I Know

March 25, 2011
By Molly Robbins BRONZE, Washington, Michigan
Molly Robbins BRONZE, Washington, Michigan
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Creak! In a cloud of dust, the door slides open. Inside flapping wings beat in the rafters as a mouse scurries into its hole. The sweet smell of fresh hay mixes with that of manure as I enter.
Gathered in the corner, they freeze, as my golden retriever streaks in. Moving closer, I watch as they creep towards me. Each one unique; I know them all. The small framed Tyler, the heavy set Raspberry, the crop eared Elf, the muscular Rocky, the wide hipped Sugar, I know them all.
I shuffle about my chores. Almost methodically, hay, grain, water, rake up, each day the same process. Today seems like any other, as the hush of the munching animals blends into the background.
The barn itself is nothing special; green in color, small in size. The occupants make it worth noting. One sympathetic nudge from a lamb can melt even my just-failed-a-test-I’m-going-to-cry expression into a smile.

In this place I’ve learned more than in any AP or Honors class. In this place I’ve sweated more than any gym class or sports practice. In this place I’ve prepared for some of my greatest moments. Here among the fresh stacked, golden straw, cans of fly-spray, and allergy inducing dust, I’ve grown up. No place can match it.
As I sneak out, trying not to disrupt the calm, I hear it. “Baa!” Not a particularly loud call, it shatters the silence and my contemplative mood. I rush over to Muffy, my favorite. She nuzzles my hand, asking for food. Breathing in her distinct sheepish scent, I know this is where I belong.

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This article has 3 comments.

on Apr. 6 2011 at 8:11 am
Molly Robbins BRONZE, Washington, Michigan
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment
Thanks for the comment. I completely agree w/ your suggestions.

on Apr. 5 2011 at 3:57 pm
forever_an_artist BRONZE, Mint Hill, North Carolina
1 article 0 photos 25 comments

I love this! An old, musty barn suddenly seems so magical. You painted the picture beautifully.

I would only suggest cutting back on the adjectives and making the language and sentence structure a little more casual and natural. Cut out words that are unnecessary. For example;

"I've learned more here than in any AP or Honors class."

as opposed to

"In this place I've learned more than in any AP or Honors class."

The former rolls of the tongue easier and avoids extra words. Most readers scan through unimportant, excess words, and having to scan even past a few words can make a story seem uninteresting. Try to write efficiently, making sure that every word and sentence counts. It's really hard for me, but I've learned it's worth the effort.

This was a lovely piece and I can't wait to read more of your work.

PJD17 SILVER said...
on Mar. 30 2011 at 4:53 pm
PJD17 SILVER, Belleville, Illinois
8 articles 0 photos 624 comments

Favorite Quote:
I do the best imatation of myself- Ben Folds

interesting story  i think that it could stand to be a little bit longer  but it was still good  could you please check out and comment on my story Manso's Shame  id really appreciate the feedback


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