The Pain...

March 5, 2011
The first time it hurt. The second time not so much. The third time it felt amazing. So i kept doing it. Nobody knew who I was inside, nobody knew what I did to myself.

After my shower, I got out and dried off. I noticed it lying there. I looked in the mirror. My desperate face looked back at me. I knew what I was going to do... I knew the urge, I've had it for weeks.. No I've had it for years. If only I could stop... If only I could reach out for help. But I don't want help. I don't want people to see me as a freak. So i suffer in silence. I pick it up, a small thin blade. I slide it across my wrist and blood forms in the cut. The fourth time, this month. I let out a sigh of relief. It felt great. I looked down, blood was dripping on to the floor. I walked to the bathroom and grabbed a towel and wiped it up. After, I went and laid down and tried to fall asleep. My mind was wandering about millions of things. One thing was this girl I really liked, she knew exactly what I am going through. Another is, there is this boy miles away from my home that I wonder about all the time. A third was, what if? What if someone asked me about my wrists? What if someone made fun of me again? What if I get in to another fight? I can't take this school new more. I just want to get out of this school find a new one. New friends. A new home. A new life. But yeah like that would ever happen. Nothing ever goes right.

The next day at school, I sat down to lunch. "Hey f**." Mark yells across the lunch room. I try to not pay attention. But he yells it again. Inside my head I keep playing out a scene. Mark's face flat against the floor and blood everywhere. But i know I could never do that. A few minutes later my friend Emma sits down next to me. "hey." she said. I stayed silent. "what's wrong?" She asked. I looked up through my hair and whispered "everything is". I looked back down. she looked like she was about to cry. "Did you..." she only could get that much out before I shook my head. I knew the question. She looked at me and she shook her head. i looked up with a smirk on my face. "I'm never good enough and everyone knows that. But I'm tough Don't worry about me. I can help myself." I said quietly. Just as I said that another kid came over. "Hey f**, Why you so quiet" He yelled in my face. I looked at him, with pure hatred in my eyes. "Does my life concern you?" I said back with heat in my voice. He raised his arm and before I could react, pain exploded in my jaw. He punched me. Perfect punch to my jaw. I stood up and threw an upper cut and it hit I'm in his nose. Blood came out from his nose. He threw another punch and I ducked. Then a huge security guard came and broke us up. The kid was screaming at me, yelling f-bombs and screaming "f*****". We both were dragged to the principle's office and sat in different rooms. My parents walked in and sat down, they both gave me a dirty look. My parents hate me with a passion. My principle pulled my parents aside and told me to go get my things. I got expelled from school.

Back at home my parents screamed at me. "you're no good of a kid" My dad yelled. "I wish I never had you." My mom added. I went to walk to my room to avoid them but, there were 5 large suit cases. "we can't handle you no more, You're going to a boarding school, We never want to see you face again." My dad yelled. Those words, hurt 10 times more than the cuts ever did. So my dad grabbed my stuff and put them in the car. I walked around my room... It was empty all for the little piece of handwriting carved into the wood in the corner. "My name is Matt, I'm bi, and I am who I am." I sighed a sigh of relief. Maybe.. Just maybe now I can have a happy life. Sure I'll be leaving my 8 friends behind but I'm no moving that far...
"I am Who I am" I thought all the way to my new school.

Post a Comment

Be the first to comment on this article!

Site Feedback