Hate to Feel

April 23, 2011
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I wish I could stick thumb tacks in my eyes. I’m so lonely I don’t have the desire to see through them anymore. As the subway doors closed it was like the doors of opportunity closing permanently in my life. The realization hit me that I’m meant to be alone. Everyone on the subway stared at me with hostile eyes. When I walked into the subway station today and sat my suitcase down, as soon as I walked away from it a police officer verbally assaulted me, assuming I had a bomb in it. I hate this country. My mind didn’t dwell on it for long though; racism is something I’m forced to cope with every day here. What was really hurting me was knowing how much I need to find a woman, someone to save me from this unbearable pain I’m going through. I’m thinking back to a night on the beach, the night I hesitated.

I can see that night very clearly, looking out over the ocean at a gorgeous sunset. I could feel the sand lightly graze the bottoms of my bare feet as I walked down the beach. The warm gentle breeze in the air felt so delightful against my face. How could I ever forget the sounds of the waves breaking, the children playing with their families, and the seagulls flying over head? Everything in the whole world seemed to be at rest. At that moment I could feel all time stop. That’s when I saw her. Her profound golden blonde hair glowed so elegantly beneath the clouds and sunset. The way she moved, her walk, attested that she was both exceedingly glamorous and graceful. Her astounding blue eyes glimmered as her delicate lips assembled a smile. I sheepishly smiled back. How I wish I could have stood there all day, just getting lost in her ecstatic smile. Something about her drew me in, and although she was beautiful, it wasn’t her looks. It was the way she carried herself with such an inviting and friendly energy that I knew I wanted to say hi. But I didn’t, I simply kept walking, too shy to introduce myself. Being from India, people see the color of my skin and assume I must be a terrorist. Besides, what would I have said to her? I barely spoke any English at that time. I was crushed on the inside. Nobody understands me.

Now I sit here, writing in my journal on the subway. At the last stop, a tall and slender angelic woman got on and sat down right across from me. The allure she possessed had been so striking that I could feel myself blush just picturing her. As soon as she got on I could feel my heart start to beat faster and faster and faster until it felt like it was pounding out of my chest. A ball of nervous energy began to form in my chest which began to spread out all over my body. I decided to go for it, to say hi. With the courage of a lion I looked up and gave her my very brightest smile. She immediately looked away, refusing to even make eye contact with me.
When she got off, the doors of the subway closing behind her seemed to symbolize the doors of all opportunity closing in my life. Frustrated, lonely, and depressed I began to accept that this was all life was going to be for me in America. If only people could look into my heart, and see the kind of person I really am, maybe they would choose to give me a chance, and realize that I’m a lot like them.

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This article has 4 comments. Post your own now!

Liza S. said...
May 5, 2011 at 4:31 pm
Like the poster above me said, excellent work! I'm really enjoying reading your work. Keep it up! You definately have a future in writing. Five stars from me
redbull706 replied...
May 6, 2011 at 11:14 pm
thanks! I really appreciate all the feedback :)
PJD17 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Apr. 29, 2011 at 8:37 pm
Excellent work i really enjoyed this story  great job   could you please check out and commetn on my story Numb  i really appreciate the feedback
redbull706 replied...
May 5, 2011 at 2:04 pm
I sure will, thanks for the feedback, I'm glad you enjoyed my story.
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