The Price of Silence

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The man sat in front of the TV, the dim glow bouncing off the cold beer he was sipping. It had been a long day at work, and all he really wanted was a few hours to himself. He stretched his neck, kneading at the knots buried deep.

“Daddy?” A meek voice came from a tiny pajama-clad figure next to the TV’s bluish aura.

No response. A pounding pressure throbbed in the back of his skull.

“Daddy?” The pajama-clad figure was a bit louder now. He positioned himself in front of his father, his miniature hands placed defiantly on his miniature hips.

No response. A searing pain replaced the dull throbs, and the man gritted his teeth.

“Daddy, I think you hurt Mommy’s feelings. She won’t stop crying.” His father waved him away, an unfocused light in his eyes.

No response.

“Look at me!” The pajama-clad figure was blocking the gleam of the TV, his voice a high, reedy whine.

“Get out of the way, brat,” he growled, pushing his son to the ground.

A tear slipped down the pajama-clad figure’s cheek.

And then silence. Finally.

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This article has 22 comments. Post your own now!

WSwilliams said...
Jul. 17, 2012 at 4:27 pm
You showed, and didn't tell. Good job! You kept your word count down. Great! However, it would probably please others if you could show more action of the father towards his son. what was he thinking at the time? What is themotive behind the silence?
ritabelle511 replied...
Jul. 24, 2012 at 9:18 pm
Thank you for reading and commenting! I actually wrote this for a creative writing class, and the assignment was that the pieces were supposed to be rather brief and descriptive, otherwise I would have expanded and added more detail.  Thanks again!
ohmakemeover This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jul. 27, 2011 at 11:59 pm
This made me really sad, the tone was so forlorn and distant.  I like how you used the father's point of view instead of the son's, it really shifts how I react to the story.
ritabelle511 replied...
Jul. 29, 2011 at 11:23 am
Thank you very much, I'm glad you liked it!
Medina D. said...
Jul. 18, 2011 at 11:36 am

This story seemed to be one of those still moments, that leaves a sour taste in your mouth. i was hanging on to every word.

The story wasnt too emotional, yet in me it provoked emotion (if that makes sense :P )

ritabelle511 replied...
Jul. 26, 2011 at 9:56 pm
It does make sense! Thanks very much!
Eno-Bladz said...
Jun. 29, 2011 at 11:59 am
i love how you said little yet the story i don't know how to say it to me it explained a lot. it played like a mini movie in my head to it was wonderful.
ritabelle511 replied...
Jul. 1, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Thanks very much! I'm glad you enjoyed it!


CarrieAnn13 said...
Jun. 22, 2011 at 7:35 pm
This was excellent flash fiction!  There weren't too many descriptions, but there were enough so I knew what was going on.  Good job!
ritabelle511 replied...
Jun. 23, 2011 at 1:54 pm
THank you for reading and commenting! :)
JustAnotherOwl replied...
Jun. 28, 2011 at 7:18 pm
That was spectacular! I love how you say so little, but it is SO good and explains a lot.
ritabelle511 replied...
Jul. 7, 2011 at 2:16 pm
Thanks, JustAnotherOwl! Your comments are always so nice :)
WritingSpasms said...
Jun. 16, 2011 at 8:54 pm
I love how you wrote so little and yet you were able to make the piece feel like a mini-movie. This was really good. Keep on writing :)
ritabelle511 replied...
Jun. 23, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Haha, I like that - a mini-movie! :) Thanks!
Garnet77 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Jun. 16, 2011 at 6:21 pm
I actually really like this. You were to the point, not overly descriptive, yet the mood for the story was perfectly done. Great work! :)
ritabelle511 replied...
Jun. 23, 2011 at 1:53 pm
Thanks! :)
youngpilot said...
Jun. 16, 2011 at 4:01 pm
i have to admit that flash fiction is definatly ur thing:) sweet, short and simple:) nice:)
ritabelle511 replied...
Jun. 23, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Thank you! :)
JoPepper said...
Jun. 16, 2011 at 11:43 am
That was really good!  Was he a drunk?  Good job!!!
ritabelle511 replied...
Jun. 23, 2011 at 1:52 pm
Thank you! :)
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