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I sit here, in this chair, and this chair is attached to this desk. I can't scoot back, I can't scoot in. I feel bored, I feel restless. I feel like I could die from nothing! I've always wanted to die in something more exciting; being bored in American History class doesn't cut it.
I sit up, rest my elbow on the desk and I hold my head, turning to the right out of habit.
Just one glance and I saw him there, one glance was all it took for my heart to flutter and my mind to breathe "Chris".
Yet he looked away! His pretty eyes were clutching onto me, and as soon as my eyes met his, he looked away! He went back to flirting with Faya and Carmen, acting as though I didn't exist. Why? Did I really have nothing else to offer? Obviously looks aren't everything to some people.
Considering the school that I go to is a school where looks are based on everything. The A-crowd is full of the beautiful, wealthy, mostly aristocratic (although some are talented) kids in school. The star quarterback player is good looking. The class clown in class-the one that people actually laugh with-is good looking. The girls that have hot boyfriends are hot themselves.
I'm considered beautiful, pretty, cute, hot-whatever adjective is used along those lines and I'm not surrounded by boys or friends or whatever. I'm simply glanced at, perhaps even stared at, and that's the most attention that I receive by my classmates. Am I just an art piece to him? Being seen is more desired than being heard.
I face the front, folding my arms across my chest, sulking in my seat. I sigh, deeply. I just couldn't take the drag of silence any longer.
"Mr. Maye, can I go to the bathroom?" I ask.
"Yeah, sure," the old man grunts.
I get up and walk out of the class, feeling their eyes on my back.
I was down at the end of the hallway when I heard a classroom door open. I don't bother to see who it is. I just keep walking. I pass the security guards in Hawk Hall, laughing silently that they're paid for nothing-nothing bad happens here. I'm about to walk into the girls bathroom when a hand catches my elbow, turning me to face whoever it was.
My heart stops, goose bumps erupt like a volcano across my skin. Then my mind breathes "Chris" once more.
That one second seemed like eternity.
"Wh-what are you doing?" I ask, trying to keep my voice even.
"It didn't look like you really needed to go to the bathroom-just bored, like me." Chris said. He stood with his feet wide apart, shoving his hands into his pockets. His blue eyes shimmering like my backyard pool, just pouring into mine.
"Oh really?" I shift my weight onto my left leg, placing my hands on my hips. I grin. "And how do you know if I have to take a p*ss or not?"
He looks me up with a smile on his lips, "body language."
All I know is that I just started laughing, "Yeah, sure. Maybe you should work on your psychology a little bit more." I wink then start heading into the bathroom.
"Oh, come on!" He started walking into the bathroom but was cut off by one of the security guards. "What do you think you're doing?" Charles asked, dragging Chris.
I knew right then and there that I was getting Chris in trouble. "Wait-it's okay Charles! He was only kidding!" I run out of the bathroom.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Yeah, we were just heading to the copy room to make some copies and I wanted to go to the bathroom to check on my, uh, hair... Chris just wanted to get the copies done..."
Charles waited a moment.
"Okay, son. You're off the hook, but I better not catch you going in any girls rooms anymore, you hear?"
"You got it." Chris stated.
Charles walked off, leaving us by the front doors.
"I think we should walk outside so he believes we had to make copies. Then we can walk around to the side and come in that way." I said.
“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.” He walks over to the doors (the way that all boys walk with their pants hanging off their butt) and opens it, holding it for me.
“Thanks,” I grin at him as I walk out, our eyes catching. He grins back, and for a moment we just stand there. But reality strikes down on us all too soon and we eventually have to keep moving.
We walk down the sidewalk then take a left and keep walking. The whole time we’re being as quiet as ever, passing the front office huge reflecting, floor-to-ceiling windows that don't allow much time to flirt around.
“So…” Chris breaks the silence. “You have a boyfriend?” he asks, glancing down at me. He reaches up and picks off one of the blossoms hanging from the tree we’re passing under and slides it into my hair.
“Nahh…” Of course he had to ask this question! “I don’t.”
“What? Why not?”
“I don’t know,” I laugh, “maybe because nobody likes me?” I guess. I knew that was as close to the truth that I could get without sounding desperate.
