The Pocket Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse

April 2, 2011
Welcome, reader. Hopefully you have a guide like this, or you have this guide, in a size that can be held in your pocket. You know what the TV preacher said: ‘When the Underworld is full, the dead will walk the earth.’
Considering the amount of robbers, murderers, and drug—sellers the US has, the world below, if it exists, is definitely gonna overflow soon.
Okay, to business. Here are the steps— and yeah, they are short. This is the POCKET GUIDE to surviving the zombie apocalypse.

Step 1. When you hear that there are zombies around, what should you do?
a. Laugh
b. grab something sharp
c. Grab food, family, friends, and as many weapons as possible, run outside, and get to the nearest Costco

Answer: c. Costco will supply you with food and drink, plus many other things. If yours supplies soil and seeds, then that is almost the best possible way to survive long—term.

Step 2. in Costco, find your resources and give food rations to anybody with you, depending on their size and age. Weapons should be distributed to only those capable.

Step 3. Barricade the doors of your Costco with bricks, cement, or anything. Strengthen the roof. Cover skylights.

Step 4. Never ever fight zombies with fire. A burning zombie can simultaneously eat your flesh and set you on fire.
Step 5. If anyone is scratching one spot constantly, looking nervous, and trying to hide something, he has been bitten by a zombie. He will turn into a zombie with about six hours. Either kill him, lock him outside, or point out his injury and give him a gun, sending him outside. If the latter, then tell him that if he starts to turn, he needs to kill himself before he tries to eat you.

Those five steps are the basic guidelines. Hopefully, you shall survive the zombie apocalypse and be safe in your Costco. This concludes Fangstorm the Vampire’s Pocket Guide to Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse.

Join the Discussion

This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

Fangstorm_The_Vampire said...
Dec. 8, 2011 at 4:16 pm
Note: Contrary to what I have said before, do NOT go to the nearest superstore. Instead hole up in a very cold place in the wilderness.
DarkPandaAngel said...
Apr. 12, 2011 at 5:51 pm
Haha this is great. If the world ever does get run over by zombies I'll be sure to follow these steps. Great Job. 
Fangstorm_The_Vampire replied...
Apr. 25, 2011 at 4:42 pm
Thanks a lot! I always appreciate comments. Thanks for your feedback.
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