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Help Me Chapter 3: Dreaming?
A dream has power to poison sleep. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley, "Mutability"
I once heard this quote, from who I cannot remember. Though, it never really used to make all that sense to me. I used to have good dreams, either that or I just wouldn’t dream at all. I mean I have nightmares from time to time, but they were never like the dreams and nightmares I’m experiencing now that he’s gone.
I don’t think I’ve gotten a full night of sleep since the day before he got into the accident, and I’m more tired than ever. I think I’m dreaming when I’m awake sometimes, and this is not like day dreaming. It’s something entirely different. I’ll just be walking down the hallway, and I’ll open my eyes and be in a classroom…not knowing how in god’s name I got there.
I feel awake though…more awake than I have in a long time. I guess that’s how it gets sometimes when you don’t sleep enough.
At the moment I was sitting in my English class, we were reading Jane Eyre. Or the correct thing to say might be, the rest of the class was reading Jane Eyre, I was doodling in my notebook, not having even glanced at the book once.
From what my friend Rebecca has told me, I can understand it’s about some girl…that got abused by her aunt and cousins, I don’t know why…and at the moment its sounding a tad bit like Cinderella. And the girl goes to some school…it starts with the word L…and that is my great understanding of the book Jane Eyre. Genius material right, I might go and win some award with my vast recesses of knowledge.
Pausing a second from my doodling, I glanced down at the cover of my notepad. It was a notebook I always drew in, whenever I felt the inspiration to do so. I’d only been feeling half-inspired lately…so that was what was causing all these doodles that seemed to mean nothing to me at all. The cover had Palkia and Dialga on it…yup Pokémon. It had been a gift from Daniel actually, due to the fact we were both what you could call…slightly addicted to Pokémon.
I had thought that it might bother me to hold something that he had given to me, but it just sent a sort of happiness through me. Knowing that even though he was gone, he was still in my heart.
Thinking of him reminds me that I went to his wake and his funeral…now that really did feel like a dream. I didn’t cry at all, but I felt like everybody knew how much it bothered me to be there. The funeral was closed casket, something about how he had been beaten up pretty badly in the accident, badly enough for them to keep the casket closed.
Though…I had an inkling of an idea that it was because his mother couldn’t’ bare to see her baby boy laying in the casket, and I think I’m glad they made that decision. I probably would have cried if I had been able to see his face. Though…somewhere I wish I had gotten to see his face one last time, it would have made this goodbye seem more final.
I’d only been to one other funeral, and that was for my grandma. I was only thirteen at the time, and I don’t think I fully comprehended what death was yet. I didn’t understand how final it was, not until I lost somebody that was younger than me.
It seemed more…natural with my grandmother, but with Daniel…it just seemed so wrong. That a sixteen year old boy would be torn away from his family like that, when he was just starting to grow up a little bit.
“Damien…” called a teacher, as I rose my head up off the desk, damn…I must have actually fallen asleep. “Damien are you alright?” asked the younger English teacher Miss Parks, she had seemed more worried about me than the other teachers had, even the principal and the nurse. Maybe she had gone through something like this as well; hmm…I wasn’t going to ask any questions.
“I’m fine…” I lied through my teeth, as I gave her an award winning smile. She seemed to see through that though, and this just caused a sigh to issue from my lips.
“Really…I’m just tired is all…” I muttered, as I glanced out the window at the slightly dark sky of a rainy afternoon. “I haven’t been sleeping all that well lately.” I finished, speaking truthfully this time. It was evident from the dark circles that had recently formed under my eyes.
Glancing down at my notepad one last time I sighed again, I seemed to be doing that a lot more often lately.
“Can I go to the nurse, and lie down for a bit?” I asked, as she nodded and handed me a pass. I took it from her, and was out the door in moments, having shoved my notepad into my backpack, and flung it over my shoulder.
Once I reached the nurse’s office I glanced around a few times, standing there awkwardly as she talked to a junior on the football team, about a knee injury that he had sustained during their last game. Once she was finished she glanced over to me, frowning slightly.
“Something wrong, Mister Trent?” she asked, as she tapped the bottom of her pencil against her lips. “Uh…yeah…I just need to lie down is all.” I muttered, as I gulped slightly. What could I say…she was pretty. Really…pretty. As I moved to go and lie down after she nodded, and gave me a comforting pat on the back…I lay back on the small nurse’s cot. Just staring up at the ceiling and stretching my arms over my head once, before I folded them against my chest.
Maybe…I could dream about her, however creepy that may have seemed. It was better than dreaming about Daniel, and not being able to sleep at all. I closed my eyes, and let for once…somebody else fill my mind. And I can tell you one thing, that was the best sleep I’d had…in a really long time.