March 2, 2011
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It was Wednesday. Always Wednesday. Never Monday. Never Tuesday. Not even Thursday. And defiantly NOT and I repeat NOT Friday Saturday or Sunday. But Wednesday. It always happened. And I hated it. But it always happened. Since I was four. That terrible, awful thing. Every Wednesday. Never missed it. Except once. And that will be the last. I repeat the Last time it will be missed. I couldn't stand it the first time. All the action and confusing motions. But it always has to happen. And if it doesn’t it would be worse. But still I hate it! I can not stand it! I wish it would just disappear into thin air and never come back. It makes me want to pull my hair out just thinking about it. But I can’t. I don’t have any hair.

Sometimes at night I think. Not about friends or school. Not about the weekends plans or about boys. About it. What will happen? Will I ever be normal? If so when? Why aren't I? I think and think until my head feels like it’s going to explode. But of course it doesn’t. Sometimes I wish my head really would explode, but it doesn’t. Whenever I wish something it doesn’t come true. But, I think maybe it’s because I don’t wish for the stuff normal girls do. I don’t wish for a boyfriend, or a cute new pet. I wish for more complex things. Things that I guess god doesn’t want to fix. But he still loves me. He has to. No one else does. I’m just a big waste of money to my mom and I don’t have any friends. I would maybe. If I went to public school. But no. It would be too embarrassing. I must be home schooled. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I did go to school. I wish I could. But I guess that’s too complex. I might learn. My mom says it’s just a waste to try. But I love her. There’s no one else to love. No siblings, no dad, just me and mom. And god. He has to love me. He just has to. I will always love him.

I’ve tried everything to fix it. Or to make it stop. But I never works. Never. Everything I try. No matter what. Even though none of them will ever come true, I’m going to make you a list of all my wishes. I wish I was a normal 14yr old girl. I wish my mom would love me. I wish I had hair. I wish I knew my dad. I wish I had more time. I wish Wednesday chemo never happened. I wish I did not have cancer.

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