March 3, 2011
By , Howards Grove, WI
She stood on the edge. She seemed to be looking at something, but whatever it was was a picture in her head. Tears slipped down her cheeks and she shuddered every once in a while as she stood there.

My heart is pounding. Do you know I'm scared. I am standing here terrified and alone. My body is here but I am not. What's left of me is scattered to far apart to ever come back to make part of me whole again. I tried, I swear I did. When ever I tried you made it harder. I took two steps foreword and you shoved me back a mile. I conquered a mountain and it was hard. I bled. Do you want to see the scars? I want you to know that's why I'm here. I climbed that mountain. I made it through the traps you put, I got back up when you made me fall. Sometimes You'd push me back down as soon as I got up. It hurt. The tears I cried would flood the ocean. Everything I had bled out on that mountain. I did it though. I climbed that mountain and made it to the top. It was hard. Climbing that mountain ripped me apart. Anything that was in me fell on that mountain. I conquered that mountain. Do you know that was the first and last thing I was ever proud of myself without you, your permission or approval? Do you know that I climbed that mountain and lost everything. Do you know? Do you care? I didn't climb it for you, I climbed it because of you. I made it to the top. I turned and looked down from up there. That's why I'm here now. I wont, I can't start over. I can't be at the bottom again. My body is trembling. I will never go there again, never I again will I be at the bottom of that mountain I conquered I lost to much on it, lost to much there on the bottom. There's something wet on my face. There tears, my tears. It's not that I'm sad. No, I'm not sad. Once I thought if you were hurt enough it wouldn't last. Eventually you'll have nothing else left to feel hurt. Maybe, if your smart, you'll realize. I'm not smart. How many times did I let my hopes soar to the sky despite how I knew you'd shoot them down with missiles? How many times did I stand when I knew you'd push me back down? No, I'm not smart and I was wrong. You may have nothing left but hurt always finds away to re-inflict pain. To open old wounds, create new ones. Mirrors show scars, but do you ever wonder if they showed your real scars, the ones that hurt most? I shudder to think because that's all you would see on me. Scars, and that’s what I am? Nothing but scar upon scar. Do you know how they got there? Do you know who put them there? I tell myself you don't know. I have to believe you don't because that I couldn't take. Maybe someone stronger then I, smarter could take it. Could stand strong enough to not be pushed down, smart enough to duck and run. Running isn't always a bad thing, neither is leaving. I'm not smart. I'm not strong. I did concur the mountain though. It was long and hard. It loomed above me, that black beast, the mountain of animosity, enmity, malignity, resentment. I conquered the mountain of hate. I made it to the hate. I could run to you know and say in complete truthfulness I do not hate you. Do you know that I ever did? No, I don't think you did. The wind is cold. When I was little I wondered what it would be like to just fall endlessly in the air. I know this is wrong. It was wrong, it is the cowards way out. Do you understand what desperation is? This is wrong. It's never OK, it's not the answer, but I can't go back there. I can not be pushed down that mountain again, the one I conquered I can't and I won't. I am not strong or smart. I'm afraid and weak. I cannot go back there, I won't be pushed back again. I can see it, it's coming your arms are reaching for me. I am not proud of this either. You can't have me again though, I wont allow it.

She close her eyes. Her body shuddered as she drew in a shaky breath. Tears slipped through her closed lids and fell down. “Never again.” She whispered and stepped foreword. She no longer wondered what it was like to fly endlessly through the air. Never again was a promise she could keep to herself, in death. She found her. Her crumpled body splayed across the ground, almost peacefully.

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