away your voice, but you can paint a self-portrait so to speak.

Maybe I just prefer voice for this kind of thing. Other readers were confused but I could follow it and I thought it was cool how you structured it, and the symbolism was cool, but there's still a lot of room for you to master those techniques.

One thing to consider is your use of adverbs--you have a lot of them. That's not good. Try to replace as many adverbs with strong verbs: for example: "dripped fondly on the..." could insted be "drizzled." drizzled has a connotation that is similar to "dripped fondly"

Likewise "sprinted" has a similar connotation to "ran quickly"

I can't really say how good or bad this is because i'm not a fan of the style and I think to do the style well, you have to be incredibly amazingly good at writing. Usually I've see good examples in poetry, but for prose it's like incredibly hard to master. I know I've seen it somewhere but I can't remember from where haha


on Jun. 7 2011 at 9:11 pm
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 578 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."

An editor... not really, but I guess I have a lot of practice with my sisters. :)

on Jun. 7 2011 at 8:56 pm
DaughteroftheTrumpet BRONZE, East Aurora, New York
2 articles 2 photos 214 comments

Favorite Quote:
Washington Irving once said “There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love.”

yup yup, and have you considered being an editor? you seem to have a pssion flowing along those lines:)

 


on Jun. 7 2011 at 8:41 pm
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 578 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."

Don't worry about being confused. Looking back on it, I agree a little. But thanks! :)

on Jun. 7 2011 at 8:30 pm
DaughteroftheTrumpet BRONZE, East Aurora, New York
2 articles 2 photos 214 comments

Favorite Quote:
Washington Irving once said “There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love.”

wow! i have to admit that i was a bit confused, but i also don't want you to be discouraged. you did an excellent job when it comes to thoughts and decriptions, and it really drags the reader in and they are able to envision that perfectly:) great job:)

on Jun. 3 2011 at 10:06 pm
Garnet77 PLATINUM, Sinagpore, Other
31 articles 6 photos 578 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Everything's a triangle." ~ My mother

"Write what you love, write what you care about, because sometimes, it's the easiest way to be heard."

It's fine! Yes, I've heard it can be quite confusing. I'll try to make it clearer. :) Thanks for the feedback!

SJ_101 said...
on Jun. 3 2011 at 4:20 pm
SJ_101, Somewhere, New York
0 articles 0 photos 170 comments
BTW, I apologize for the late response. I hope you don't mind. :)

SJ_101 said...
on Jun. 3 2011 at 4:20 pm
SJ_101, Somewhere, New York
0 articles 0 photos 170 comments
Wow. I can tell that you wrote this with passion, which is a good thing. However, I felt a little confused at times. In fact, it took me quite a while to understand it. LOL, it may just be me! Please don't get disheartened; this was truly a magnificant piece. In the end, I did understand. :) Good work!


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