A Candle For Hello

March 18, 2011
I’m so use to seeing that candle in your window signaling to me that you were home. It was nice to be able to look outside my window and see that I had another day with you. I even started to think that the candle would never burn out, and the next candle we would be lighting would be a unity candle at our wedding. Uniting the feeling that we didn’t say but we knew was there. But at sixteen being best friends means you can’t admit your unedifying love for each other. But I wish I did. I wish I could’ve said to you, “Jake Johnson I’ve loved you since the minute I stole your apple in kindergarten.” But I can’t because you’re gone. I thought you were stronger than the leukemia, I mean you said you were. Than again you told me you were stronger than superman, or the varsity football player that weighed in at 350lbs. So why did I believe you were strong enough to fight through this?

I blamed myself for not telling you that I loved you even when you went through that little boy phase where you hit me with every toy you could, or when you went through that bad zit phase and no girl would talk to you. I loved you even when the leukemia won the first round and you had to shave your head. You called yourself mini-me and put your pinky up to your mouth, trying to make me laugh, but I didn’t. I didn’t take this situation lightly. You didn’t understand why, but if I would’ve told you I loved you, then you would’ve. But you’re gone. Now all that comes out of my mouth is “I love Jake” or “I loved him”. But what kills me is you never got to see the smile I had on my face when I said that. Or even when I thought it. You never even understood the smile I had when we would be talking. You called it my “in love smile”. Man, were you right. But you couldn’t guess the guy. I don’t know if you were too scared to guess yourself, or if you were really that oblivious. I regret though that I didn’t tell you. It would’ve been so easy. It was just two words, “It’s you”. It is true, it always was you. I’ve always been in love with you

But that candle that once was the light to my life is now removed from your room now Jake. It now remains next to my candle on my windowsill. As the candles burn together I start to believe you’re here smiling down at me from heaven. Whispering to my heart you love me too. So forever I will let my candle burn, because it was always you that my heart burned for. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you that.

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