Magazine, website & books written by teens since 1989

Behind that Smile

I was crying last night. Could you tell? I doubt it. My room was pitch black and we were on the phone, so you wouldn't have seen either way. I breathed through my mouth and spoke slowly, so you wouldn't hear my sniffles or the slight shake in my voice.

I was ashamed that I was crying. Especially since I knew you weren't.

I wish I was like you. I want to hide my sadness the way make-up hides my flaws. I want to block out my pain the way sunglasses block out the sun. I want to brush off my problems like dandruff sitting on my shoulder.

I wish I had a mask. One that smiles for me when the effort is just too much. One that evaporates my tears before they stream down my face and auto-tunes my voice when it's in danger of cracking. One that I'm sure I won't find at Party City.

I wish I had an ice-maker. I want to build an ice fort around my heart. I want it to freeze the emotions that make me weak. To numb the ache that will never go away. To protect myself from future pain—future weakness.

And if all scars were visible, then I'd wish for a leather jacket. One that makes me look tough as I wish I was. With sleeves so tight that they are impossible to push back up my arms. I'd run a thread through the teeth and zip it up to my neck so no one will ever see what lies beneath. Because once that's exposed, so am I.




Join the Discussion


This article has 4 comments. Post your own!

Aderes18This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 29, 2011 at 9:25 am:

I can so totally relate to this!! 

I love this piece. It's beautiful!!:) 

I was trying to write something like this but I just couldn't find the words. 

 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
SuNshiNe007This teenager is a 'regular' and has contributed a lot of work, comments and/or forum posts, and has received many votes and high ratings over a long period of time. said...
May 10, 2011 at 10:55 am:
Hey I like this. You did an amazing job in the way you used your words too. Your like me in a way, I keep things locked up to, that's how I have so many writings..Keep up the amazing work;)
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
meilindusk423 said...
May 9, 2011 at 5:59 pm:

Only when the lies are laid bare and the mask stripped off, can the heart truly heal. It's human instinct to shield away from pain and anything with the potential to hurt but only by enduring such pain, can one truly become stronger than before and stand up taller with one's head held high.

I guess I'm trying to say I can empathize? People will ask you what's wrong and you reply that you're tired when you really cried yourself to sleep last night. You smile when deep down, you want to ... (more »)

 
Jsweetness replied...
May 10, 2011 at 7:39 am :
i'm the kind of person who holds things in. and when i can't, i write.  i actually wrote this right after a really long venting conversation with my friend one night. things are getting better now but they weren't so hot when i wrote this. i didn't think my feelings translated into this so strongly but thx for sympathizing=). my friend has actually been telling me what you just said now, you just explained it better.
 
Reply to this comment Post a new comment
 
Site Feedback