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This Is My Normal
It wasn't like I planned this to happen...I didn't want this to happen. I want to be normal. But, I suppose, to me, this is normal. I still feel like the same person...though maybe a little less confident and a lot more confused.
I guess I saw this coming. I always sort of knew...I just tried to deny it. It wasn't easy to deny myself the truth...but it was a lot easier than facing it.
I guess you're probably wondering what the truth is....but I can't bring myself to say it. It's too...what is it? Why can't I say it? It makes me uncomfortable to say it in my head, let alone out loud. But why is it so hard? I shouldn't be ashamed of myself. But I am. I'm so ashamed.
Tears start to build up in my eyes...I hate crying. I hate how my face gets all red and blotchy, and how when you try and wipe away those stupid tears, all you do is smear mascara across your face. And besides that, I don't have any tissues in my room. I dab my eyes on the corner of an old towel.
I don't know how I can deal with this...I don't think I can. Everything is going to change. I hate change.
I turn on my computer, and open Google.
I type in "how do i know if im really gay" and press enter. I skim over the results, but I can't bring myself to click on one. So I delete my history and shut down the computer.
Lesbian, I think. I feel a wave of discomfort run through my body. It sounds like a disease. Am I sick? My throat feels tight, and my eyes start to tear up again. My chin trembles...NO! You will NOT cry, I say out loud...but I do anyway. I grab the towel and wipe my nose.
For the millionth time, I go over the last few weeks in my head...
The time at Maddie's sleepover, playing truth or dare. They dared me to kiss Hana...I didn't want to, because I was afraid I might feel something..."chemistry" or whatever they call it. But I couldn't say that. And besides, Hana was my best friend, so she said she didn't care.
"It's just between friends, Jacqui! We both know that, so it's not a big deal...besides," she giggled, "if you don't take this dare, you'll have to tell us what happened between you and Ben at camp last summer..."
I forced a laugh and said, okay, I'll do it. Just between friends.
This was a huge mistake. Because I did feel something. And it was more than I had ever felt with Ben, my boyfriend. My lips felt so warm and comfortable, pressed against hers...her smell...I didn't want to stop. But after a few seconds, she pulled away. I kept my eyes shut for a moment...trying to shake away that feeling. I couldn't.
There was the time after Homecoming, in the back of Maddie's car. I was sitting between Ben, who had his arm around me, and Hana who was leaning against her boyfriend...and I couldn't help but wish that I was the one with my arms around Hana...
All the times she hugged me...her smell filling up my lungs...I wanted to kiss her...but I couldn't. So I just held on to her for a fraction of a second longer than I usually did...I wish I could kiss her...
That was the most recent evidence...but there had always been something different about how I thought about boys...and sometimes, I would have bizarre, but very real dreams...sexual dreams....about my female classmates...and there had been more than one occasion I had visualized myself kissing a girl instead of Ben.
I know Hana almost as well as I know myself. And I know myself well enough to know the truth. I love her. I'm a lesbian. And I'm in love with my straight best friend. My eyes tear up again, and this time, I don't fight. I just grab my old towel, and try to muffle my sobs.