He snorts, “And who told you that?”
“Well… I guess ‘body language’ told me!” We both start cracking up as I mimick his soultry voice from before.
“No-ho-ho! Come on, tell me why you really don’t have that 'one guy' hanging around you.”
“I guess I’ve just never been anyone’s ‘girl’ before. I’m just always the guy-friend, really.”
“Why do you think that?” He asked, he was obviously too interested about my love life. Which made me want to know why he was so interested. It wasn’t like we really talked to each other before, why all the questions now?
“Why do you want to know all of this?” I finally ask out loud. We’re at the double doors on the side of the building now.
Now Chris got all shy, shoving his hands in his pockets once more, locking his knees, slightly bending over, and at last he peered at me with those big blue eyes. His hair all shaggy beneath his surfer cap. He smiled.
“Just curious, that’s all.” He answered vaguely.
“Curiousity ain’t gonna’ cut it pal.” I stop him from entering the building. “There’s a reason why you’re asking me all this cr*p; so spill!”
Maybe his w*nker took over at that moment because he turned around, he grabbed my waist, and he kissed me on the lips.
My… very… first… kiss.
Now, I don’t have anything to take over my body but I just ran my hands along his chest, sliding them up to the back of his neck. My fingers tangled into his hair. His hands slid and were resting on my lower back, but they were creeping towards my butt.
I released one hand from his hair and dragged his hands back onto my lower back, laughing into his lips.
Chris slid his hands up my back, placing them between my cheeks and under my neck. He just stared into my eyes the whole time, like I was about to disappear.
"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that," he chuckled.
"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for you to do that," I chuckle back. I kissed his lips once more, as I slid my hands over his chest again all the way down to his pants. He started to laugh, but I just reached into his pocket and took out his phone. I pulled away, opening his phone as I backed away from him.
"Hey! What are you doing?" He reached over to me trying to grasp it from my hands.
"Hold on!" I giggled, typing in my number and saving it in his contacts as "Best Kiss Ever".
I gave his phone back to him, a big grin on his face as I tucked it back in his pocket.
"You're just gonna' have to figure out which one it is," I said.
I started walking away, to head back to class but he caught hold of my waist and dragged me back to him.
"Chris, we've already been gone for a while! Too long for just the bathroom!" I managed to giggle through the complaint.
"One more second won't kill the old man!" Chris reached into my own pocket, I couldn't help but spaz from his touch, his fingers tickling my hip, causing those ticklish convulsions to erupt. "Don't worry, I'm just giving you my number now."
I bit my lip, nodding, trying hard to not laugh at how crazy I react to being tickled.
He finished adding it in and placed it back in my pocket. "Are you really that ticklish?" He asked, grabbing my hand and lacing his fingers through.
"Yeah," I breathed out a very extended 'yeah'. "Always have been, and yes, I always spaz out like that when I am tickled."
"Oh really?" He reached over, tickling underneath my chin.
"Stop it!" I laughed, gripping his hand, holding it away from my chin. He leaned in and kissed me again.
"I girl who can feel is hot," Chris mused.
"So," he started, "You wanna be my girlfriend?"
I knew that for the past few moths he'd been staring at me as if I were the Mona Lisa, but I never thought that he wanted to date me. I wonder if that time when our friend Dakota told me that Chris would take me to Prom, when I told him I wasn't going, was a hint of how Chris really felt about me.
Should I? I like Chris, I've liked him all semester. But just because you like someone doesn't always mean you want to "date" them, or be an "item" with them.
The thought struck me, I have never really had a boyfriend before. Right here before me was a hot guy that had given me my first kiss, seemed to find the courage to find me and just take a chance and now he was was asking me to date him.
"God, what should I do?" I prayed.
If I ended up not liking him in the end, I could always break up with him later. But this is your chance now. Take it!
"Yeah, I want you to be my boyfriend." I answered Chris.
A brightness seemed to fill his eyes, this twinkle began to grow. A rosy complexion glowed from his cheeks, his lips stretched into a huge smile.
"Cool..." was all Chris managed to say. "What shall we do tonight, babe?" He cocked his eyebrow. He obviously really liked calling me that.
