This Is My Normal

March 31, 2011
By BlackKittie SILVER, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
BlackKittie SILVER, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
8 articles 1 photo 55 comments

It wasn't like I planned this to happen...I didn't want this to happen. I want to be normal. But, I suppose, to me, this is normal. I still feel like the same person...though maybe a little less confident and a lot more confused.



I guess I saw this coming. I always sort of knew...I just tried to deny it. It wasn't easy to deny myself the truth...but it was a lot easier than facing it.



I guess you're probably wondering what the truth is....but I can't bring myself to say it. It's too...what is it? Why can't I say it? It makes me uncomfortable to say it in my head, let alone out loud. But why is it so hard? I shouldn't be ashamed of myself. But I am. I'm so ashamed.



Tears start to build up in my eyes...I hate crying. I hate how my face gets all red and blotchy, and how when you try and wipe away those stupid tears, all you do is smear mascara across your face. And besides that, I don't have any tissues in my room. I dab my eyes on the corner of an old towel.



I don't know how I can deal with this...I don't think I can. Everything is going to change. I hate change.



I turn on my computer, and open Google.



I type in "how do i know if im really gay" and press enter. I skim over the results, but I can't bring myself to click on one. So I delete my history and shut down the computer.



Lesbian, I think. I feel a wave of discomfort run through my body. It sounds like a disease. Am I sick? My throat feels tight, and my eyes start to tear up again. My chin trembles...NO! You will NOT cry, I say out loud...but I do anyway. I grab the towel and wipe my nose.



For the millionth time, I go over the last few weeks in my head...

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The time at Maddie's sleepover, playing truth or dare. They dared me to kiss Hana...I didn't want to, because I was afraid I might feel something..."chemistry" or whatever they call it. But I couldn't say that. And besides, Hana was my best friend, so she said she didn't care.



"It's just between friends, Jacqui! We both know that, so it's not a big deal...besides," she giggled, "if you don't take this dare, you'll have to tell us what happened between you and Ben at camp last summer..."



I forced a laugh and said, okay, I'll do it. Just between friends.



This was a huge mistake. Because I did feel something. And it was more than I had ever felt with Ben, my boyfriend. My lips felt so warm and comfortable, pressed against hers...her smell...I didn't want to stop. But after a few seconds, she pulled away. I kept my eyes shut for a moment...trying to shake away that feeling. I couldn't.

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There was the time after Homecoming, in the back of Maddie's car. I was sitting between Ben, who had his arm around me, and Hana who was leaning against her boyfriend...and I couldn't help but wish that I was the one with my arms around Hana...

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All the times she hugged me...her smell filling up my lungs...I wanted to kiss her...but I couldn't. So I just held on to her for a fraction of a second longer than I usually did...I wish I could kiss her...

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That was the most recent evidence...but there had always been something different about how I thought about boys...and sometimes, I would have bizarre, but very real dreams...sexual dreams....about my female classmates...and there had been more than one occasion I had visualized myself kissing a girl instead of Ben.



I know Hana almost as well as I know myself. And I know myself well enough to know the truth. I love her. I'm a lesbian. And I'm in love with my straight best friend. My eyes tear up again, and this time, I don't fight. I just grab my old towel, and try to muffle my sobs.


The author's comments:
If you guys like it, let me know, and I'll post part 2.
And please comment, because this is my first fiction piece

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This article has 7 comments.


on Apr. 13 2011 at 9:15 pm
BlackKittie SILVER, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
8 articles 1 photo 55 comments
I just submitted part 2, it's called Well Practiced Words. Look for it in a few weeks...rate and comment, please :)

on Apr. 12 2011 at 1:22 pm
writerchick2095 BRONZE, Lincolnton, North Carolina
4 articles 0 photos 20 comments

Favorite Quote:
'Why do you try so hard to fit in when you are born to stand out?'
'Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead.'

I like this story a lot; it is very emotional. I like you writing style, too. If you want to write a part 2, I'm sure it will be good :) 

on Apr. 11 2011 at 10:31 pm
BlackKittie SILVER, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
8 articles 1 photo 55 comments
i'd love to write a part 2...so i'm glad i know some people will read it :) and thanks for commenting!

ArcaneGhost said...
on Apr. 11 2011 at 8:26 pm
ArcaneGhost, Hendersonville, Tennessee
0 articles 0 photos 44 comments
It's so hard to get that second point of view, the view that is so easy to condemn. This makes me think twice.

ArcaneGhost said...
on Apr. 11 2011 at 8:24 pm
ArcaneGhost, Hendersonville, Tennessee
0 articles 0 photos 44 comments
Guys, not everything has to have a second piece. It's short and thought provoking, like it should be.

on Apr. 11 2011 at 4:45 pm
musicprincess PLATINUM, Braselton, Georgia
23 articles 0 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
They say that love is forever, your forever is all that I need

Yes please write the second piece :) you could easily turn this into a novel if you wanted to. Maybe write it as a character's point of view in a journal entry.

on Apr. 11 2011 at 1:33 pm
LilithLovely BRONZE, Lutz, Florida
3 articles 3 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'd rather have three weeks of happy, then a lifetime of horrible."

That was quite good. I would be very interested in reading the second peice! :)




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