The Psycho's Secret

March 15, 2011
I am a stociosist. Which means as a sixteen year old girl I am unaffected by the feelings around me. It’s come in handy to not be effected by drama or the loss of a friend. But it’s devastating when someone feels sorrow and you can’t even tell him or her you understand. I’ve had that happen in my life a couple times and I’ve been called a bad friend, or bad girlfriend because of it. And on top of it I’ve had to let go of people because of my ability to not feel anything at all. This is the story of a girl who doesn’t have a meaning behind a smile or frown.

I woke up this morning with a blank look on my face. It’s normal to not shown an expression. It’s how my days start and end. It’s sunny out today in the middle of March. And it’s about seventy degrees so it’s going to be nice to sit in the sun. My little sister is jumping around the living room, excited for the fact that she gets to go swimming. I never understood how she could be so happy over sunshine. But every time I yell at her for being too excited about something she would always tell on me and get me grounded. Great start to my morning, huh?

School isn’t much different though. People wave and smile and so do I. but they have a reason why they’re happy but when they ask me why I am I say, “Because you smiled and waved.” I never have my own reasoning. Today was a good day though. My friend told me a guy liked me. I didn’t have the inclination to respond. But it’s nice to know somebody’s interested. But next week the guy will just be a face in a sea of other companionable faces. Nothing to special, and nothing that will make my day “happy” or “brilliant”. That’s a normal school day for the, “psycho girl” or the” freak with no emotion”. Yes, those are the names that I get called. Most people don’t even know my real name.

Today was an exquisitely bland day. Nothing to exciting happened. My heart wasn’t broken, my heart wasn’t stolen, I didn’t laugh at any jokes that were thrown my way, and I didn’t cry at the mean words that were suppose to be sticks and stones. But there is a secret I’ve been keeping. Yes, stociosists can keep secrets. The thing is I haven’t always been diagnosed with stoicism. A year ago when I was a sophomore I had the best life. All the friends you could want, that gave you nights you would never forget. I had the perfect boyfriend that made me fly high. At that time I believed in happiness, and being excited. I believed in miracles. But when all that went away so did my smile and the meaning behind it. I was just so numb that sadness was out of the question. From that day forward I could no longer feel anything. This is the real story of my secret. This is the story of a broken girl diagnosed with stoicism

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This article has 24 comments. Post your own now!

HiddenAngelInTheDark said...
Dec. 26, 2011 at 6:21 pm
Amazing I love it XD
DarkPoet said...
Mar. 21, 2011 at 9:14 pm

I really do like it. Though I agree with the others that you should comb over it, check for pumctuation, or little things like that, but it was very emotional! Don't suppose you'd want to look poover some of my stuff?


wannabme said...
Mar. 21, 2011 at 4:43 pm
Also, why can't she have any friends because she has no emotion? As a writer, you did not give reason nor imply why this person is isolated. Whether they isolate themselves or if the other kids isolate them. It just does not make much sense I'm afraid
bigdreamsbigheart replied...
Mar. 22, 2011 at 8:30 am
She can have friends. That's the thing. She isn't isolated. And other kids don't really bother talking to her because she won't be able to really care. I mean she can act like it but she can't. And she is isolated because of what happened in her past.
notsoaveragematt said...
Mar. 20, 2011 at 9:24 am
sounds alot like someone else I know. If you are going to use material that was given to you in the form of someone who actually has a this disorder, ask their permission before you write almost verbatum what they told you. You simply put your name in their place.
bigdreamsbigheart replied...
Mar. 21, 2011 at 8:51 am
See the thing is with my writing is I potray what other people are feeling. And a person shouldn't be so offended by my writing, because this was to no one in particular. Sorry for anyone that thought it was about them, but they shouldn't be so conceeded. I don't have any one that I care about or that I am friends with that this is about.
RainFever224 said...
Mar. 19, 2011 at 10:46 am
cheerluv said...
Mar. 18, 2011 at 9:38 pm
Wow! This is so realistic! I can relate to this myself, as I have often tried to be emotionless so as not to get hurt by the people around me. This school year was my first in public school, and after leading such a sheltered and safe 'at-home' life, it was a hgue shock to me. I basically did not want to get involved. I didn't want to let people get too close and put a wall up aorund my emotions and my true self. I've lossened up much more now, but I can sitll relate at times. Excellent job; kee... (more »)
bigdreamsbigheart replied...
Mar. 19, 2011 at 6:16 am

Thank you!

It was my goal to have it connect to people. Like I said in my other comments I think everyone has this state of no emotion that they go through because of something sad that happened. And they just don't want to feel anymore.

arsenictruffle said...
Mar. 18, 2011 at 5:33 pm

I relate to this. Nice piece. Keep it up :)


bigdreamsbigheart replied...
Mar. 19, 2011 at 10:14 am

Thank you soo much!

I wanted people to relate to this. I thought that was the right thing to do. Maybe it could give someone help too. To let them know everyone is going through it.

EyesWideShut This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 18, 2011 at 12:04 pm

This is excellent.

I sometimes fear that I was close to this point...and now I see how much I stood to lose.

Great job.

bigdreamsbigheart replied...
Mar. 18, 2011 at 12:06 pm
Thank you :)! I write to show how life is actually is in the eyes of teenagers! Even though were young we are still living.
collins said...
Mar. 18, 2011 at 11:01 am
it was great and moving i can relate on a pernsol level great work
bigdreamsbigheart replied...
Mar. 19, 2011 at 10:15 am

Thank you sooo much!

Means a lot.

Sammy358 said...
Mar. 18, 2011 at 9:22 am

Very good! I like it! hehehe

And you should know why...

Write more

thechosenone said...
Mar. 18, 2011 at 9:20 am
 REALLY LIKE IT. Keep it up :)! I think this should be on top rated for the day! Write more! Please
DoodlezTheScribe said...
Mar. 17, 2011 at 11:10 pm
I love the irony in writing such a deeply emotional piece about a girl that is incabable of feeling deep emotions, but I think it might be interfering with your core meanings at times. In the first paragraph, you mention how "devastating" it is that your protagonist can't feel anything. If this piece is told from the first person, how would she be able to recognize the devastation of the situation?
But I digress: though I think you need to comb over more carefully with an editor, it's an a... (more »)
bigdreamsbigheart replied...
Mar. 18, 2011 at 12:08 pm
Thank you! :) Also the advice is wonderful. I was wondering myself if devastating seemed like I was feeling something. You know? So thanks :).
Shawna said...
Mar. 17, 2011 at 9:57 pm
This was very amazing I love your extened vocabulary, but also remeber to add a period at the end of your sentence ^.^. never forget punctuation! it is so very importand and I hope this article gets published into the Chicken Noodle soup for the soul!
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