"Whatever you want to do!" I paused, "Cupcake," I said in a high voice, sounding like a 1st Grade teacher.
Chris laughed, "I want to take you out. Let's go to Joe's BBQ."
"I'm down with that!"
I squeezed his hand then walked into the class. Chris waited out in the hall for a couple seconds, then followed me in, making it seem like we hadn't walked in at the same time.
I quickly sat in my desk, grinning at Chris as he sat down. His friends shifting looks from me to him, trying to figure out what was up.
Dakota was of course the first to break the silence, "Dude, what's up man?"
"I finally got myself a girlfriend," Chris high-fived Dakota.
Dakota glanced at me, "Who?"
"The one I've been wanting..." Chris shrugged towards me.
"Yeah-ha-ha-ha!" Dakota cheered, "You finally got the memo?" He winked at me.
"I finally did, I guess," I grinned. "How long has that memo been out?"
"Ever since you walked into our English class in the middle of last semester. Chris was like, 'I've gotta get to know her.' But of course he never had the b*lls to try!" Dakota slugged Chris in the arm.
"Seriously?" I couldn't help but laugh out loud. "Well, he certainly had enough b*lls to just full on kiss me a couple minutes ago, and then he asked me to be his girlfriend."
"He did that?" Dakota's mouth opened in shock, "That's my boy Chris! Okay!" Dakota grabbed Chris's hand and my hand, raising them up, "Party tonight! Day one of Chris and Carson going out!" Dakota shouted.
Everyone started saying "Wait, what? You're going out?" all at the same time.
"Didn't I just say that they're going out guys?" Dakota shouted above them.
Then all sorts of encouragement and "Yeah, that's cool"s were said.
Chris and I rolled our eyes at each other.
"Okay, cut it out! Get back to work! We've got five minutes left of class you morons, so get to work!" Mr. Maye grouched. The class went quiet and then the bell rang. Everyone jumped from their seats grabbing backpacks and purses, racing out the door.
Chris came up and grabbed my hand. "So, I'll call you when I get home, okay?"
"Yeah, sure." I said. I squeezed his hand then hurried out to the parking lot, getting to my truck before everyone else so I wouldn't have to wait for the buses to pass.
I pulled up my driveway, parked, turned the keys, then slammed the old trucks door shut. Daily routine right there. I opened up my front door, walked into the kitchen and hung my keys on the key rack. My mom was sitting on the couch just as usual when I got home, on her computer working on her cards.
"Hey honey, what's up?" she asked, "how was your day?"
"It was pretty good," I sat down. "I have a boyfriend now." I said after a long pause.
She looked up, excitement in her eyes. "Really? Who?" She asked really fast, "is he cute?"
"Yeah, he is. It's that Chris guy that I was telling you about, from English and History? Remember?"
"Oh yeah, the guy that wanted to take you to Prom, right?"
"Well, he didn't want to. Dakota just said that. Anyway-it doesn't matter. But Chris is my boyfriend now."
Mom paused. "Really? You're not kidding with me right? You know how much I hate it when you tease me like that!"
"I'm not kidding, mom. And, I've never messed with you on this stuff before anyway..."
She went on as if she hadn't even heard me, "so are you guys going to hang out tonight?"
"Yep. I guess that Dakota is going to plan a huge party for us." I laughed. "He said that it was because Chris finally got the 'b*lls' to ask me out."
"Well you should freshen up your makeup, hon'. I want you to look pretty for tonight." She shooed me away.
"Okay, mom." I walked upstairs to my room.
I sat on my bed.
Oh boy, I thought. I can't believe this is happening. I really can't.
All of my life I've been wondering why guys have never liked me, and now, I'm finally in this situation and it's not at all how I thought it would be. Where are fireworks? Where are the sparklers? This is a celebration! Carson's first boyfriend. I wanted to be mad at how long I'd dealt with my frustration. How I just kept it in and pretended like I didn't care that nobody had every noticed me before. But I did. Now that someone does, I don't even know how to deal with it. I don't even know what it's like to have to be with someone this way.
I grabbed my journal, marked it April 8, 2011. And began with the word "Frustrated" but ended with "love come afterall."