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For The Ladies

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Another boring night in the apartment alone. No parties going on here. The coffee table is spotless, the couch is stain free, and the carpet is neatly vacuumed. The paintings are all straight, the lampshades are all tightly clamped to the bulbs, and the kegs are nonexistent. You might blame the cleanliness on the maid, but she rarely comes in to see the place trashed. The owner of the house is sitting on the overly clean couch waiting for anything to happen. He forgot to shave this morning. His graying hair is doing handstands and back flips on his head. His stomach is looking out from under his shirt, trying to get a peek at the world. All it would see is the apartment of a lonely bachelor.

The phone starts to ring. He checks the caller ID and sees its his friend Mitch is calling. He answers the phone and says with as much excitement as he can muster: “Hey Mitchie, hows it going?”
“Heyyy James, pretty good man. I’ve been hanging in some sweet clubs bro. The ladies are going crazy for me.” James didn’t believe him for a second. “Oh really, whats your secret?”
“Chest waxing Man!” Mitch said a little too enthusiastically.
“Um, isn't that a little gay?”
“Nah man, the chicks dig it! I've gotten so much more tail lately! You have to try it. Back in the day Maria said she loved chest waxing. You remember?”
“Yeah, I remember. I have been in a slump lately, but the guys at the site would give me all sorts of cr*p.”
“Screw them man, do it for the ladies.”
“I'm not sure, I'll have to think about it.”
“You've got to man! There was this one chick, I think her name was Daisy, or some kind of flower, but as soon as she saw me she practically threw herself at me!”
“That's cool man...”
“And then there was Carmen, and Lucy, and Amy, and I can't forget Janice.”
“Alright man, bye.” James hung up before he could hear about any more adoring women Mitch seduced. He grabbed his jacket and ran out to find the closest Rite Aid
*
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*

There it was in aisle 14, Feminine Care Products. He had seen it the second he got in the aisle, in giant pink letters was written WAX on the front. He wanted to make sure no one was looking before he got it. There was a woman and her infant standing by the soap and shampoo. She couldn't decide which brand of conditioner was better, so she decided to call her “BFF” to see which one she should get. James couldn't grab the box without being noticed so he decided to look busy and checked the back label of a package of soap. Dove Gentle Touch, for sensitive skin. He stared at it for a good ten minutes, looking as though he was in deep thought. At last, she was gone! He checked left and right, and quickly snatched up the box. It was too big to put under his sweatshirt without looking like he was shoplifting. He tried his best to cover up the front and speed walks to the closest register.

James was in the middle of the lane. There was no turning back now. He was trying his hardest to keep his vibrantly colored waxing kit from the view of the person behind him. He looked straight ahead, too ashamed to look at the woman behind the register.
“Getting ready for a big date deary?” James looked up appalled. There was a large woman with fiery curls, and a bedazzled vest one size too small. Her name was Janice, according to her name tag. You could barely see her eyes behind the old grandma glasses.
James can't say any more than “Yes ma’am.”
Janice looked slightly shocked. “Oh, don’t call me ma'am, I’m not that old.”
“Um, OK Janice”
“To tell you the truth, I kind of like my men hairless. Maybe you should call me some time.”
James' face turned as red as her hair. “Sorry, I’m not looking for a relationship.”
Janice looked slightly miffed and said “That will be $19.95 please.”
*
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*


This is the most awkward day of his life. He would refer to it later as the “deforestation.” He was in his cramped bathroom sitting on the toilet All of the mirrors were turned away from him, so that he can't see his reflection. The machine that heats the wax was buzzing. “I think that means its done.” he grabbed the small wooden applicator and spread the wax on his bear chest. The wax was painfully hot. He placed the first applying cloth, took in a deep breath, and calmly said “For the ladies.” As he pulled it felt like a thousand needles were being pushed through his skin. He felt as though his manliness was being taken away with each hair pulled out. With the deed finally done and the disgusting strips of hairy paper in the trash, he looked into the mirror and was shocked to see that his entire chest was red and bleeding. That’s when the real pain came, it felt like a colony of fire ants attacked his chest. He ran to the fridge, opened the freezer, and pulled out a huge bag of ice. He got on his back right in the kitchen and put the ice on his chest. He stated to drift off, but the phone rang and he forced himself up. He almost tripped over the coffee table when getting the phone “Hello?”
“Hey, Jimmy! Its me again!”
“Oh, hey Mitch, where are you? I can barely hear you.”
“I'm at the club man! Didn't I tell you? I wanted you to meet my latest lady, Janice!”
“No, you didn’t mention it. When was I supposed to come?”
“At like nine o' clock man, its almost ten till eleven!”
“Do I really have to?”
“Yes! You have to meet her, shes a real catch!”
“Fine, I’ll go get ready.” James quickly hung up the phone and ran to get ready.
*
*
*

. He didn’t even have to ask Mitch where to go. He knew it was going to be Jo's grease pit the second he heard Mitch was at a club. He rode his bike there, because he didn’t own a car and if you tried to walk in the city at night you'd probably get jumped. As he rode, he couldn't stand the pain radiating from his chest. He came up to a big hill and took off his shirt. As he rode down, the cool wind dowsed the pain of his bare red chest. He reached the club in no time, and he was friends with Jo so he got in fairly easy.

There were women everywhere, and none of them looking at his chest. That’s when he saw Mitchie. He casually walked over to him, and that’s when he saw her. It was the lady from Rite Aid, but instead of a vest, she had a big floral dress on that looked like a bed sheet. James hopes she doesn’t recognize him. “Sup Mitch, who's your new friend?”
“This is Janice, she works at a big law firm in New Jersey.”
“Oh really? That sounds very interesting.” There was desperation in Janice’s eyes. She had recognized James and her cover would be blown. “Oh James, did you wax your chest? That’s so hot.”
There was no point. Flattery wasn’t going to stop him. “So Mitch, you said Janice works at a law firm
in New Jersey right, which one?”
“Ya know, I’m not sure. Which one is it babe?”
“Um... you know, the one right next to the bank, beside that McDonalds.” It just opened.
“I haven't heard of any new law firms opening, have you James?”
“No, no I haven't. I don’t think Janice is being totally honest with you.”
“Alright, fine! I work at Rite Aid! Are you happy?”
“Eww, no one I’m dating is going to work there. We're over.” Janice stormed off in a fiery blaze. “Welp, time to go find a new lady. Lets go find you one.”
“Yes please.”

James ditched Mitchie, grabbed a beer, and hit the dance floor. He saw a woman that he might have a chance with. She was very pale with dirt brown hair. She was a little overweight and her sleek black dress was a little too short. She was sweating profusely and her arms were covered in bracelets and silly bands. She looked out of place, like a thirteen year old stuck in a thirty year old's body. James walked up casually and said “Hey, how you doing girl?”
“Fine, why you asking?”
“Just seeing whats up. Wanna dance?” She looked at him up and down and says “Sure, I’ve got nothing better to do.”





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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

Odessa_Sterling00 said...
Apr. 24, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Wow, a whole story about waxing your chest hair, I'll have to try that sometime...

(sarcastic)

 
assymcgee12345 replied...
Apr. 28, 2011 at 12:04 pm
odessa you can suck my large ballsack
 
Odessa_Sterling00 replied...
Apr. 28, 2011 at 4:49 pm
If you had one.
 
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